November 2003 Archives

Late night update before I pass into unconciousness. Got up today, practiced squash, went for a photo shoot with Graham to Beacon Hill, spun some horrid records, and watched some good TV. Not a bad day at all. New photo gallery is up in the photo sessions section - just follow the link on the Navigation menu above.

So, American thanksgiving is over, and Christmas holidays loom ever closer. The rain is pouring down, and there isn't a spot of blue sky anywhere to be seen. What better way to spend a day like this than talking about porn legends? Sound good? Good. Today, I plan on embarking in a magical journey into the realm of hairy pr0n stars, and what better way to do that, besides talking about Jenna Jameson, than by taking an in depth look at Ron Jeremy's life?

How did it all start? Why is he so hairy? Couldn't he lose some weight? These are all questions I plan to answer some day, but probably not today.

Let's jump right in. Here's the initial expose upon which this is based. Naturally my answers are guaranteed to be 200% times triplicate more accurate, so I wouldn't bother clicking on that link up there. I don't think it even works anyhow, I just typed in a bunch of random digits for the URL, like this.

It wasn't quite what they'd hoped for. But when Ron Jeremy told his high-flying Jewish family he was going to be a porn star they had a few questions to ask. "But son...", Ron's father parlayed, "You're hairy. Really hairy. Who would want to see your ass in porn?"

"My mum just said: 'Ronnie dances to a different drummer.', which is funny, because I'm not really dancing, as much as I am taking a woman from behind. And instead of a drummer, it's more like one of those swanky porno songs"

Wohn-chica-chica-wohn-WOHN!

Twenty-five years, 800 visits to the electrolisis clinic and more than 1,700 films later, Ron is the world's most famous porn actor.

With the help of his 9 and 3/4 inch manhood, and back-hair that is likely housing a long lost native tribe, the New York-born star - known as The Hedgehog, The Vile Rodent, and The Disgusting Leper because of his body shape - has made a multi-million-pound fortune.

I wish I had a cool nickname like The Vile Rodent, it would be an awesome way to intimidate people if you introduced yourself to them as that. "Hi, I'm Hal, and I want to see you walk away owning one of these lovely trailer homes!" "Hi, I'm the Vile Rodent, and I would like a 40% discount, unless you want me to show you how I got that nickname."

Ron has got 5,000 babes into bed during his astonishing 25-year career. Of course, using the word babe might be a bit of a stretch, and "crack-whore desperate for money" might be more accurate. But today, as he trudges towards me in his crumpled sweatpants and hotel slippers, he looks more like some homeless guy who is about to ask me for money. After I apologize for spraying mace in his face, we settle down and get to talking.

Short, pot-bellied and pushing 51, his black moustache and straggly mullet give him all the sex appeal of my husband. The only place where his polyester tracksuit top would look at home is in a charity shop window, or wrapped around me as a I fall asleep thinking about him.

Uhhh, what was that last line again?

But as the sneaky smirks of the businessmen sitting near us show, to those in the know, Ron Jeremy is a huge celebrity. Emphasis on huge (get it?). This week he is launching an album of dialogue and music from his films - a CD for people "to have sex to". "Have you ever wanted to have sex with your wife and pretend you were in a porn movie? Well, this CD will help make that a reality. The CD also comes with a fake moustache and polyester tracksuit top so that you can enhance the mood by looking like me".

Hmm... I own a couple of polyester tracksuit tops, and I think I could grow a moustache if I gave it a few years of not shaving. I should talk to Bay about this.

Ronald Jeremiah was a teacher turned actor with a masters degree when he broke into the industry by chance in 1978.

As soon as people saw 23-year-old Ron in the buff, offers to appear on infomercials for products like "Nads", "Igia hair removal", and "Sing yourself hairless" started to flood in. "I liked the idea of an acting job that allowed me to broaden the singing part of my talents, but I decided, 'What the hell, I'll just do porn instead'".

I wonder how many brilliant minds in computer science we've lost to porn the same way? For all you non-techies out there, in computer science, we have a term called the brain drain, which relates to how the porn industry keeps stealing brilliant computer scientists away from the industry.

But first he asked his parents what they thought of the idea. His dad, a physicist, and his mum, a former spy with the OSS, the forerunner of the CIA, told him "Ron, you're not like other kids, you're more like Teenwolf".

"A lot of gay guys were calling and she couldn't understand it. She kept saying to my father: 'Why are all these cissies calling me?'. My father replied, 'because you have the physique of a burly 40 year old man, and the softspoken and delicate manner of a woman who's life has been troubled with chest hair'".

On a more serious note, I'm actually kind of surprised those wolf-kids you see on every second episode of Guiness Book of World Records Prime Time haven't starred in porn yet. I figure it's only a matter of time. Seriously, even if it's just for the novelty, you'd think they'd get at least one offer. Guess that's what I'm going to be doing tonight - watching wolf porn. Does anyone else hate the guy that hosts America's Funniest Home Videos now? I can't believe they actually found some asshole that's less funny than Bob Saget. I have to keep buying new phone books because I inevitably end up tearing one in half whenever that guy comes on the TV.

"But my parents were OK with the whole thing, after the whole wolfman burn I nailed them with. My mum had Parkinson's disease and died, so she obviously didn't have a problem with it, and my dad saw me in some films already, but he's walked in on me masturbating multiple times, so it's nothing he hasn't seen before."

"We'd be sitting in the theatre with him and my sister and I covered them up - not that I think they'd want to watch. I took them because I wanted them to judge my acting, which is a very important part of any good porn film."

Oh totally. If the acting in a porn movie is off, it's unwatchable.

But it wasn't his acting the directors loved. In the days before Viagra, Ron could perform on set for hours at a time. And his guy-next-door looks meant viewers loved to watch him.

As they found fame in the 70s and 80s, many of Ron's co-stars fell into drink and drug abuse. But somehow he managed to avoid the excesses and lead a more "normal" life. That is of course, until he discovered cake. He says: "I was always offered drugs. But I never did them - Because I had my trusty cake. It got to the point where I would be eating cake off the ass of some naked young buck of a boy, and I would refuse to start a shot until I'd had at least two slices".

I almost fell into the cake-vice once, but fortunately I pulled myself out. I still get cravings every now and then for a nice lemon pound cake with cream cheese icing though. Oh man.

"The industry is a lot less sleazy and a lot more sanitised than people think. It's not men in raincoats trying to persuade girls to come and be in movies. Sometimes they wear cardigans and balaclavas.

"If you'd told me the way my life was going to turn out when I was a teenager I would have asked you who the hell you are, and why you're talking to me."

$120,000! No wonder sex change operations are becoming popular..

But while Ron always gets the girls on film, in real life he hasn't been so lucky. "The ol' slip a little something in the drink technique doesn't work nearly as well as it used to", spits Jeremy.

Leaning closer, he says: "You've got a husband, right? OK, then let me tell you something. He probably thinks that you have too much back hair. Everyone I talk to says after five or six years of marriage, their wives have too much back hair.

What?? No one told me about that part of relationships! It's never mentioned in Mars/Venus, nor in Paul Reiser's book Couplehood! Could Paul Reiser have failed me?

Feeling rather a prude, I sit wide-eyed as he adds: "My dad was monogamous for 35 years. I was like: 'How did you do that?' He told me: 'It's basic. I'm a eunuch.'"

There's not really much you can say to that, is there?

Uhh, I guess not. Not really much I'd want to say to that either. Feels good to fall back into the usual routine of sitting around in my underwear and scratching myself. Er, and also coming to work and drinking tea. Harhar! What a hilarious freudian slip that was!

I think Graham and I are having mix-battle 9000 tomorrow or Sunday, during which we will mix records and probably play some stupid video game or something dumb like that. The way will be dangerous and frought with peril, but I have no fear that we will vanquish our foes and come out on top.

Hey, does anyone else here like watching gladiators? If so, please write a comment describing your favorite gladiatorial match up, as well as your favorite gladiator costume to dress up in when you're alone.

Holy cow.. My server has stayed up for more than 3 hours! I'm shocked and amazed, and feeling a little bit lugubrious about the whole deal. Lots of things going on in the world these days now - Mostly Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton, neither of which are remotely interesting, but Britney Spears is doing her bit to stay in the spotlight by talking about how Justin Timberlake was a let down, wangally - you go Britney! Take this award for most graceful breakup ever too.

None of that really matters though, because of this. This bears looking into.

Like many famous people, Jared Fogle rarely gets through a meal in a restaurant without being interrupted by well-meaning people introducing themselves.

Fogle is "Jared the Subway Guy with less charisma that that of the vegetables in his Subway sandwiches," famous because he lost 245 pounds a few years ago by eating Subway subs and not much else. Instantly recognizable now from his TV commercials for the sandwich maker, he's evolved from unwitting and ugly part-time celebrity to something of a pop-culture icon who is still ugly, making a comfortable living traveling around with his old 60-inch waist jeans and telling his story.

That's gotta be a proud existence.

Fogle recently was here for a Subway-sponsored American Heart Association walk and spoke to school children about Michael Jackson. He stopped at a pancake house for breakfast and ended up signing autographs and chatting with other patrons and waitresses. A truck driver from Ohio named Steve told Fogle he dropped 80 pounds and stops at Subway five times a week.

"Exercise is a myth", stated Jared, while playing Dance Dance Revolution, "it's a story perpetuated by the man to get us to pay their gym membership fees. Trust me, all you need to lose weight is the all hoagie diet".

I want to know where Jared got the money to do nothing but eat at Subway three times a day, 7 days a week. That's an expensive diet! Jared should also have some infomercial where he explains how he did part-time work from home to make billions of dollars to be able to afford his diet program.

It does get a little old after awhile, he acknowledged, having to be "on" in public all the time, especially for a guy who spent so many years as an obese person doing his best not to be noticed. "I don't really have any personality either", whines Jared, "so it's difficult when people come up and talk to me. Usually I just throw a sub at them and hope that they go away".

