February 2004 Archives

When I first saw the title of my blog entry for today, I thought, that's so stupid, I shower a ton. But then I started thinking. Really deep thinking. Like, not the type of thinking where you're trying to look smart so that girl on the bus pays attention to you because you overheard her telling her friend that she likes the intellectual types like Jim from Average Joe Hawaii. No, I'm talking about the sort of thinking where you have epiphanies, and dipthongs, and a whole bunch of other cool stuff. Anyhow.. back to water. It has recently come to my attention that a lot of you aren't drinking enough water. This dissapoints me to my very core, and makes me feel the way Ron Hubbard probably does when he meets someone that doesn't believe in Scientology, the obviously true meaning of our existence.

So, I've compiled some very important information related to hydrating yourself, care of MSN.

A fluid approach:What does 8 cups of water a day do for your digestive system?

It's a habit she's had for as long as she can remember, religiously drinkin' and peein' to no end. "My parents used to think that I had a problem when I was growing up because all I ever wanted to do was drink water. Now I buy porn for a living. What a crazy world!" Following the adage that drinking at least eight cups of water a day is good for your health, Kerri feels that she is incredibly healthy. We put her in the ring for a few rounds with Ivan Dragon to test that fact, and his 2000 lbs per square inch punch destroyed her. After the match, a construction company hired him to use that force to punch down a couple of buildings.

Okay, so it seems pretty obvious that Ivan Drago's health secret is the better way to go..

We decided to ask Ivan Drago what his secret was instead. "Steroids, tasty steroids!" Ivan screamed, while shaving his forehead. "If I don't get enough, I feel like I'm depriving myself of something vital that I really need." We thought that was pretty cute. "We heard that steroids can decrease the size of a man's flower though Ivan. Any thoughts on that?" we asked. Ivan shot back, "I use Alzare to increase the size of my man-region by twenty-five percent, as well as to increase sexual pleasure. On top of all that, I'm going out with international model/actresses that like me because I use Alzare!".

And Alzare comes with a money back guarantee, so you're obviously a super huge moron if you don't run out and buy a couple boxes of the stuff right now.

We asked Leslie Bonci, a registered dietician and author of some book what she thought about water. "If you don't drink water all the time, you might die. Every organ in the body needs water, except the duodenum, which will become evil if you give it water."

Ahh, like a mogwai!

Keeping the GI tract in fine working order

And one solution to constipation - using a large stick - has recently lost a lot of popularity. Medical teams are now looking towards less direct ways to lower the number of constipation victims each year. Eating a diet rich in fiber, which can be found in fruits, vegetables and whole grain is an old wives tale, and actually doesn't affect your level of constipation at all. "The best way to decrease your constipation is to work-out your ravuloid, which will in turn produce more tiny lasers, and diffuse more water. The more water diffused, the less constipated you will feel." says Ronald Moldoon, a guy that I shared a taxi with to work.

I've used the large stick method to solve problems of constipation for many of my friends, and I'd definitely have to agree that it's a bit too much of a brute-force tactic for my liking.

Water may also play a role in fighting crime. We don't have any evidence of that, so we're not totally sure. But it could. "If you're drinking enough fluids, you're peeing more, and that makes it harder to steal stuff." states Gus Riley, a Subway employee.

Mark Glen, the guy that walks my dogs, prefers to recommend anywhere from a glass of water, to six pitchers, depending on how he's feeling. "If they irritate me, I usually give them pretty bad advice, like "don't drink water, drink tar!" I thank him for his input and give him a two dollar tip (I don't want him to start giving my dogs tar to drink)

The part I like the most here is that we start to get a feel for the people involved in the author's life. This really brings the article together, and makes it feel more "real" and "gritty".

Experts also say it doesn't matter if all those cups are filled with water. Dirt is fine, or acid, or even a chocolate bar. "As long as you are consuming eight cups of something, it's fine," beams Lando McGrilliam, a homeless guy I dumped coffee on while going to work, "although I wouldn't recommend goat urine." Alcohol, however, is another story; although technically a liquid, it also tastes delicious and makes you drunk, which is cool.

