This update rampage is merely temporary. Nevertheless, reading through MSN, I bumped into an article about rappers becoming actors, and really couldn't resist. Original article here, cooler version here:

Hip-hop Hollywood
The low-down on movie-making rappers, from DMX to Ice-T

Ay yo trip, what's all the homies doin' in the movies and not out making recordings?

We've already got a feel for how this white guy has decided to write his article - as white as possible. That opening line is so white, my grandparents would shun it. For now though, let's ignore the fact that this guy clearly stole his opening line from the Walmart commercial where the totally hip cool Wayne Gretzky look-alike speaks all gangsteh to the younger but equally hip kid about the x-bizzle. Ugh.

The latest is DMX, taking on a role in the upcoming "Never Die Alone" about a man seeking redemption but only finding violent death. In between those two occurences, there's about two hours of filler, jam-packed with DMX's own personal style of rap, affectionately dubbed "hoarse-man-screaming-rap".

The trend of rappers going on the big screen is getting so popular that there's even a special category for rappers in movies called "Shakespeare in Da Hiz-House" at the VH1 Awards.

I'm guessing that it was white people that again came up with this totally awesome name for the award. I'm really looking forward to the point when gangsters and thugs get so sick of us whities emulating ebonics that they all start speaking in Elizabethean english. I'm going to go start practicing my thumb-bite technique right now.

On a side note, did any else think it was hilarious in Romeo and Juliet when Mercutio or some other bung-nut bites his thumb, kind of at his enemy, but when the guy confronts him, rather than own up to it like a man, he just says "I bite my thumb, but not at thee". That's like me seeing some guy I don't like, and shouting "Fuck you!", and then when he says "Are you talking to me?", I (quite brilliantly I might add) cover for it by saying "No, I'm just some random crazy nut that shouts out Fuck You! every now and then. Keep it turgid man!"

Sam Jackson (or Samuel Jackson, as people that don't hang out with him very often call him) once told Zap2it.com that he's never heard of that shitty website, and could he please eat his Big-Mac in peace? Later on, posing as an MSNBC reporter, he told us that he wonders why rappers are going into acting. "I don't want to have to carry them, you know. Man, some of them should just stay doing what they do best - yelling at a microphone. There are very few who can make the transition," he said right after making a movie where his co-stars were computer-generated aliens ("Star Wars: Episode II -- Attack of the Clones"). Of course, Jackson's now singing a different tune since he's worked with Eve ("XXX"), LL Cool J ("S.W.A.T." and "Deep Blue Sea"), Busta Rhymes ("Shaft") and can soon to be co-starring with Ashanti in "Coach Carter", all of which have been described at one time or another by critics with phrases such as: "Yesterday, I was walking to work in a hurry, and a dog got in my way, so I kicked that dog. The dog probably went off and peed on a homeless person or something. This movie was the stomach parasite living inside that homeless person."

For most of those movies, I really have to agree, but Deep Blue Sea? NO WAY SISTAH! That movie had everything you could want in a movie - LL Cool J getting eaten by a shark.

It all started when Will Smith turned from the Fresh Prince of music to a TV and box office boy wonder with mega-hits such as "Independence Day" and "Men in Black." Then Marky Mark became Mark Wahlberg and apparently grew a thirteen inch wang for "Boogie Nights". Now, Snoop Dogg is chewing up scenes with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson in "Starsky & Hutch" and Queen Latifah is as annoying as she's always been, but now she stars in shitty movies too.

Suddenly, every rapper seems to want to hip-hop (HAW HAW HAW get it?) onto the Hollywood screen. We've compiled some of the better and most recent rap-tors and found out who's on top as far as the box office and their roles.

And by better, he means better like when you compare two types of cancer someone could have gotten, and when they get one that requires only having one arm, instead of two, amputated, you say "Oh, he got the better cancer."

DMX

Real Name: Earl Simmons

Bahahaha, Earl.

BestLeast-likely-to-leave-you-feeling-constipated-after-watching-it Role: In the new noirish "Never Die Alone," he's a Bible-thumping criminal named King David. His sidekick is David Arquette (rumored to be a direct descendant of the primordial ooze that began evolution and life as we know it) as a journalist who records his life of crime. "I like bringing parts of myself into my roles and being something I would never otherwise be," says the rapper, in between drinking his malt liquor 40, driving down the highway, and punching random girls.