But Fogle, an Indiana University graduate who briefly had a real job at an airline as an airline steward before the Subway gig took off, knows this won't last forever. "I was the guy that got to point out the emergency exits. I liked that job, and I can't wait to go back to it".

I heard that Jared Fogle was also considered for the leading role in "View from the Top" or whatever that airline stewardess movie with Gwyneth Paltro was called.

"If people didn't give a damn, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in," Fogle said. "I try not to lose sight of that. Besides, it's not like I don't have other job options open - Many modelling companies have appraoched me, saying I have the ideal personality they look for in a model, and that I'm actually more attractive than most of the runway models currently out there."

The public face of Subway for almost four years, the Fogster, 26, has done and seen things he never could have imagined back when he weighed 425 pounds and couldn't walk across his apartment without getting winded. "When I first started to get famous, I was out of control. I was doing PCP and crack cocaine constantly throughout the day. I was a pimp for a while too - I never could have pulled that off when I was all fat and gross".

Hmm, that's interesting, because, now that I think of it, I don't think I've ever seen a fat pimp. Mind you, I haven't really seen that many pimps so.. yah.

Thanks to Subway, he's visited all 50 states and several countries, rode a Zamboni at an NHL game, waved the green flag to start a NASCAR race, and chatted with former football greats on the "NFL Today" show on CBS, even trading autographs with former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino. "These are all traditional things that someone who's destined to be famous for 15 minutes gets to experience", says Verdimyer, some executive from Russia, "At our office, we have a betting pool to see who's career dies faster, Evan Marriot from Joe Millionaire, or Jared Fogle".

Hmmm. That betting pool is a good idea...

One time he and wife, Elizabeth, a pediatric nurse, stopped in at the bar of the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills, Calif., and noticed actors Ben Affleck and Matt Damon looking over and whispering.

"I could tell they were sort of talking about me, because I heard hideously ugly and personality of a carrot mentioned a couple different times," he said. "It was a trip. My wife was freaking out because someone had just stolen her purse, but I told her to shut up and let me enjoy being famous. She kept going on but I threatened her with a bag of oranges and that shut her up pretty quickly."

Ah the bag of oranges. That's Bing Crosby style!

The National Enquirer tried to dig up some dirt on him, but since he's so boring, they couldn't really find anything. "According to our research, it seems like all Jared does is wake up, stare at a wall, go to Subway. Then he comes home, stares at a wall some more, then goes to Subway again".

Fogle said he gets a good laugh from most of the talk. He's been in the public eye long enough now to know that it comes with the territory of being ultra-famous. "I'm sexy, glamorous, and beautiful. What can I say?", states Jared, causing us to spew milk out of our noses in laughter.

I think Jared would be kind of cool as the new Calvin Klein model. He's definitely more attractive than Kate Moss.

"I think when he talks to people they can see he's not a slick, polished spokesperson," Kane said. "He's nerdy and ugly, and people don't feel intimidated by him." A common response seems to be that "If that fat dork can lose 245 lbs, so can I!"

Jared is also working on a book and thinks he might try getting a job at Bosley Medical. "Well, we normally only have medical doctors working at Bosley's Medical Hair Treatment Center for Men", states Joe Bosley, "But we can easily get around that by giving him an honorary PhD. In fact, I think every one of our employees has an honorary PhD. Even John the janitor is a Dr!"

Wow. There go all my expectations and assumptions up in flames. I can't believe that Bosley Medical actually employs people that aren't legitimate doctors! The informercial LIED!

Fogle still eats at Subway several times a week, usually for free during appearances. He long ago began incorporating regular foods into his diet, such as beets and the souls of children, but his menu choices still draw glances and comments from people when he goes out to eat.

"They used to watch a lot more," he said. "By now most people realize, 'Hey, he's just some ugly guy, let's try and find someone more interesting."

Ahh Jared.

Well, I have to say, he's stayed in the public eye for WAY longer than I ever imagined he would, and in all fairness, he's probably handled it a lot better than I would have. If I got famous for an all hoagie diet, I'd probably ditch everyone I know and start hanging out with famous people, like Screech Powers from Saved by the Bell.

Not much else to report on today - going to play squash with Graham again tonight, which is apparently the new cardio workout for the future. I go through big phases of doing things, so I've been reading a whole bunch of strategy and stuff for squash which will no doubt prove useless once on the court. I always get excited reading through these types of pages, thinking it's going to be way cooler now, then actually try and implement some of what I've read, only to discover it makes no difference at all. Horray! Nothing comes without practice though, so I guess that's what has to be done.

Can't believe it's Thursday already.. Time's been flying by as of late, probably because of every waking hour of mine has been spent fighting an epic battle with my router, and reading melodramatic online journals of troubled teens.. I can't pull myself away, it's like staring at a car accident victim and throwing fruit at them.

Anyhow - I'm Audi 5000!

Well, I spilled water on my router before leaving to Phoenix. Before I took off, I bought a new router from Compusmart in town and hooked it up. Within 30 minutes of getting it set up, it died on me, and much to my surprise, revived itself when I saved its settings again. This happened a couple of times, and I had hoped I had the problem solved when I left for Phoenix. Of course, within about 60 minutes of me leaving the router went down yet again.

When I got back into town, I returned the router for the same one, figuring that it just must be a broken router. The past two days of up/down connectivity have shown that it wasn't, so today at work I started searching for other people that have had similar problems. Apparently the router I had, the LinkSys BEFRS41 v2, has been replaced with v3, which was the model I was trying to use. V3 is relatively new, and the firmware that it has (firmware is like software that is embedded onto the hardware.. sort of) is pretty buggy.

So, long story short, tonight I got fed up with LinkSys, went down to Compusmart and picked up a DLink router. Everything seems to be working fine now, but I'm not holding my breath - only time will tell if this solves the problem.

If everything works out, which I hope it does, tune in tomorrow for my first actual blog update since I got back, not including the trip summary.

This was the main look on my face throughout most of my stay in Phoenix

It's true - after being down in Phoenix for 6 days, my body is TOTALLY used to Phoenix time. Some of you jerks may point out that it's only an hour's worth of time, but try and imagine how disoriented you feel after daylight savings time!

So anyhow, the trip was alright, but it wasn't great. Here are some of the things that made the trip kind of lame:

• My hotel was literally in the center of Phoenix's ghetto. No embellishment. Every single taxi driver that picked me up asked me why the hell I was staying at that hotel, made suggestions for other hotels I should check into, and some also suggested that I don't go out at night. The first night I got in, it was about 9:00 PM. I figured I'd walk to the nearest restaurant, got about four minutes out, looked around, and decided that I didn't feel even remotely safe, and headed back into my hotel room and ordered pizza. The first night I was there, I saw a guy get pulled over in his car, searched and arrested, all only about 15 feet away from my hotel room. I even took a picture of it, though you can't see the perpetrator or the police officer, but you can see the trunk of his car open because it was getting searched:

  
  Beautiful view out the window of my motel room

  As an added bonus, I would be awoken throughout the night by sketchy couples arguing with each other, probably over how much they should be selling their baby for on the black market to fund their crack addiction.
  

• The conference wasn't totally related to what I was doing, so a lot of the talks I attended weren't all that helpful. Not only that, but the conference was dedicated to super computing, which, as you may all have guessed, doesn't involve any ninjas, and surprisingly, no robots either. Part of my goals were to go around and talk to people and find out what they're doing, and see if they're using anything similar to the technology I'm setting up at work. Naturally, almost all of them were NOT and so the conversations had a tendency to go like this:

  Me: Hi, I'm Adam. I was wondering if you guys were using any collaborative technology to aid the development of your products.
  Egghead #4629: Well, not per se, but allow me to show you this incredibly complicated piece of hardware, and talk for about 15 minutes about it.

  ...2 hours later...

  Egghead #4629: So, as you can see, you're clearly a moron, and I'm way smarter than you'll ever be. I'm using the telekinesic powers of my brain to power this half of the exhibit floor. Suck it loser!
  

• I was at the conference from about 8:30 until 5:00 every day. Because my motel was so sketchy, I couldn't really head home, then go back out for dinner - it was too pricey to take the two extra cab trips, and there was no way I was going out walking once the sun went down. That meant I pretty much had to hang around town and eat dinner, before heading home. However, since I'd eat lunch at about 1:00PM (that was when the first break was), I usually wasn't hungry until 6ish at the earliest. I figured that would be fine - I could just check out the stores in downtown phoenix (which is quite pretty, as far as infrastructure is concerned). The weird thing is that downtown Phoenix has absolutely NO shopping stores. All it has are business buildings, some hotels, and a lot of restaurants. So every day after the conference was spent wandering around for an hour and a half. That wasn't really all that bad, because Phoenix had some nice areas to take pictures (which will be up in the photo gallery soon) and some great restaurants. This one restaurant I went to had two for one draft beer:

  
  +2 Beer of Happiness
  

• Because of the fact that I couldn't really go out once I had gone home, and I didn't want to needlessly waste my supervisor's expense account, I couldn't really do any shopping or sight-seeing in Phoenix during the conference days. I did however get an excellent chance to catch up on TV reruns.

The first thought that should come to mind for anyone reading this is that I'm totally looking at gift horse in the mouth. That's true, and I'm aware of it. I mean, worst case scenario, I did get a free trip to Phoenix, and got a chance to attend an internationally reknowned conference. And that's true. It's not that I'm not grateful of the opportunity, but if I had a chance to do the thing over again, I either would have booked a different hotel, or maybe not even gone. All the same, here are some of the good things that I came upon while in Phoenix.