I would never pour coffee on someone, because that's a waste of coffee.

Signs of dehydration

To stay fully hydrated, I suggest not doing ecstasy when you're at work. If you find you haven't been drinking enough based on what experts recommend, get some new experts. The point is that you are your own boss, and you don't need to listen to what those corporate bigwigs have to say. You'll know you've had enough to drink if your urine is clear or pale yellow.

I've found that co-workers really appreciate it if you can help let them know if they've had enough to drink as well using the same technique.

An easy way to make sure you're drinking enough water is to count how many times you pee a day, and then set a goal for yourself that is about four more sessions above that. Make it a game with yourself and try to become the pee champion in your house. Feel free to brag to friends about how often you go pee!.

So take care of yourself people. Follow these really simple steps, if I provided any, and you'll be on your way to super healthiness in no time.

Ha! I'm back, and critics said that it couldn't be done. More than one update in a week? IMPOSSIBLE! Well, I showed all those bitch-asses who's the boss.

Anyhow, from the title, you can obviously deduce what it is that I'm going to write about - Justin Timberlake becoming the next big LL Cool J. What am I talking about? Well, I'll start by telling you what I'm not talking about: The whole Janet Jackson wardrobe mishap. I don't care if Janet Jackson's boobs look gross. I don't care if Justin Timberlake conspired with the Illuminati to pull off the gig, and I don't care if he was hired by Saddam Hussein as part of some weird terrorist attack. By the way, just as an aside, I overheard some people in the pub on Sunday talking about Saddam and his WMDs, and going off about how he just hid the nuclear stuff. Here's the thing I hate though - they were pronouncing it "Nu-CU-ler". If you're ever inclined to do this, stick a pencil up your nose until you hit brain, and hopefully you'll forget the whole conversation. It's pronounced NEW-CLEAR. There's no extra U in there.

Anyhow, what is involved in becoming the next LL Cool J? Well, here's what LL Cool J has accomplished: he's written an awful lot of shitty songs, and he's appeared in an awful lot of shitty movies, as well as the hit TV show, "In the House", alongside superstar actress/all-around tremendous human being Kim Wayans (prophesized by many to be the harbinger of the third apocalypse).

Is Timberlake really up for this monumental task? Well, here's what I found:

After adding the title of Grammy winner to his resume, Justin Timberlake is going after another: really bad B-movie star.

Timberlake will star with Kevin Spacey, Morgan Freeman and LL Cool J in "Edison." Shooting is to begin March 8 in Vancouver, British Columbia, with the film scheduled for release next year. David J. Burke of "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" will make his feature writing and directing debut.

Morgan Freeman appeared in Bruce Almighty, so we know that he's already been tainted with ass, but I'm a little dissapointed in someone that I like as much as an actor as Kevin Spacey. Perhaps there's nothing certain in this world - one minute you can be at the top of your game, and the next minute you can be appearing in Battlefield Earth.

"After many years of looking at many scripts, he's decided on what we've told him is a good project," Timberlake's publicist, Ken Sunshine (proud owner of the lamest name ever award), told The Associated Press Tuesday, "We basically said, 'Hey Justin, we're just going to reprogram your circuitry so that you think this is a good script to do, sound good?' He was about to say no, we think, but we just hit him in the throat with a pipe and that put an end to that line of independant thought. Strangely, the fans at his last couple of concerts have said that they've never heard him sound better."

If you take that line of reasoning a couple of steps further, we should be able to get Justin to speak and act pretty intelligently by hitting him in the head with a pipe a number of times. I got dibs on the first couple of shots.