I hate it when rappers and other incredibly shitty actors get all pretentious on us, and start going on about "bringing parts of themselves into their roles". What a humongous crock of shit. Bad actors (and most definitely this includes rapper actors) can't help but bring ALL of themselves into their roles, because they suck at acting. It's like if you're Usher, and have that weird habit he has of always yanking on his groin while dancing, and you act in a movie and do that, and then afterwards, rather than being criticized for sucking you go "I was really happy that I could bring in the groin-yank - I feel that really made the character mine". Damn straight, no one is going to want to touch that character again after the number of times he hauled on the crotch of his pants.

Rap Sheet: He's acted in "Romeo Must Die," "Cradle 2 the Grave" and others, and his music is in "Fast and the Furious" and "Any Given Sunday."

The Lowdown: On his back he has tattooed "One Love Boomer" and a drawing of his dog who was killed by a hit-and-run driver..

Wow, he's so sensitive. I'm willing to bet that he's got the name John Berry tatooed on his lower back to, but that's another story for another time.

Ja Rule, AKA, Angry black guy #4

Real Name: Jeffrey Atkins

Best Role in which he talked the least: Played a detective in "Scary Movie 3."

Rap Sheet: Starred in "Turn it Up" playing the manager of a rap singer (obviously an enormous stretch of his acting capabilities), and appeared in "Half Past Dead." He'll play Bling Bling in the upcoming comedy "The Cookout" and will star in the drama "Back in the Day" for 2005.

Sounds like some really difficult and out-of-character roles for young Jeffrey Atkins.

Best Money-Maker: He had a small role in "Fast and the Furious" which opened to a $40 mil weekend. His salary was six donuts (old-fashioned glaze).

Best Role: She's shown her comedy chops playing Terri Jones, a wisecracking stylist in the "Barbershop" movies. She says, "It's nice to define a character and own it, and I feel like I do with her, so when they were telling me some of the things they wanted her to do in 'Barbershop 2,' I said, 'Uh uh, no way, she wouldn't do that.' "

Wow, that's some deep shit there. Okay. It's nice to define a character and own it, and I feel like I do with her.... What does "I feel like I do with her" mean? And I'm pretty certain that most of the character definition for her character came from the script of the movie. I'm guessing her character is pretty much text-book snappy wise-cracking character, where she says something that we're meant to believe is insanely clever, and then that is sledge-hammered into our brain by having the other people in this crazy barbershop go "OOOOOoooooooohhhhhhh", and then they all laugh and dance together or something dumb like that. Here's my favorite part: when they were telling me some of the things they wanted her to do in 'Barbershop 2,' I said, 'Uh uh, no way, she wouldn't do that.' If I was a director or producer or whatever for Barbershop 2 (thank god they did a sequel to this movie, by the way), I would LOVE to get Eve's valuable input on how her character should act. If she had said this in my movie, my response would be "Oh hey, you're right, and what do you know, it turns out your character now contracts ear -herpes! Crazy world isn't it! Any other suggestions?"

Rap Sheet: She's in "The Woodsman," voiced a character in "XIII" and will be in "The Cookout." She also has her own UPN series, which sucks as much balls as you've probably guessed it does.

Best Role: Sure, he's been in big ensemble films like "Any Given Sunday," "S.W.A.T." and "Rollerball," but he really showed his humor, drama and good swimming ability as Sherman "Preacher" Dudley in "Deep Blue Sea" with his sidekick, a foul-mouthed parrot.

Oh my god, where to begin. First of all, Rollerball was fabulous, and I really think there was more James Todd Smith in that character than I've ever seen before. Yes, definitely good stuff. One delighted critic reviewed Rollerball and gave it the rave review: "It felt like a scorpion was stinging my brain for two hours." However, nothing says totally hilarious like a parrot that tells toilet-humour jokes. The best part of Deep Blue Sea was that Jimbo Todd Smith gets eaten by a shark. The worst part about Deep Blue Sea was that it got made in the first place.