• Everyone there was really friendly. Even the cab drivers that reeked of cigarettes and bourbon were pretty cool to talk to.
• When I was down there, it was winter. I didn't see a cloud in the sky, and the temperature was about the same as that which we would experience in Victoria during the summer, and everyone was walking around in t-shirts and shorts. Of course, during the summer there, everyone was telling me it was unbearable. Maybe the ideal situation is Victoria for summer, Phoenix for winter.
• Palm trees! I love palm trees. I guess it's that tropical feeling. Here's what a typical sunset in Phoenix looks like:

  
  

• As I mentioned before, the only thing that downtown Phoenix had were restaurants and business buildings, but almost all of those restaurants were really cool. Good prices, good portions, great food. My favorite type of restaurants are fun places like Red Robin's and Boston Pizza (for casual dining at least), and that's pretty much what most of these restaurants were like.
• Awesomest part of all. The cable service my motel used had a 24-hour religious channel, which in itself, isn't really all that great (I hate TV evangelism deeply). However, one night, trying to fall asleep, I was flipping through the channels and came upon this:

  
  I pity the foo that doesn't love Jesus! I pity him!

  Yes, that's right! That is Mr. T preaching about how much he loves Jesus! Click on the image to see about 3 minutes of his sermon. I think that this alone made the trip awesome. I couldn't believe that I was seeing this. I apologize for the poor quality of the video, but I was filming the TV through my camera, so there's only so much I can do.
  

Anyhow, the trip was alright, but man, it feels great to be back. The States are alright, but I would have a pretty hard time going down there for any length of time without missing Canada.

I'm home sick today - sitting in an airplane with kids pulling on my ears seems to have that effect on me. That means I'm basically sitting at home watching TV and drinking liquids. Mmmm. If I feel up to the task, I'll post up an obligatory humour post later on today. The gallery should be up in a few hours.

Oh, I forgot that I never mentioned the gallery link. It's at the top under the new navigation menu, for all of you that didn't notice.

Hurrah, I'm back, and it feels pretty great. Trip was alright, but I don't feel like writing up a huge post tonight - tomorrow I'll throw up some details, provided I'm feeling up to the task; I feel pretty sick right now.

Well, it's Monday morning, and instead of going into work, I'm flying to Phoenix to hobnob with the intelligent and smelly people that gather at these sort of conferences. Today's portion of the six day adventure revolves solely around travel, and some of things I'm looking forward to are:

• Getting my crotch sniffed by a security dog at the airport
• Getting hassled because I only have a birth certificate, and no passport
• Meeting and making fun of Ben Affleck
• Getting to my hotel and realizing I forgot to book a room

As you can see, there's a lot of fun to be packed into this one small day, so I have to go and get started right away. More updates throughout the week..

Oops, forgot to throw this up earlier this morning. Quick tribute to where I'm heading.

GREETINGS MORTALS. Welcome to Friday, the last weekday I work before I head off to the scorched wasteland some people like to call Phoenix, and the rest of us call the groin of America.

Now, lately, I've been getting a ton of e-mails relating to questions about modding your cars so that you can have totally pimp street racers. I tried to keep my past under wraps, but apparently, people have still managed to become aware of the fact that I used to own a fully modded Chevrolet Sprint that I street raced with. It's true - I can't hide it any longer.

Be that as it may, most of these e-mails have been asking me how people can become as cool as me and mod out their own Sprints, or Westfalias, or Winnebagos. The fact is, you can't become as cool as me, but you can tape a big picture of me over top of your mirror, and that way, everytime you check yourself out in the mirror, BLAMMO, you'll look pretty damn cool.

Still, I CAN help you guys out with the car modding aspect. I've found a delightful little article that should get us started on our way in no time. Are you ready? Let's lose some IQ points!

Modding your Car for little or no money

Ok, we all want a nice and fast car to pose and drive to its limits, but it seems like the only way to do it is to spend thousands on your car, or to go and buy a Bullet Train. Bullet Train's can easily destroy any rice rocket out there in a race, and they're definitely the ultimate import. Seeing as most of us cant afford to do that, we all have to start somewhere, like your grandpa's station wagon.

My grandpa already had the ol' Plymouth station wagon modded when I got into this game, so this wasn't really an option for me.

First thing first, number one on the list of having a decent engine in your chariot is…..Take care of it.

Plain and simple, your engine will run a lot better and smoother if you don't use it a lot. Take out the engine in your car and keep it in your fridge, where the cool air will keep the engine looking clean and sharp. The best part about this technique is that you can now use the hood of your car to store extra stuff have, like all the rotting food you now have that you can't fit anything else into your fridge.

I never use my fridge anyhow. I think it's unnatrual.

Servicing your car is far more simple than it seems, all you need is Oil (Virgin Olive Oil is the healthiest), an oil filter (A paper towel works pretty good, or one of your friend's shirts), an air filter (can be bought late at night from an infomercial), a horse (you can buy them in bulk at Wal-Mart), and four locks of hair from a virgin man (save time by taking these from any male cashier working at Wal-Mart).

Is there anything you can't get at Wal-Mart?

Induction kits

The first “mod” I got for my car was a K&N 57i induction kit, it cost me 89.99 and was well worth it. The first thing I did with this kit is hit Johnny Knolson in the back of the head with it. He used to make fun of me all throughout junior high, and so the price for this kit was worth it for the payback alone. These days I store the kit in the glove compartment of my car just in case I run into any other guys that made fun of me.

Hey, that sounds like a pretty good idea. I got made fun of a lot in junior high school, so maybe I'll invest in one of these kits. I'm starting to get excited.

If you actually install the induction kit, don’t expect massive power gains because they won't come, instead you get a lovely roar when revving the engine, which is half the battle. My kit makes my car sound like a lion roaring, and I use this to scare old ladies all the time. The kit operates by sucking in cold air for your engine, so if you can't afford this mod, you can just dump a bunch of ice cubes in your gas tank each time before you go out.

I've been using the ice cube technique for quite some time, and I've been nothing but happy with it. For optimal results, you can pour smoothies into your gas tank as well. I've found that Strawberry and Banagurt are the best flavours.

Exhausts

Ok, the main purpose of an exhaust pipe is to make a really loud noise so that everyone in a two mile radius wants to kill you. Most car modders don't understand this, but the optimal way to do this is to kick off your exhaust pipe and muffler. You'll get maximum sound, for minimum money. For even better results, attach a megaphone to your tailpipe.

On our trip up to Mt. Washington, Ben was trying to do this trick too. He kicked off the tailpipe, and, like I said earlier, we got a wicked bear about to eat someone's head sort of sound coming out of the engine. I never knew that Ben was a street racer.

Powerboost valve

The powerboost valve is known mainly for its cool name. Cheap to buy at under 100 dollars, it does nothing at all except make your gas glow a nice neon blue color. This is absolutely essential to a succesful car mod, as you will get no respect if less than 9 different parts of your car are glowing. For an extra 200 dollars, you can get the optional strobe attachment, which will make your gasoline appear as though it is at a rave. Totally wicked.

I think my gas is pink, but that's just because I spilled kool-aid in the gas tank once.

If money is not an issue then throttle bodies and a performance cam is the way forward, turbos are so last year, along with hooker boots and big belts. To really make your car look sharp, put lots of bumper stickers on it.

Ah yes. Nothing says class like bumper stickers!

We come now to more pricey mods you can do to your car.

Having a camshaft obviously increases your performance. Somehow. So buy one. It doesn't even matter if the camshaft will fit in your car, or even if you install it. If you don't have a lot of money, buy some construction paper at Staples, and write the word "Camshaft" on it. For a really classy finish, use an obscure font to write that word. If you want to take the optional asian-modification approach, put the word "Mugen" on there somewhere as well. Now, tape the construction paper to the front hood of your car. Other street-racers will really be impressed, because you won't even need to pop your hood to show them your camshaft. If they look confused, don't be worried - most street-racers aren't literate, so they're probably just trying to figure out what it says.

Aha! I saw Ben writing "Mugan Type-R Laser Astro Boy Camshaft" on some paper the other day... now I know what he was doing!

ECU chip upgrades

An ECU chip is very similar to an ECM in an airplane. The acronym stands for Electronic Chaff Upgrade. This chip will reduce the risk of your car being hit by missiles shot from planes overhead. Obviously, many street-racers regard this as an absolute necessity in any modded car. If you get a more expensive chip, you can actually gain control of the missiles, which is invaluable when you're losing a street-race. More than a few street-races have been won due to missile strikes.

Hmmm. So, if I got an ECU chip that was really good, I could control both Russian satelites and missiles! That'd be pretty sweet.

Bodywork

Its hard for me to talk about this one, as there are sooooo many places and choices to go for. I would say that any gym with a neck excerciser is ideal. Most street-racers think that working out only your upper body and letting your legs atrohpy is an attractive look, but they're totally wrong. Only work out your neck, and your forearms - Popeye didn't get a babe like Olive Oil because of his personality. But seriously, you can work your chest out as well if you like, but make sure that your neck gets worked out at least five times a week.

My neck's getting pretty huge these days, I'm pretty happy with it.

Oh weird, the article just ends there. Oh well, I think those tips are more than enough to get you all started modding your mom's minivan, or your bike, or whatever. I don't really care either way.

I've got the gallery set up! HA! Suck it, all you disbelievers! I don't have a link to it, so you have to click here for now. Also, I haven't put any descriptions up for the pictures, and it's still in need of some tweaking. But it's there-ish. So that's good. Maybe I can focus on over aspects of my life now, like eating and bathing.

As you can no doubt tell from the title of this entry, I too am getting ready for the full body cavity search that we all like to refer to as "Christmas shopping".

"But Adam", you whine, "Christmas shopping is fun, because it lets you give gifts to people you like". "Haha", I reply, pouring gasoline on your house, "Christmas shopping sucks, and so do you". But fear not, I have found a handy little article that basically alleviates ALL of the negative parts about holiday shopping, leaving only the joy of giving at the end. Hopefully, sometime in the near future, we can develop a sophisticated robot to get rid of that as well.

Onwards!

Five Tips to Make Holiday Shopping Easier

- Whether you're shopping for your children, your dog, that hot secretary in accounting or others you love like your own, buying holiday gifts for the little and big ones in your life can be exhausting and stressful, mostly because they always want the most obscure toys. Where do you begin? Ideally, under other people's Christmas trees, since they've probably already gotten the exact same gifts your kids want.