"You can judge by the smell of ass emanating from the script that this is a movie destined to be made with both LL Cool J and Justin Timberlake. Justin hopes that he too can one day appear in blockbusters like Deep Blue Sea (hailed by critics as "the resurgence of the bubonic plague"), and if all things go as planned, eventually to star in his own sitcom where he'll play a burly, intelligent, witty yet sensitive trainer alongside someone with as much personality as Kim Wayans (also known as The Black Peewee Herman).

I don't know about that, Peewee Herman is way the hell better looking than Kim Wayans, and even if he did get caught slapping a fat shitty in a porn theatre, I'd still trust him around my kids before I would Kim Wayans.

The 'N Sync singer will play a young journalist who discovers an elite team of corrupt police. "This type of movie is commonly referred to as Standard Formula Movie #3, ranking just behind Black-guy/White-guy movies and Guy meets girl, guy hates girl, guy falls in love with girl, guy overcomes obstacle and gets girl romantic comedies," John McGrotty stated. In a candid interview with John McGrotty, we got a chance to ask "Who the hell are you?" to which he replied "The alpha and the omega". We thought that was a total trip. Freeman plays the veteran reporter who helps him - a totally new, original, and not-at-all typical role for Freeman. Spacey plays the wise-cracking, cigar-smoking district attorney's top investigator, who has a pet pig that he takes with him everywhere and provides the comic-relief for the movie, along with Justin Timberlake's facial hair.

Okay, now, what IS the detail with Timberlake's hair? When he first started out with N-sync, he had the pubes on top of his head. Now he's got them growing on his chin as well. Does he have some sort of disorder? I know I can't grow facial hair either, but I don't feel the need to prove that to the world every time I go outside of my house.

When asked whether sharing the screen with such formidable company will intimidate Timberlake, Sunshine said, "Justin's 22. That means he's old enough to have consentual sex with another man". We weren't really sure what to think about that, so we went and asked McGrotty what he thought about things, who exclaimed "I'm a snowflake!"

When we asked Timberlake what it would be like sharing the screen with LL Cool J, he said "It's cool, I bought a red bandana to wear when I'm around LL Cool J, and I've spent four years mastering the correct gang signs, so I think I should be alright"

Haha, funny story, when I was in the Bay either in Vancouver or here (I can't remember which), they had mannequins set up wearing a white shirt, jeans (tapered) with blue bandana's tied around the legs. What the hell! When did the Bay become a Crips (Crypts?) sponsored company? Crazy!

On Sunday night, Timberlake won Grammys for male pop vocal performance for "Cry Me a River", a song he wrote for Britney Spears. During his acceptance speech, he talked about how "totally sweet" it was to display Janet Jackson's "schmeeb".

Seriously though guys... he's got pubic hair growing on his face! That aside, I can't wait to get out there and pay the very reasonable price of ten dollars and my soul to see this latest festering pile of wang from Hollywood. The thing I hate about movies like this are that even if they don't bother providing any kind of plot (highly likely in this case) they're still going to murder at the box-office because of the fact that tons of people will go to see Justin Timberlake . Alongside those people, another ton of people are going to and see Kevin Spacey and Morgan Freeman. It's like that movie, THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT which really had a totally ridiculous plot, and Ashton Kutcher playing a role that was even less suited to him than a role in Dude Where's my Car would be for Kevin Costner. IT doesn't matter though, it hauled some supreme ass at the box-office, thanks to the fact that Ashton Kutcher is the latest over-exposed celebrity around Hollywood. Oh well, at least it gives us a break from Bennifer.

AWESOME. I started out today finding a pretty hilarious article on the Herald Sun to write about, but then suddently noticed that someone had written a comment in my blog about my article on Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton. Horray! It seems that Claudia doesn't agree with the completely factual and heartfelt article that I wrote about Paris and Nicole! Not only that, but she made some comments about the fact that I spend hours sitting on my keyboard writing bitchy comments about celebrities!

A lot of you probably think that Claudia is mentally retarded. I'll admit, I did too, at first, especially after reading through some of the creative choices she made with her spelling. However, it got me thinking. Am I too bitter? Am I spending too many hours of my life, sitting here and writing bitchy articles? Could this comment, instead of just being the ramblings from some teenager who likely has her wall plastered with posters of Josh Hartnett, actually be a comment from GOD? Is God telling me to get my shit together and start flying straight? It could be. Just to make sure, I'm going to review Claudia's comment here, and if God writes me back again, I'll know it's the real deal. I hope he does write back, because I've got some really good questions to ask him.

Hi...ok after reading so many comments about Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, I've only felt compelled somehow to post a comment towards your "enriching" article.

Apparently Claudia is as surprised as I am that she's able to figure out how to use the internet and actually post a comment, stating I've only felt compelled somehow to post a comment.... Claudia has put quotes around the word enriching to help indicate to us that she's clearly the type of asshole that does a lot of air-quotes when talking to people.

I feel I have to strongy disagree with you about Nicole for several reasons. First of all, consider this..did Nicole have to go to hicksville and stay in a little cramp bedroom and share a bathroom with 7 strangers?? NO! How many snobs and people of the upper class dare to experiance the same thing as Nicole and Paris??

Did Nicole HAVE to water down the milk of the farmer that was kind enough to offer these two cheese-heads a job? Did Nicole and Paris HAVE to take his credit card and buy a bunch of stuff? HELL NO SISTER, and this is precisely what makes Paris and Nicole the beautiful people that they are. Thank you for pointing that out Claudia. How many celebrities are there out there that DARE TO EXPERIANCE the same kind of thrill that comes from cheating and stealing from innocent people that have done nothing other than offer your their accomodation and hospitality? Well, Winona Rider for one - you can all expect Claudia to write us another essay about how Winona is a wonderful person inside, when she isn't eating babies.

You might argue that they did it just for fame/publicity/money/etc but do they really need any that? Ok maybe Nicole isn't as wealthy and in the spotlight as Paris but she still didn't have to become involved in this project under any terms. If Nicole and Paris were truly snobs, they would disregard everyone and everything around them, stick their noses in the air, appear extremely fake, and even try to conceal their spoiled tendancies because god forbid real snobs would never show their flaws to the world. That is the true meaning of snob b/c guess what honey, after being surrounded by snobs my whole life I know the TRUE meaning of a snob. Snobs are BORING, STUCK UP, MEAN, AND SELFISH.

God forbid honey that people like the Oxford English Dictionary should come up for a definition of snob without first consulting you! According to my reference, the definition of snob is more along the lines of:

1. One who tends to patronize, rebuff, or ignore people regarded as social inferiors and imitate, admire, or seek association with people regarded as social superiors.
2. One who affects an offensive air of self-satisfied superiority in matters of taste or intellect.

Personally, I would STRONGY DISAGREE with your definition of snob and say that a snob is more likely to be someone that is completely caught up on themselves, think themselves better than other people, and are ignorant of their own flaws, thus making it unlikely that they would be hiding them.

All the same, you're totally right: If Nicole and Paris were truly snobs, they would disregard everyone and everything around them, stick their noses in the air, appear extremely fake. Oh wait, no you're not, I meant to say that you obviously got hit in the head with a stick a bunch of times when you were writing this comment. Nicole and Paris did precisely what you just described as actions attributable to total snobs. In case you're having trouble following along (ha, I made a joke, because I said in case, as if there's any likelihood that you're still keeping up here. Awesome. Anyhow..), Paris and Hilton, or Beebop and Rocksteady as I prefer to call them, totally disregard everyone and everything (not caring one bit that they could be costing a farmer his business, are screwing over his customers, are taking advantage of the people offering them hospitality, don't care that they could be breaking up relationships, ruined a nice pool table because Rocksteady lost her ugly Armani wallet, etc.). As for appearing extremely fake, there's really not much I can say about that, except fuck you to your mother for procreating.