That reminds me of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. I like that movie. The Grinch is pretty damn ugly though. Like, it wouldn't kill him to dress up once in a while. People might like him a little more if he did that. Maybe a smart bow-tie, or sweater-vest. I don't know, just a thought.

Getting organized before you reach for that credit card can go a long way toward avoiding your husband purchasing expensive knives from info-mercials at two o'clock in the morning. Making your holiday shopping easier and more enjoyable is another story altogether, and we would recommend just becoming a Jehovah's Witness so you don't have to celebrate Christmas. If you insist upon celebrating Christmas, follow these tips to keep your sanity (and budget) intact through the holiday season.

Ah yes, the ol' J-dubs. Some Jehovah's Witness approached me in Starbucks last winter, and interupted my reading to talk at me. I don't mind a debate though, so I went along with it for a while. Here was her opening segue:

Ancient lady: "What are you reading?"
Me: "A little science fiction action"
Ancient lady: "Do you ever read history?"
Me: "No, I don't really care for history, it doesn't particularly interest me"
Ancient bitter lady: "What about the bible?"
Me (at this point seeing the preplanned sales pitch she's going to give me): "No, I'm not religious"

From there, she went on to tell me that Jehovah's Witness celebrate a way of life, not a religion. But really, it's just coming up with a different name for the same thing - a dogma, a theological belief, a way of living, and a way of treating others. The rest of the conversation followed with exchanges like this one:

Me: "So you don't believe in evolution then?"
Small shriveled lady: "Well, I've read in a book that they have now proven that all fossils have come from the same layer of earth, and thus, they must have all been planted at the same time."
Me: "What book was that?"
Crazy cat lady: "I don't know, I can't remember.. A book."
Me: "Ahh. Doesn't sound that reputable or reliable a source."
Crazy cat lady: "Oh it was [nodding head vigorously]"

Anyhow, any way of life where you don't have to do Christmas shopping sounds like a good one to me. I think they might be on to something there. I wonder where that crazy cat lady is nowadays..

Plan ahead - Remember, as the holiday season grows hectic, so does your schedule. Start planning on boxing day of the preceding year. Take the time to find out opening and closing times for your favorite stores, and getting to know the clerks. Find out which clerks have a dark past that can be used against them to ensure that they'll hang on to one of the really good toys for you. Most stores tend to claim to have longer hours during the holiday season, but that's a crock. Truthfully, most stores close earlier during the holidays, and then just sit in the store laughing at the people that thought they were really serious about the extended holiday hours.

They do that to me all the time! I hate that! If this happens to you, I would recommend tea-bagging their front door. If you're a girl, you made need to enlist the help of a stranger to achieve this, but that's okay, most guys are more than willing to tea-bag random stuff.

To avoid crowds, it's best to shop early in the day at roughly 4:30 AM, avoiding peak times, like lunchtime and weekends, when stores can become crowded and overwhelming. A handy tip from our editor - don't bath for a few days before going shopping. You'll be guaranteed a little more elbow space when shopping, and often times, people will let you go straight to the front of the line.

Ah, I've seen people try this trick before, so I always keep a thing of Binaca on me. If anyone tries to stink you out of the line, just blast them with some spearmint Binaca. If you are doing the 4:30 AM shopping, you can also use Binaca to help stay awake by spraying it in your eyes.

Make a detailed list - Follow Santa's lead here and make a list, then check it twice. Once you've done that, check it three more times, then tear it up. It doesn't matter at all what you write down, because as soon as you've bought your presents, your kids are going to tell you that they want some other toy you haven't bought. The ideal present for kids is a donation to the Make a Wish Foundation in their name, and a card telling them that you have done that. Nothing makes a kid's eyes light up more than tearing open the wrapping paper and finding out that some orphan is getting their presents instead. If they start to complain, hit them in the head with a piece of coal, and they'll shut up pretty quickly.

Back in my family, we used a piece of brick wall instead of coal but the end result was generally the same.

Write down the names of all the children that have been screaming and crying while you've eaten in restaurants, and then go to their schools and egg them as they're leaving. This won't really aid in your Christmas shopping, but it's a great way to relieve stress and burn off a few of those extra holiday calories. Haha, we know you're going to be putting them on over the holidays chubby, so accept that and move on. On your gift list, for each person you need to shop for, write their ages and one hobby or interest. Then try to come up with a gift that represents the opposite of that hobby. Nothing is more hilarious than watching a bunch of kids open their presents only to discover that they got a "plant your own tree kit". If your kids have really been irritating you all year, just get them each a stamp book.

I always used to get deodorant for Christmas when I was younger, but I didn't mind, because I found that if you sniffed it hard enough, it made your brain tingle.

Some people like to write down a few gift ideas that would appeal to several of the children on their list. If you know anyone like this, see if you can mug them and take their list. It doesn't matter that they're shopping for different people, kids all want the same stuff anyhow. Another excellent time saver is walking into a toy store holding a morning-star. For optimal efficiency, swing it in wide circles above your head.

I can't remember what I did with my morning-star when I last had it, so I've been using a halberd lately. I find that it is more effective for long reach, but that it isn't as good in tight cramped settings.

Be sure to pick up a few things with universal appeal, like art sets, anything made out of crystal, t-shirts with beer logos and light bulbs - This way, you can be prepared in the event an unexpected little person pops up on your list.

If you decide to buy online, many sites will be more than happy to anally-rape you with the price of their shipping and handling.

That's true - I once got charged twenty dollars customs on a record I had purchased that cost me fourteen dollars. How does that work?

Get them something they need, like a spare kidney. Toys are great, but the holidays are a perfect time to stock up on fun and useful items, too. Colorful mittens or wacky socks make toasty winter gifts, and will have you kids happily telling other kids that they got shitty socks, yet again. Another great inexpensive "I don't care about you" gift idea is a battery-powered toothbrush. Kids love getting a toothbrush for Christmas. Other great items include:

Also, everyone loves the delicious scent of those tree-shaped air freshners. They make great last-minute stocking stuffers because you don't have to brave a crowded toy store to find them, you can get them from your local gas station. In fact, the gas station is a veritable motherlode of Christmas gifts. Every kid loves the smell of gasoline, so give them a jar of gas for Christmas. If you really want to kick it up a notch, go jerky. Your kids will be telling their grandchildren about their best Christmas ever - the all beef jerky Christmas.

Oh man, I love a good jerk. I wish my parents had cared enough to throw me and my brother an all jerky Christmas. Jerkmas, if you will.

Let them choose - If you are really stumped or simply don't care enough to do shopping, get them a job at McDonalds so they can buy their own gift. If you live nearby, part of your gift can be ordering food from them. Taking the child to the store to select his gift is a bad idea. Instead, just tell him that Santa Claus doesn't exist. He'll be so upset, he'll completely forget about presents! Haha!

They say it is more fun to give than to receive during the holidays, whoever the hell they are. We think they're a bunch of jerks. It's actually more fun to drink a bunch of rum and eggnog and throw eggs at the kids walking by your house.

I guess that's true. I've never tried that, but maybe it's time I started.

Ah man. I jest, but I'm excited about Christmas - the holidays are nice, vacation is nice, being finished Christmas shopping is nice. In the past, it's always been a stretch for me, because I've had classes and exams right up until about December 24th, 11:00PM, which makes Christmas shopping a little rough. But this year, I'm only working, so I'll be able to get my shopping done early, and ensure that I get all the best flavours of beef jerky from Esso.

The gallery is coming along gradually, which is obviously something I've been saying to string you all along for the past month, but I have the colors and style working now, so it's now just a matter of the finishing touches, and determining which pictures I think should go up, and which should stay out of the public eye. Don't worry, pictures of me eating toast naked will probably make the cut.

Oh, in other exciting news, I bought a new microwave and toaster oven last night. That's right all you Amish jerks, I can cook a baked potato in about five minutes, compared to however long it takes your stupid horse to plow you a baked potato. I've had my old microwave since I was eighteen, when I first moved out. My dad bought it for me - which was really cool of him. Of course, the microwave wasn't the best quality, which is fine - I'm not complaining about a free microwave by any means, but it had only two dials - one for the time, and another for the power settings: Desert Dry and Frozen. Also, for about three years, the turntable hasn't worked, so I would have to manually stop the microwave and rotate the food in order to get it cooked evenly. Now, that I've got my new microwave set up, I've been cooking all manner of things, from frozen pizza to car tires and I'm very pleased with the results.

The toaster oven is something I've always wanted, because I don't like normal toasters. There, I said it. I hate them. They suck. They always burn my toast, which pisses me off. So the new toaster oven does everything. It makes milquetoast, I can make grilled cheese with it (which I hate), and tonight I'm going to discover if it can cook a 20lb turkey. I don't think the turkey will fit in the toaster oven, so I'm just going to rest it on top, but I'm sure the toaster oven is smart enough to know how to deal with it.

Much to my dissapointment, I realized I'm not really going to have computer access while I'm in Phoenix, which kind of sucks. No blog updates for me, which, I find irritating, because, for whatever reason, I'm proud of the fact that I manage to waste a significant amount of time cranking out a post on a pretty regular basis. Also, without internet and computer access, I really don't know what to do with myself. How will I look up things to do in Phoenix? How will I know which restaurants are good, and which ones serve what can only be described as hamburgers containing 100% real beef-ish.

However, I always say, don't look a gift horse in the mouth, despite the fact that none of my so-called friends have ever given me a horse. I think I'd look at it from the side. The saying should probably really be "Don't look at a gift horse from behind, they have huge gross disgusting asses". So, I guess I'm going to take my own advice, and avoid the rear of Phoenix, which in this extended metaphor, represents the lack of computer access, and instead appreciate its side, which is the opportunity to try some beef-ish.

So I'm back, after my one day hiatus. Yesterday was Bay and I's day of excitement at Goldstream, and then later on, Lexi and I's evening of disturbing man groin. I'll leave the man groin part alone for now, but I guarantee that I will elaborate later on, once I figure out how to do screen captures. Stay tuned to the blog, because you will be telling your grandkids about The day that Adam dropped the man groin bomb on the unsuspecting world.

A lot of people lately have been coming up to me and asking me how to choose the right carpet for themselves. My typical answer has been, "Look [your name], carpet is for losers, gravel floors are in these days. It's the natural look you want to go for!". However, this approach never seems to work, and sure enough, [your name] is bugging me for carpet advice again two or three days later.

So, I have decided to put an end to this, and find you all the definitive carpet selection guide. No more of these irritating questions about carpet. No more of me having to flaunt my carpet expertise. No more of me getting blamed for someone's kid turning out all screwy because I recommended the wrong carpet.

Here is the guide, and here is the important stuff, quoted verbatim (meaning could be accurate, but also might not be) from the link posted above.

How To Get The Right Carpet For Your Home, or, It's just carpet bunghole, chill out.

Your carpet is probably the most important interior design element in your home. That's why it pays to buy and install your carpet before you have even begun to build the foundation for your home. Sometimes, it's a good idea to get your carpet installed on something portable, so that you can take it with you when you consider buying some property for your home. If your carpet clashes with the trees, color of ground, or any other outdoorsy part of the property, don't worry, you can paint the trees and ground to match your carpet.

True story - I grew up with argyle trees, and until I read this article, I always figured that we just had trees imported from Chernobyl.

Since carpet is so dreadfully important, we would recommend getting the highest quality you can afford. Specifically from us. The more you pay us the better. Wherever you buy your carpet, it will fall apart unless you buy it from us. Also, it is always important to buy the extended warranty whenever you get carpet. Most carpets that we see go out our door break within two weeks. You don't want a broken carpet - we've seen people swallowed whole by fisures in a broken piece of carpet, never to be seen again. We're not sure where they go. Maybe an alternate universe, where up is down and down is up and nothing is what it seems.

The extended warranty bit is good advice - these guys must be taking lessons from the Future Shop sales staff.

A carefully considered decision today will reward you many times over in the years to come. That's a neat saying hey? We got that from a fortune cookie, and really wanted to work it into an article some how. Anyhow, to help you in your search for the right carpet, here are some questions to ask yourself before you purchase.

Well, I'm getting pretty excited. And that fortune cookie saying is SO DEEP. I love it when you get a fortune like that, rather than ones like You will burn in an eternity of anguish, the likes of which you have never known. Die dirtbag die!

How's the traffic?

Are there a lot of cement trucks driving around your house? How about trains? Carpet is very sensitive to noise, and loud traffic can greatly reduce the the life of your new carpet. For best results, we would recommend leaving your carpet in a sound proof box in a safety deposit box at the bank. This will help ensure that your carpet will stay as fresh and new as the day you bought it. On the other hand, when it comes to foot traffic, all areas of your home are not created equal. For example, you may have noticed that your bathroom is smaller than your living room. If you don't believe us, go and measure them right now. So you'll need to ask yourself how a room or area you want to carpet will be used. Is it a high traffic area, such as a foyer, family room, gynasium, ninja dojo, or hallway & stairs, or a formal living or dining area used only for special occasions, like when you have super boring relatives over that reek of bourbon and mothballs? Our Rating Report will help you determine the very best carpet for every area in your home.

Mmmmm, bourbon and mothballs. I've always liked the Elizabeth Taylor smell.

What's included in the price?

Use it in a sentence: Laminate this!

What's wrong with the color vermillion?

Which color is right, or, how to avoid epilepsy through good carpet selection

Light colors expand a room, while dark colors make a big room seem more intimate, which can lead to you getting lucky. Pretty cool huh? If you're the sort of person that likes to "get intimate" on a regular basis, we would suggest aborting the idea of carpet altogether, and instead just using Saran wrap - it's easier to clean, and you're obviously filthy enough as it is. On the practical side, darker colors are better for covering up unavoidable soils, and bloodstains, so you may want to consider that as well.

Unavoidable blood stains? How often does that happen? I didn't know unavoidable bloodstains were something I needed to consider when buying my carpet. Wow... Clearly carpet buying goes much MUCH deeper beneath the surface than I initially thought. Let's see what other gems are left in this article!

What type of cushion?

A high quality CARPET CUSHION can lengthen the life of your carpet, add resiliency, absorb noise, feed your pets, babysit your kids, and teach orphans to read. Make sure you choose one that's guaranteed, in writing and in drawings, for the life of the carpet. Ask us to show you our "Forever" and "Bigelow Invincible" cushion lines. We came up with the name "Bigelow Invincible" by doing a bunch of LSD. When we woke up the next morning, the words "Bigelow Invincible" were written on a notepad.

I've always wanted to teach orphans to read, but just didn't seem to have enough time. Now I know the trick! Knowledge is power!

What about installation?

Careless installation can doom even the best quality carpet. The best way to protect yourself is to not install your carpet. Just leave it in it's original packing. You probably picked out a really ugly color and pattern anyhow, so what's the point? Whenever you buy a carpet from us, you can always count on the highest quality professional installation, unlike our competitors, who hire homeless people off the street for the price of a hoagie. The Carpet One/Bigelow Installation Excellence Program is something we just made up right now. Sounds kind of cool doesn't it? What should that program offer I wonder.. Hmm. How about: it is your assurance of superior installation. Our state of the art installation techniques plus extensive training and testing guarantees complete, 100% customer satisfaction. In addition, our competition sucks ass. It's true! It says that right in the Carpet One/Bigelow Installation Excellence Program! We stand behind both our commitment to excellence, and the ass-suckiness of our competition with a Lifetime Installation Guarantee. Always look for the Bigelow Installation Excellence Emblem in your retailers showroom - it looks like a block of cheese holding a ninja star. It is your star of Bethlehem in the desert of carpet buying, and will lead you to the Jesus of carpet retailers (us). Please bring us some myrrh, we love that shit.

Mmmm, myrrh. I love a good myrrhing.

Need more help?

When you visit our store, you'll find a staff of friendly, trained, professionals ready to answer any questions you may have. We'll work with you before, during, and after the sale, coming to live with you for a few years to make sure you like the carpet.

I don't remember seeing anything in that article telling you to wear the carpet.. Hmm, odd.

Anyhow, I'm still ultra-lazy and haven't yet gotten the gallery fully configured - I basically have to hack the scripts and impose my own style and stuff on them so that it matches the site. It's a bit of a pain in the ass, especially when I'm running around trying to get my act together to go to Phoenix. For those of you that don't know, I'm heading down to Phoenix, Arizona to go to a conference called: SUPER COMPUTING GLOBAL [trumpet tootle]. My supervisor is paying for me to go down there and learn about the latest and greatest things they are doing with large scale computing. I'm kind of excited but also not excited, because these things involve a lot of socializing with strangers, which is something I'm not usually super keen on. Nevertheless, it's a really good opportunity, and an opportunity in the hand should be crushed and destroyed before it can bite you. Or something like that. I don't care, whatever.

Hopefully that badboy gallery get's put up tonight, but if it doesn't, it might get put up tomorrow (it won't).

Oh yeah, also, there's a new super awesome banner that should be showing up. This one is a little bit plainer than the previous - there's no outdoors style backdrop, just a gradient color fade, but I like the graf a lot, and I think it holds it's own pretty well.

LaterzZZzZ dudes.

Trying to get into the work zone on a Monday, sandwiched between the weekend and a holiday, always seems a bit unlikely. Nevertheless, that's what I have to do. Bay and I just got back from a great weekend up at Mt. Washington with Ben and Ashley - Ashley's parents own a condo up there, so accomodations were free, and the weekend basically entailed relaxing, drinking wine, going for walks, drinking beer, and hucking big giant rocks onto a frozen pond.

You see, a lot of people would read that, and think, "Golly. Hucking big giant rocks onto a frozen pond? That's sounds super awesome!". The thing is, these morons don't even know half the truth. Fact is, when the rocks would come down and hit the pond, it made this totally awesome PHAZER-like sound. Kind of like "Boocheeewewewe"! I'd say we spent at least an hour throwing rocks onto the pond. And we hadn't had anything to drink when we were doing that. Or maybe we had. I don't remember, because all I can think about is that awesome PHAZER sound. "Boocheweweeewew"!

There was no snow up there last weekend, but I think the trip definitely gave all of us a hankerin' for some snowboard ak-shun - Ben and Ashley especially, who brought out their snowboards and boots and started putting them on. Bay and I started to walk down the mountain and try and hitch-hike a ride home at that point, until Ben and Ash came and apologized and said they wouldn't do anything like that again ever.

The ride up wasn't particularly auspicious, as half-way up the mountain, the car started making a loud growling sound, kind of like a bear right before it's about to eat someone's head. So, we were like "What the hell? We don't want our head's eaten by a bear!". We all got out of the car to stretch and see what the hell was going on. Turns out, the tailpipe on the car was ready to fall off, so Ben went to pull it off, naturally burning himself. Ashley opened the trunk to get a rag to pull the pipe off without inflicting any more third degree burns on ourselves, and immediately, through no fault of her own, a bottle of wine leaped for freedom, exploding against the pavement. So, at this point in the weekend, our equivalent RPG characters would look like this:

Adayshleyen the ninja:

-1 Tailpipe of Silencing
-1 Wine Bottle of Courage
+1 Flower of Sneakiness

A grim situation indeed! All the same, we made it up, and after Bay and I regained our hearing (without the tailpipe, the bear eating head sound had been replaced by a jet engine sucking in a flock of seagulls sound) things went pretty well.

There was also a lunar eclipse this weekend, which looked really cool, but showed up looking like ass on my camera. In order to get anything to really show up, I needed a very long exposure, and I had forgotten my tripod at home, so I was mostly out of luck. I got some pretty nice pictures of the mountain and other stuffs anyhow, coming home with about 123 pictures on the memory card.