I'm sorry but I don't think this applies to Nicole and Paris at all.

I'm sorry but I think I just ate a carrot that displayed IQ greater than yours, and it even liked watching Nascar racing!

They were able to make the show exciting, worked each situation to its entertainment potential, been involed, and most of all have a great sense of humour which I'm sorry to say most people in this world lack including you.

Yes, after all, I'm the one getting bent out of shape, writing a novel-length comment disagreeing with an entry on a personal website that is obviously satire.

It may not be an educating enriching experiance but this show isn't targeted for rocket scientists. Nicole and Paris are both sensibily smart girls, they know their image is an important part of their appeal and potential careers so they have to play up for it.

Ah, by play up to it you must mean "be total bitches and thieves, and not care at all about the consequences of their actions".

They cant act like somebody who spends their fingers glued to the keyboard writing bitchy articles about celebrities (if I need to fill you in, I'm referring to you).

If I need to fill you in, I just finished going to the bathroom and was able to deduce more sense from what was sitting in the bowl than from your comment.

Even so, they don't have jealousy or meaness as part of their character. With all the money they have they can dress waspy or in chanel suits and appear to have big sticks up their ass as most snobs do, but instead they know they're fun, young, cute enough to wear whatever that makes them happy. Anyone can buy class, but nobody can buy a sense of humour which I think is one of the rarest assests to have.

Oh no, hey, totally, I thought it was the best joke in the world when they stayed in the house, avoiding the man that they had swindled out of money. YOU CAN'T BUY A SENSE OF HUMOUR LIKE THAT.

You can aquire intelligence through reading and studying

You're totally wrong about this point, but that's another debate altogether.

, a good body through working out, beauty through plastic surgery (which neither both have done) but having a sense of humour is something which must come naturally and through the way one chooses to percieve their external environment. You can be a stuck up bitch with a tree up your ass or you can enjoy what the world has to offer such as experiancing a new lifestyle while having the ability to have fun such as Nicole and Paris were able to. They are not niave girls, they know the world is a bitch filled with bitchy people but they have fun anyway.

Beauty through plastic surgery.. Another glimpse into the person Claudia might be. Unlike yourself Claudia, I believe beauty goes a little beyond the surface - and hey, what do you know, even considering that, the bowel movement I mentioned previously is now two for two against you! I'm having some trouble here though (where are your enlightening comments to help me keep up with you when I need them?) - are you basically justifying Nicole and Paris being total ingrates, and taking advantage of everything that was offered to them out of the goodness of people's hearts, by saying "they know the world is a bitch filled with bitchy people but they have fun anyway"? Are you implying that as long as I have fun, I don't have to worry about the consequences of my actions? Like, if I go and do a bunch of crack, and then shoot off your dad's testicles for the sin he committed when he conceived you, as long as I have fun it's all good? I better start tracing that IP.

I'm sorry but I dont think that YOU would have been able to make the quilting scene as exciting as Nicole was able to.

Well, you're right, I wouldn't have made that scene as totally awesome and exciting as Nicole did, I mean, I was literally sitting there in TOTAL SUSPENSE wondering whether she'd next make fun of the old ladies for being old, or for doing something that they enjoy.

People would probably change the channel in like 2 seconds after seeing your face and attitude.

Actually, they'd stay tuned the whole way through because I would be wailing on an air guitar, busting out a fat pliee the whole time I was making that quilt.

Nicole is an amazing spirit, very charming, lots of fun, and its unfortunate that there are so many beady eyes after her. God bless her soul and her ability to make people laugh which is what the world needs.

Yes. God bless her soul. And God bless you Claudia, for giving people like me constant material to make fun of.

OH and lastly I'm so sick of you "I'm so educated and better than everyone else" type egos all over the web. Get the fuck over yourselves.