Oh, and, awesomest event of the entire weekend: I took out some money before going up, and without any planning on my part whatsoever, the remaining funds in that particular bank account were: $444.44!! Awesome. To the max! You can't see it right now, but I'm wailing on an air guitar, just to emphasize the awesomeness.

I'll be busting my ass (watching TV) to get a photo gallery set up, because 123 pictures is way too many to post in the main blog portion of this site. I'll throw a few up later on tonight to tide myself over, and the rest will go up once the gallery has been set up.

BOOOOCHEEEEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW!!!!

Have no fear, I shall do exactly that! Let's track down some beauty tips for all you ugly people out there, and see if I can turn that landfill you call your face into something less repulsive. Here we go - Cosmopolitan magazine never fails us!

Now, be forewarned, I think these tips may have been written with girls in mind, but I'm sure they'll work for all you ugly guys out there too.

You have only about five minutes to primp, but never fear -- Cosmo's crash course on how to get foxy at a feverish pace is here! We think that the alliteration we applied there using foxy and feverish is fun! Whether you have an impromptu date or you woke up too late, these sly moves will have you looking pretty pronto! Note again that we used some alliteration with pretty and pronto! Our article writer dropped out of high school english after learning only that one literary term, so that's all we have in our amazingly awesome articles! More alliteration! HORRAY!

You've spent the day shopping in frenzied department stores and you're running late for a date with your guy or some other p.m. appointment you want to look awesome for - perhaps some premiscuous sex with a stranger you met in the mall. We don't know, we're not judging. The problem: Your hair has fallen flat, your eye makeup has suffered a meltdown and since you've learned it's best to tote less when you holiday shop, the only thing you're packing is a lip gloss, a blow-dryer, a set of hot iron curlers, a parafin wax pedicure kit, and a hair stylist. Don't fret, uglor-- instead, check out these artful freshen-up strategies.

The pedicure kit and the hair stylist are a must, but are the hot iron curlers really necessary? If I break this down using economic principles (or some other equally intellectual sounding type of principle) I would surmise that I want my hair curly at most, 50% of the time, and that I want my hair straight the rest of the time. I think a better choice would definitely be a waffle iron, because I'm always in the mood for waffles.

Blot away oil-slicked skin.
If your face is shinier than the patent-leather pumps you just picked up, you should probably eat less potato chips. To remedy this problem, go into a department store, pick up some lingerie, and use it to dab away the grease on your face. Try not to get caught doing this. Put the lingerie back in the pile, but put it two beneath the top - this is the best place for it. Recent studies have shown that 90% of all lingerie found two down from the top have some form of face grease on them.

That's exactly why I always buy lingerie the third down from the top, no matter what the size is. I remember reading a study (it might have just been the TV guide I was reading) showing that people naturally don't like taking articles three down from the top. As a result, the lingerie third down from the top is fresh and clean.

Look for lotion
Hit the beauty floor of a department store and seek out the one product that can cover the most get-gorgeous ground: moisturizer. You can use this multitasker to smooth dry skin on your face, clean up old makeup and even calm frizzy hair. In a pinch, you can also use moisturizer as grease to silence squeeky hinges, as a sexual lubricant, and to bake an impromptu pie with. So pick a beauty counter selling skin-care items and steal four to five tubs of moisturizer. It's really the only product you'll ever need for anything ever.

Are they telling me to steal? I don't know how I feel about that. I wonder how moisturizer pie would taste.

Snag samples and do a speedy makeup job.
By snag, we mean steal. If people are watching you, distract them by going "Hey, what's that", and pointing behind them. People working at make-up counters regularly get their IQ made fun of by carrots, so this trick should work pretty well. Next, get to work using the cosmetic color testers to foxify your face. "Foxify - what an absolutely retarded term!", you say? Fine, be ugly, and go play with the other ugly people. If you want to get beautiful you better get over yourself and accept our hip cool writing style. Play up either your eyes or your lips using a bright or bold hue - fluorescent blue is a nice subtle color. Also, play up your legs by applying red lipstick to them, and accentuate your breasts by drawing red circles around them on your blouse -- emphasizing just one of your breasts is especially enticing.

I tell you, there's nothing hotter than a girl with nice long legs, coated in red lipstick.

Get blown off
This tip is for the guys.

Wow, Cosmopolitan is just getting less and less subtle these days.

Do something with your hair jerkface
You can revive limp long-past-their-prime locks with a blast of warm air from the ovens where they keep the roasted chicken, in grocery stores, says Chiccine, janitor for Safeway. If some of the chicken grease should drip into your hair, consider yourself lucky - it will revitalize your hair's essential oils. To give definition to frizzed-out curls, pour a bottle Vanilla Coke in your hair. Note: Do not use regular coke, it will melt away your hair.

That's true, I spilled some coke on my hair when I was eight years old, and to this day, I still have a bald spot there.

Plump up your pucker.
The paper towels in rest rooms are just rough enough to polish your pout perfectly. Fashion beauty consult Ronald Eggerstein says, "I bet you I can hold my breath for five minutes without passing out!". We accepted Ronald's bet, then pistol whipped him on the back of his head and took his wallet. Anyhow, first, wipe away any cakey leftover lipstick residue, then vigorously rub a towel over your lips to exfoliate dry, chapped skin and bring a natural, just-kissed flush to the surface. For the best effect, you really want to scrub those lips hard. If there's any steel wool around, you can use that instead of a towel for that sexy "Just fell off a motorbike" look that is very hot right now.

Wow, that's awesome, because I've been using the ol' steel wool trick for some time now. Anyhow, we're a third of the way done the article, so I thought I'd throw in some discussion questions, to keep everyone on their toes.

A) What is it about neon lipstick that is so appealing?
B) What is the largest number of steel wools you can get in a pack? Explain your answer.
C) What's the deal with those Christmas sweaters with reindeer and snowflakes on them? Discuss.
D) How is New England clam chowder different from Boston clam chowder. Explain in the form of a haiku.

PART TWO - You're ugly, but we can help

By the time you finally hear your alarm, you realize it's been buzzing for more than an hour, and that this is the fourth day in a row that this has happened. Maybe you should turn up the volume on your alarm. Now how the hell are you gonna pull it together enough to look bright-eyed and beautiful when you're nursing a school-night hangover and have to be at work ASAP? Don't panic. We have one word for you: Vaseline.

Wake up your complexion.
Give your tuckered-out skin a jolt with a splash of very cold water to bring color to your cheeks. Ladies, dry-shaving your day old beard growth will also really help bring out the rosy glow that lies deep within you. Dab some moisturizer (again, it's good for everything) on your cocktail-dehydrated epidermis. We like Chanel Precision Energizing Laser Optic Neural-net Radiance Wave Attack Lotion, $32.50, because they paid us to say that. Don't forget to fix red eyes by dumping some bleach in them. Slam back a cold one to kick things up a notch.

I like that last tip. I'm pretty sure you could sue your boss for some kind of discrimination if he got mad at your for drinking at work too. "He doesn't want me to be pretty because it means I'll get more sales". Toight.

Forget foundation.
The girls at the High Schools in Victoria, B.C. each wear about 6 quarts of this stuff daily, and there's just not enough foundation left to go around to the rest of the world. Instead, rub butter on your face, and apply concealer just where you need it -- over blemishes, under-eye circles and any red areas, rashes, boils, the wound you got in last night's knife fight, and even on pimples, says Sephora makeup artist Charlie Green. "My parents were pretty uncreative, so they just named me after Charlie Brown, changing my last name to Green", laughs Chuck, "I guess my path in life was pretty much chosen once they did that".

Ah Chuck. You go girl!

Work second-day makeup.
Slept-in eye makeup can look inexplicably great, says Nardaez, some stranger that approached us while we were trying to do an interview. Our security guards hauled his ass out of the way and bounced his head off some cars, so we hopefully won't hear any more assanine comments from him. However, if you were way too hammered to muster the motivation to clean your face before you crashed, go hang out with Nardaez, because he's the only person that isn't going to think you look like wang.

I often times go to sleep with Vaseline on my face, and when I wake up, I have this cool "melting face/toxic chemical accident victim" look thing going on. That's probably the same sort of thing Nards was talking about.

Put color in your cheeks.
You tend to look pasty after a night of revelry. You, specifically. So don't go out for nights of revelry at all. What is revelry anyhow? Discuss.

Create a stylishly sloppy mane.
Since you don't have time to shampoo, bathe or brush your teeth, Put hair in a ponytail, then pull it through again, stopping halfway, and leave some pieces hanging loose, says Chiccine, "The ponytail will help detract from the fact that your smell could drop a buffalo from fifty paces". "My name actually comes from a pasta. My real name is Jim, but I thought that once I got into this fashion shit, I should probably come up with a fancy name. I was undecided between Chiccine, Fabian, and Veladarcio. It was a tough moral battle, but I think we can all agree I made the right decision."

I have to admit, I do like the name Chiccine. I'm going to have to have a ton of kids to get all these names I want out into the world. I guess I could just combine them: Zuchiccine Juggy von Jughovavichvoonanaaaa

A few more discussion questions before we begin part three!

A) What sort of pasta is Chiccine?
B) Do you traditionally serve it with a meat sauce, or a cream sauce?
C) Go Canucks!

PART THREE - Damn. You UGLY, girl

The only date you have planned for the night is with your remote control until your coworker springs a last-minute invite to a hottie-filled happening. There's no time to go home and primp, so what's a girl -- whose morning makeup is all but a memory -- to do? Try this advice to go from rundown to ravishing.

Seriously, who talks like this? I've already joked about it twice, but how many alliterations do they need to pack into these shitty articles to get the point across? Okay, we understand you have MASTERED the art of cramming an assload of similar sounding words close together. Quit sticking it down my throat. "Hey Buck, you wanna head to my home for a hottie-filled happening that is hilariously and hopelessly off the hook?"

Switch your style.
Revive a tired workday do with a quick coif change. Depending on how many coif's you own, this can be easy or difficult. One of our editors was playing Ultima Online the other day, and he told us that he had two mail coifs, and at least four leather ones. If your hair's been up all day, a good chain mail coif will really look sharp. But if you've worn your locks down all day and they're looking a bit bedraggled, try a leather coif. If you're really feeling daring, ditch the rest of your clothing, and wear nothing but the coif, and a smile. If you don't have a coif, try a plastic bag.

I don't know how safe that suggestion is..

Darken your lids.
You can make your regular daytime eye shadow look sultry and nighttime trendy by going over it with a Jiffy marker. "Not bathing is shexy!", shouts Naraez from the parking lot.

Take a utensil to your lashes.
Curled lashes make eyes look big and bright, but who carries a curler around? No need to! A metal spoon, fork, knife, corkscrew, spatula, or salt shaker from the office break room can fill in. Hold it against your desk lamp to warm it, then use it to mug some passer-by for their eyelash curler! It's so easy, we can't believe you didn't think it up in the first place, dipstick.

That's a good beauty tip. That's another reason to go out and buy a gun. Because you never know, when you're going to be outside at night, cold and in the dark.. And all of a sudden you're going to start needing some money.

Shine, shine, shine.
If there's one bit of beauty loot you should make a permanent place for in your desk drawer, it's the makeup cannon XLR2004, with optional eye shadow spray and nighttime scope. With this unit, you can apply makeup to your face, body, clothes, and any coworker standing within a forty-five foot radius of you.

That cannon does sound pretty awesome. I would buy that even if I didn't need to apply makeup in a hurry. I'd be all like "Hey Vince Bergers! Remember how you were a total dick in junior high? MAKEUP ATTACK BLAST!". I'd probably throw in a piledriver for good measure.

Erase your face.
If you are still recovering from the huge bag of drugs you ripped through last night, take an eraser to your face. "Erasers smell good", says Nardaez.

Highlight your pout...literally
Desperate times call for desperate measures. On those occasions when you find yourself stuck without lipstick and craving some color, dot a nontoxic pink highlighter over your lips and lightly rub them together before the color sets. Yes, a Cosmo editor has actually done this and it looks good -- like a pink popsicle stain. We swear! For that matter, industrial paint works really good too. If you use a bright shade of red, it looks like you've been drinking blood! Vampires are sexy.

Plus paint tastes and smells fantastic. Sadly enough, that last beauty tip is pretty close to what they actually put. Everything from We swear! upwards, is actually part of the Cosmo beauty tip. Can you imagine someone putting highlighter on their lips, in the false hope that Cosmo has hit upon a good idea? Yoikz!

I slept over at Bay's last night, and as I was driving home this morning, I saw the most beautiful shot of the sun rising up over the water at Willow's beach. Naturally this was one of the few times I had neglected to bring my camera (recharging buttelies), so I was out of luck. But next time, it's going to be sweet.

I was just thinking about how last Christmas, Graham, Mich and I had all started going to Chapters to hang out, read, and study in the Starbucks they have there. At the time, it seemed pretty trivial, but looking back, even only a year after the fact, it strikes me as something that I will look back upon fondly for a very long time. Just one of those things I guess where you don't realize how nice something is until it's over. Not like I'm revealing any deep thought here, this is a pretty cliche notion, but nevertheless, it's there, and yah..

Apparently James (my co-worker) downloaded a new game that's like Civilization, so his plan is to install it on our machine that is hooked up to the LCD projector and see how that bad boy works out. You go hardworkers!

Well.. I'm at work, the morning after seeing Matrix Revolutions. I have to say, the movie was definitely not what I expected. I'm not sure whether or not that is a good thing or a bad thing. It's going to take me a little while, and probably one more viewing, before I can fully figure out how I feel about this movie.

Enough of that for now, let's see what has happened within the last 24 hours. Ahhh! Wicked. David Blaine, AKA Jesus, has had his first live interview since his "sit in a box for a long time" magic trick. How that is magic, I'm not really sure, but let's see what is being said here.

In his first live television interview since his starvation stunt ended, he told CNN's Larry King that he understands why some people reacted negatively to his feat. "It's because they're jealous of how I look, and that all their girlfriends hit on me and want to get with me. They don't know me. They don't know me. Y'all don't know me!!!" shouts Blaine, getting up from his seat and gesticulating wildly.

I thought David Copperfield was the one that got all the babes... no?

"For a lot of people it's boring," Blaine said. "It's a guy sitting in a box. Which is actually quite hilarious, because it really is just a guy sitting in a box. But it's maaaaaaaaaaaaagic", claimed Blaine, waving his arms around and trying to distract us with a shiny bead. King interupted, "Blaine, just because you say it's magic and wave your arms around doesn't make it mag - HEY, is that a shiny bead?"

I love a good shiny bead. But seriously, starving yourself for 45 days would definitely be tough, but does that qualify as magic? What about shooting myself and not getting surgery done for some arbitrary length of time. Am I a magician now? Or was Blaine even trying to do magic?

Blaine completed his 44-day starvation stunt October 19 and immediately went to Wendy's for a hearty bowl of chili. After that, he went to a private hospital for care, where the acting surgeon immediately sawed off one of Blaine's legs. "What are you doing?", Blaine asked. "Don't you have gangrene?", "No, I've starved myself for 44 days. Now I'm in need of refeeding". "Oh. Well now you have a pegleg too!" During the performance Blaine drank only water for sustenance and ate AppleSauce energy bars, the only bars with the power of AppleSausicity!.

"The dangerous part isn't the starving part," he said, "it's the mean things everyone was shouting at me. One guy called me David's a PAINE, mocking my last name. And, I mean, that's not very nice. I try very hard not to be a pain to everyone. And I speak in soft low tones so that I come off non-threatening. I would really like to find that guy and ask him to apologize to me". "The refeeding is also dangerous, and starving yourself for 45 days will do horrible things to your hair", as can be seen below:

Good GOD man! Now you know Survivor is fixed, because no one on that show has ever had hair that looked that bad, except for that dirty hippie named Heidi, and her's looked that way from the start. She was the vegetarian who would whine and complain whenever the tribe was about to eat meat. I think they should have draped the chicken skin all over while she was asleep as a fun "shut the hell up or we're going to eat you" kind of prank.
His first bite of food, he said, was a handful of potato chips leftover from a friend's visit several days after emerging from the box.

Skeptics have suggested Blaine was being given more than water and may even have received nutrition from a coating on his box, from John Ritter's ghost, or from space aliens. But Blaine's team said the stunt was genuine, which immediately disproved any doubt. "If the team says the stunt was genuine, that's all we need to hear", said the crowd of bystanders, in unison.

Blaine reiterated Wednesday that his feat was not an illusion, which came as a total shock to everyone, since magicians are normally the first people to admit that what they're doing isn't really magic. He described it as an "endurance performance. You know how in Rocky 4, Rocky Balboa is getting his face smashed in by Ivan Drago, who has like a 1300 lb punch, yet he comes back, and he wins in the end? Well, I like that part."

I like that part too! Maybe I should become a magician!

He said all of the staff required for the performance were hired by two guys in trenchcoats and no one signed a confidentiality agreement, although they were all forced to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. "These days, you just can't be too safe", says Blaine, who claims his next stunt will be too live at the bottom of the ocean for six years without any equipment.

I totally agree with the notion of getting pre-nuptials. These days, you never know who is going to divorce you.

Because of the skepticism, Blaine said he can understand that people found the feat unusual. And if he came across someone performing the same stunt, he said he would react the way many Londoners did.

"Number one, I would have a tough time believing it," he said. "If I was in a bad mood, I'd throw an egg at him - that's how I deal with most of my problems".

My therapist said I should always have a six pack of eggs on me, so that if I ever run into difficult times, or see a nerd on the same TV show as me, I can just whip an egg at them. Go suck an egg loser.

The stunt captivated Londoners, with huge crowds gathering every day at Tower Bridge. "Golly! Is that a guy in a box doing nothing? Now I've seen everything", exclaimed one onlooker.

"The worst were those that felt compelled to stand there and smile at me. Londoners have teeth that look a lot like the way I would imagine a horse's teeth would look after it got bombarded with cosmic radiation." "This gay parade came and they threw sausages," Blaine told King while they both stood in his box. "It sure smells like pee in here", commented King.

I was wondering how he would do the bathroom thing. I guess we know now.

Blaine admitted he was a little surprised by the heckling but said to keep his mind occupied he focused on "the good things - mincemeat pies, Shaq, the feel of sheer stockings against my legs. You know, pretty standard stuff. Hey, what's Shaq up to these days?"

In the final week, taunts were largely replaced by pictures of Bill Clinton giving the thumbs up. In a recent international survey that must be true, pictures of Bill Clinton giving the thumbs up have shown to be one of the most universally pleasing symbols. "Even nuns seem to like it, and they're normally all stern and bitchy", states one of the people involved in the survey. We'll call him Ronald Bartocomus.

Alright, the article just trails off there, talking about how Blaine has also done some other stunts that don't really seem like magic. I don't know, maybe he isn't even pushing it as magic, and that's fine, but it seems like a weird stunt to just do. Then again, most stunts seem like that - I've never had the desire to jump over 54 buses on my motorbike.

I think it's pretty obvious why these sort of things get done though - girls. David Blaine obviously feels lonely, and this is the best way he can think of to attract women. You saw it yourself, plenty of breasts and buttock were bared, and with a wang/buttock ratio of 1:10, that's pretty good I don't know how that hair fits into his master plan though.

Tomorrow, Ben, Ashley, Bay and I embark on an epic journey up to Mt. Washington, currently barren of snow (well, there might be a little bit). I think the general plan is hang out, probably eat junk food, drink wine, and watch movies and go on walks. Sounds like a pretty good time, I enjoy all of those things, except for the fact that they have no DVD player, and watching movies in VHS format is almost sacriligious. Maybe I'll even get some nice pictures of stuff.