I'm confused - at no point in any of my articles have I mentioned my education, or whether I consider myself to be intellectual and well educated. For all anyone knows, I could be someone that eats trash for lunch, and goes and posts on a public terminal at the library. Due to that, I can only deduce that you consider myself to be more educated than you are (which definitely wouldn't be too difficult) based on the fact that I'm able to USE GRAMMAR AND SPELL. If it is, instead, the fact that I use a broader range of vocabulary than you do, well, I really can't be blamed for the fact that I spend my spare time reading, rather than talking about how hot Josh Hartnett is with my gal-pals.

If you were so educated why are you wasting your time writing shit about people that you consider to be low. Why waste your time? Because it obviously affects you that there are rare girls out there who are able to be smart/ beautiful/ rich/ and funny.

Again you assume that I'm educated (when really being educated is not at all a requisite to seeing that Beebop and Rocksteady are total kackwads), and this time throwing into the mix that I'm wasting my time writing about them. I take pleasure in writing on my personal webpage, and presumably, based on my weblogs, some people enjoy reading that. If I take enjoyment from doing that, I don't see that as a waste of time. If you don't take pleasure in reading my posts, feel free to go and ream yourself with a rusty girder. You're absolutely right, there are rare girls out there that are smart, beautiful, and funny (I leave out rich, because really I don't see that as a quality of character, especially if you're born into it) - I happen to be in a relationship with one of them, and she affects me and my life greatly.

You probably get orgasms from insulting those better than you. Trying to make yourself feel better because you are able to produce a semi-decent written article and spell a few big words will not change the fact that you are a bitter jealous bitch/asshole. Thanks for reading.

Generally speaking I get orgasms from dressing up in animal outfits and going to furry conventions, but my friend got shot when he was dressed up as a racoon last time we did that, so I haven't had a good 'gasm in quite some time. Nonetheless, tonight I will definitely have one, thanks to the sexually exciting image of me zapping you with a taser. I've already gone over why I post on my webpage, and it doesn't have anything to do with making myself feel better. Why you feel the need to post a comment to a post I made about two months ago, making yourself look totally retarded, is beyond me, though I'm sure it has something to do with making yourself feel better. Thank you for taking the time to post bitchhole.

Provided I don't get any more hilarious comments from god himself, I'll attempt to put up the other article I was initially going to write about later this week.

Yes, it's true, Outkast is quite possibly the coolest shit to happen to music since recording music while ripped on heroin became popular. Now, as everyone probably knows, Outkast is scheduled to do pretty well at the Grammys. This goes to show how much faith you should be putting into award shows, and how they truly do reward the most talented artists.

I was looking around to see if I could get any insight into the incredible duo known as "Big Boi" and "Andre 3000", and trusty MSN kame through for me. Let's chekk it out!

As OutKast prepared to release "Speakerboxxx-The Love Below" last fall, even the ever-adventurous Andre 3000 worried that the group had finally gone too far.

"I may be out of touch," said the musician known to wear anything from dead goats to fluoroescent high heels, his warddrobe often being described as what a hang-over might wear, if it was a tangible thing and made shitty music. "It's always a chance of falling off. We've never really caught a brick yet, but we've always walked that line."

Brick is street lingo for bad trip. Since the psychadelic experience plays a large role in the recording of Outkast's music, catching a brick would play a major role in the success of the album. Either way it would probably do good at the grammies, but the music itself would probably sound less like the auditory equivalent of chewing shards of glass.

Andre's fears turned out to be what made Outkast's fifth album their biggest yet.

The album has sold more than 3.5 million copies since its September release, spawned the nation's top two singles (the No. 1 "Hey Ya!" from Andre, (which has received praise for so accurately mimicking the sound someone makes when passing a kidney stone) and "I Like The Way You Move" from counterpart Big Boi) and netted six Grammy nominations. Outkast is favored to win album of the year at Sunday's Grammy ceremony in Los Angeles.

Thus completely and forever destroying any speck of integrity the Grammies ever had. Horray!

"With every album, we tend to gain new fans here and there," says Big Boi, who has received vast praise, such as "Hey retard, boy is spelt with a Y!". "So I guess with this one here, being that the songs are from every corner of music, every genre's covered all the way through, in every single song, it spread a little faster. That's the beauty of our music, you see. You can play just one of our songs, and you'll basically have listened to the equivalent of country mixed with happy hardcore mixed with emo mixed with death metal, and more! It's cool to see Outkast fans willing to go on this adventure with us, this musical adventure."

Ahhhhh, there it is. MUSICAL ADVENTURE. If you ever want to tell if someone is a supreme asshole, just wait for them to say something like "I really enjoy taking my fans on a musical adventure.", or "The breadth and depth of the musical journey that I embark upon with my fans is unlike any fantasy tale you've ever read". Usually after saying something like this, the person will collapse in a fit of self-congratulatory masturbation. Either way, whenever you hear "MUSICAL ADVENTURE", drop kick the jerk in the kidney and take off. You're better off for it.

The adventure almost never happened. Coming off their last full-body dry-heave, aptly titled "Stankonia," Big Boi (Antoine Patton) started eating more fiber in preparation to squeeze out the next steaming turd that would be "Speakerboxxx". However, Andre (Andre Benjamin), focusing on acting, was getting laughed at by virtually everyone in the movie-making industry, including a janitor named Julio.

Andre says the music — which he dubs "sophistifunk", while critics dub it "an unwiped ass" — reflected his mellow mood, a marked departure from the frenetic, flamboyant, hopped-up-on-goofball character he had morphed into over the years.

Ahhhh goofball. I remember the days when my friends and I would go out, buy a bag of goofball from the local goofball dealer, and just sit back and write music.

"It was soothing to me, and the music of jazz sounded like where I wanted to be in my life at the time," he said. "It sounded real blue; It didn't sound vermillion, or green, or puce, which are the colors of vomit, and I think 'Stankonia' is that. It was so much going on in the last couple of years, I just wanted to put the brakes on everything, slow down."

Although Andre and Big Boi have been friends since high school, they are so different — Big Boi's image is kind of the "tacky old man going out to the discotheque to pick up teenagers" versus Andre's "Super flaming gay guy that had a second-hand clothing store vomit on him" — that breakup rumors have hounded them since their 1994 debut. Releasing two solo records fueled that speculation, which had the pair laughing.

Yes, I find myself laughing every time I see Andre dressed in some retarded get up. Seriously, you can't do justice to his wardrobe with mere words, it's like some guy got up, and said, "Ah yes, I'm playing golf today". Then, before going out goes "Oh wait, I'm super flaming gay too, I better wear more sashes and bright stuff". And then he goes "Oh wait, I'm also a trucker-dancer-astronaut" and adds more stuff to the outfit. Then lastly he goes "Oh, shoot, I forgot I'm Paris Hilton" and applies the finishing touches.

They ventured so far as to release dueling singles. Big Boi's took off first, but Andre's remake of the hamster-dance titled "Hey Ya!" became the eventual champ, becoming the most omnipresent song on radio, as can easily be seen in local hospitals by the increasing number of cases where patients impaled both of their ear-drums. John Applonian, a recent patient, was quoted as saying "I'd like to take a magical journey with Outkast, up their rectum, using a rusty girder".

"There's a lot of quote-unquote hip-hop acts today, they stick to beats and rhymes, and we really like to experiment and play with a lot of different elements of the music," said Big Boi. "We keep it exciting, and I guess that's where that weirdo funk comes in."

Yes, and the fact that most of what Outkast does sounds nothing at all like hiphop, but instead like someone speaking through one of those weird voice-box microphones that you get after you lose your larynx to cancer.

"My main focus is making the music," Big Boi said. "If the fans come along, they come along. If they don't, they still have to listen to our shitty music fifty-eight times an hour on the radio, so we win either way. Suck it bitches."