By the way, I'm still taking applications to be in the Velcro Gang, so far we have Velcron the Velcronator, and The Velcro Fonz. I still think that Ham/Velcro combo name would be something really fearsome.

I just saw the most awesome (retarded) ad for these horribly lame carol singing snowmen. This dense woman and her husband are sitting on their couch, with some guests over, and the advertisement transpires a little something like this:

[Everyone is sitting around]
[Moron lady reaches over and starts the snowmen]
[Snowmen start singing]
[Family erupts into laughter, wetting themselves, and offering moron lady thousands of dollars for the snowmen]
[I break in through the wall and force feed them all cyanide]

Anyhow, that commercial was a great little prelude to Matrix Revolutions. According to most of my friends, and many of the reviews I've glanced at briefly, I'm in for a dissapointment. I don't care. If nothing else, I can appreciate the intellectual parts of the movie, and the atmosphere that the movies are set in, and yes even the gratuitous special effects; they don't make a movie, but I still appreciate them.

I see that DaveyB has pretty much let his blog updates slip down to once a week, which is generally a prelude to updates ending completely. Hopefully, I can keep up the rigorous schedule of copying 99% of my material from some other website and inserting snide comments in between it.

Little bit of contrast to end the post:

Evil Mug

Good Mug

Yes. That's the thought-evoking question I'm looking into today. ARE lasers legitimized through old people? Write in and tell me.

Onwards! We all do it, all the time, everywhere. Online cyber-sex. Everyone I know probably has cyber-sex at least eight times a day. But is it okay to do that? That's what we'll be exploring today. Let's have a look and see what MSNBC (motto: No one reads us, so we can write whatever the hell we like)

Online infidelity — married people creating intimate relationships through chatting online — is a growing phenomenon, in part because many who participate in virtual dalliances don’t regard it as cheating, experts say. When asked about this phenomenon, the two most common responses were "Dalliance? I used to own one of those. Good car. Mine was blue", and "Why is your hand in your pants?" Clearly these people were holding out, and we needed to get deeper to the root of this problem.

I took an interview class, and they told us that one of the most effective ways to get a candid interview was the "hand down pants, firmly rooted to crotch" technique. Also, if you search online for "crotch grab interview technique", you get about a hojillion porn sites returned, so it must be true.

“THERE IS GREAT debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection. Of course, we're not going to site the study. We didn't even really see it. Beatriz just said "I did a study on married people". For all we know, he could have just kidnapped some married people and poked them with a stick for a few weeks. "It gives people a license to be sexual with strangers while still maintaining their vows — at least they think they’re maintaining their marital vows," Mileham said, "of course, they've obviously forgotten about the part of their marriage vows that say "through sickness and health, richer or poor, I shall not service myself whilst engaged in virtual online dalliance, nor shall I talk to any strangers". "Dang it, these people don't even realize what they're doing to their spouses. I mean, does my wife think I don't mind at all that she's telling another stranger she's using the trapeze technique on him? I taught her that trick. Without me, she'd be nothing. She'd still be doing that double knuckle garbage". At this point, a vein in Mileham's forehead was reaching breaking point, so we thought it best to leave.

I wish I had one of those veins. I think it really adds to your intimidation by at least four points (+4 Vein of Intimidation).

You can find all kinds of people at any time of the day logged into “married and flirting” chat rooms. By all kinds of people, we mean males between the ages of 13 and 13. Here is a typical conversation:

As we can see, this is a tempting situation for any of us, and we must take care to avoid being drawn in to this whirlpool of lust.

SuperHotSexyMama9937 was a 13 year old guy? Aw man...

In a joint investigation, NBC11 and MSNBC.com examined online infidelity by searching for it on Google and reading the first result that came up. We think it was about getting money from some guy in Nigeria or something like that. Anyhow, we found it to be a quietly booming Internet niche. On one recent morning, for instance, 1,006 people were logged into a “married and flirting” chat room. We chose 1,006 because that seems less-fake than a square 1,000. Our statistician told us that 1,006 people, out of the millions that live in North America, is apparently representative of a "booming" niche. Our maintenance guy, Buddy, worked out on his notepad that 1,000 people represents roughly 0.000000412% of the people in North America, so we fired our statistician. None of us really liked him anyhow. He wouldn't participate in birthday parties around the office.

Do you like Brocoli?

Most people use screen names in order to remain anonymous, but many also post pictures, including photos taken with their kids.

Classy.

Mileham said some think that it is not cheating because there is no physical contact with that person. "The number one justification is: 'I'm not touching anybody,'" she said, "Besides, it's not like my deadbeat husband isn't out getting some anyway. At least all I'm doing is pretending the 13 year old I'm talking to looks like Abraham Lincoln. Gosh, he's so dreamy.

I was thinking of getting myself one of those stovepipe hats, a la Honest Abe. You know, steam it up a little, as it were.

IT CAN BREAK MARRIAGES

"It can break marriages actually. I found a source that said one-third of divorce litigation is due to online affairs. ... It starts as innocently as ‘how are you?’ and escalates from there," Mileham said. "Sometimes it can also start with "Sup G?" and "9 inches baby. Let's play".

I found a source that told me that I would become rich if I stared at the sun for long enough. Let's all assume that's true too!

Mileham showed NBC11 and MSNBC.com that it doesn’t take long to find a partner and for the conversation to quickly turn sexual. Within minutes, anyone who’s bored with their marriage, or just curious, can find themselves intimately involved with a complete stranger, or engaged in a phaser battle atop an intergalatic battle ship. Any number of crazy and wonderful things can happen in the virtual playground of the internet!

One man (Johnathan Dolmici Mexidando) who didn’t want his name (Johnathan Dolmici Mexidando) used because he was concerned his real-life girlfriend would see this story said he (he meaning Johnathan Dolmici Mexidando) is currently involved in several virtual affairs with married women. We let him know that he needn't worry, since no one reads these articles anyhow. He simply fills “an emotional deficit” in women’s marriages, he said. Their husbands have no idea he exists. "I consider myself sort of like a sexual ninja. I'm in, I'm out, and I leave no trace of my sneaky ninja path." For those that didn't get it, his name is Jonathan Dolmici Mexidando.

Sexual Ninja! That's next years halloween costume.

Big-name Internet companies don’t care whether it’s cheating or not, because the more people looking for love means more eyeballs for online advertisers. "That's bullshit," shout many of the people we interviewed, "Big-name internet companies should take responsibility for my infidelity and lack of faithfulness to my spouse. What the hell. How on earth am I meant to get by if someone doesn't hold my hand through life? Geeeeeeeeeeeez.

I couldn't agree more. Let's blame some stuff on the government too.

But spouses who discover a loved one engaged in such behavior are nowhere near as ambivalent. A typical conversation goes like this, "Shit, you're kidding me? You're SexyHugeSchmeebs12454? Damn. I thought I was having cyber-sex with someone exciting. This sucks. You wanna go to Arby's or something?".

Mileham adds, "My name is actually derived from the words 'Mile' and 'Ham'. My family used to be hammakers in Holland many years ago, and they patented the idea of the mile-long ham. A ham, so long, that even thinking about eating it all would render a person sick."

If I was her, I'd change my name to Milqueham or something classy like that. You just can't go wrong with a name/adjective/verb that is the combination of the word Milque, and a food product. You guys asked for it (I don't care if you did or didn't), so let's bust out a definition for Milque:

Milquetoasty adj.

Word History: An indication of the effect on the English language of popular culture is the adoption of names from the comic strips as English words. Casper Milquetoast, created by Harold Webster in 1924, also author of the dictionary, perhaps, was a timid and retiring man named for a timid food. Casper was boring as shit, and the comic lasted for two newspapers. The first instance of milquetoast as a common word is found in the mid-1930s, when famous frenchman, Pierre de la Rue de la Carte de Bung, used it in a sentence intending to say "I would like some milk and toast". However, Pierre (or PdlRdlCdB as he liked to be called) had a french accent, and so when people heard him say that, they just assumed that he was asking for some toast to scratch his back with. Since then, people have dropped the toast suffix, and used the word Milque as a way to describe any object that you wish to scratch your back with. Requesting a Milquepork is quite common in certain rural parts of France, as pork can be cooked to achieve a scratchy surface, perfect for scratching the back of a horse, or yourself. If we look to a related form of popular culture, the animated cartoon, we must of course acknowledge Mickey Mouse, who wears pants that warrant him a severe ass-kicking, and is totally wimpy.

Well, I feel much better educated after reading that.

Not too much happening right now otherwise, though according to Ben, there's going to be a full lunar eclipse this Saturday from 5:06 to 5:33. The moon will be partially eclipsed from 4:42 to 7:04pm. For those of you that don't know, a lunar eclipse is when the moon is eclipsed by the earth. The earth ends up between the sun and the moon, and so the moon will appear an orangey-red sort of color (since instead of the full rays of the sun reflecting off of it, only the darker corona will get to it). I think I said that right.

Might have some pictures of that up on Sunday, depending on how things go. Today is the commencement of the cinevisual feast that is called Matrix Revolutions. Now, some of you are wary of the third installment of the Matrix, and I have just one thought for you: CROTCH CHOP.

There might be more pictures tonight, I don't know. I really have no control over that aspect of me, because picture Adam is very different from normal Adam. I know there's been a lot of macro shots going up lately, but I like them a lot, and they're easy to set up and take. If you don't like it, I suggest you read up a paragraph to where I typed a thought for the people that are wary of the Matrix's third installment - that thought might also apply to you.

How about an evening picture update? Deal!

I took this picture when Bay was talking to some lady she knew. They talked for a long time ;)

This picture is from Francis King park. Bay is demonstrating the correct way to do Yoga.

Later on that evening, Dad took the opportunity to act like he always does.

Secret passage

The moon, acting all cool n' stuff.

That's about it for tonight..