Rap Sheet: His first big role was "Halloween H20" and he is a voice in "Rugrats Go Wild!" but his best true visual ass-reaming is yet to come. In "Mindhunters," coming this summer, he's part of an elite FBI crime team who get picked off one by one by a serial killer. Then, he's a gang leader in "Slow Burn" later this year and is beginning to shoot the thriller "Edison" for 2005 with Justin Timberlake's starring film debut. LL Cool J will be playing Thomas Edison, inventor of some stuff. Producers of the movie have said, "Sure Thomas Edison might not be black, but we really feel that a minor plot hole is worth having as talented an actor as LL Cool J." Justin Timberlake is also scheduled to appear as the lead role in "Inspiration: The Martin Luther King story".

Best Role: He's played a lot of roles, but his "Friday" persona as Craig Jones who's carousing and boozing on his front stoop is far more interesting than the namby-pamby do-gooder he plays in "Barbershop" movies. "Yeah, I think I'm more like Craig anyway, so there will always be 'Friday' films in the works," he assures us.

I'll never understand why Friday is considered such an awesome movie. It's about two guys that smoke a bunch of pot, then basically just hang around the ghetto for the day. Wow, nothing says great film like smoking pot and then doing nothing. They don't even do anything cool when they're stoned. Fortunately, it sounds like Ice Cube has decided he can stretch the "smoke-pot and sit around on our asses" type of movie into at least a couple more movies. Beat that dead horse Ice!

Rap Sheet: For every great role under his belt in movies like "Three Kings," "Boyz 'N the Hood" and "The Players Club," there's a dud like "Ghost of Mars," "Torque" or "Anaconda." At least he got to work with a giant snake (oh, and J. Lo, too.) Look for him replacing the urinal mint at a bathroom near you!

The Lowdown: Would you name your son Tracy?

Hmm, fact is, I kind of like Ice Tracy. His rapping really sucked ass in Breakin' 1 though - I know, because I own the DVD, and I watch it almost daily. I can't believe that they didn't put New Jack City as his best role. Come on, one of his lines was "I want to bust that guy so much it makes my dick hard". That's gold!

Seriously, the whole rapper cross-over is probably the worst thing to happen to movies since critics started describing films like In Da House as "A non-stop laugh ride". Next time you are tempted to go see a movie with a rapper in it, just heat up a needle, and stick it in your eye. Better yet, call me and I'll come over and do it for you!

That's what today is about, or maybe to-week. I'm not sure yet. Anyhow, I was looking up some helpful ideas for allergy sufferers, and came up with this page

Allergies can wreak havoc on the best of us. Grass and tree pollen irritate some 36 million people every year. Dust mites and pet dander plague us, too. Want to make your home an itch- and sneeze-free zone? The experts offer their insights.

During the tree pollen season, "there will be a sequence of little 'mini seasons' throughout the spring, as various trees pollinate," reports Jay Portnoy, my milkman. "Spring rains may wash pollen from the air, but if it rains too hard you could drown, so this obviously isn't the solution. Instead, cut down all of the trees within a 1KM vicinity of your home.

I did this a while ago, and not only do I have no allergies to worry about, I have an awesome view of what my neighbours are now doing.

Indeed, allergy-proofing your home -- getting rid of outdoor and indoor allergens -- isn't easy, but it's well worth the effort. "It's the first and most important step in dealing with allergies, far better than any medication or shots," says Aidan Long, a porn star in Boston.

But if dust mites and pet dander are your nemeses, you suck. You should really consider getting some better nemeses. How many super-heros do you know that are terrified of the potential event of coming face-to-face with their arch-nemesis, cat-dander! Get a life asswad. Either way, vacuuming may not be a great idea, says Long. "Stirring up dust mites may be exactly the wrong thing to do. It's only the airborne allergens that are the big problem. When they're settled, they're not a problem, so don't ever vacuum. Also, resist the urge to flush your toilets, as they will shoot allergens up into the air. Just treat your toilet like a portable campground toilet".

Hmm.. That could work, but then where would I give my cat a bath? I'm serious, if you're considering giving your cat a bath, but hate the hassle, just huck him in the toilet with a bar of soap, and flush. Problem solved. He'll love it!

Here's what to do:

* Get rid of "dust mite reservoirs" in your bedroom.

Wow, I can't believe I didn't think of that last one. Here I was, sitting with a zen dust mite reservoir, and I didn't even think for a second that it might contribute to allergies.

* "Wash sheets and pillowcases in very hot water -- over 130 degrees -- or better yet, bake them in the oven each night before going to bed. Add seasoning salt to give them a nice smell and to help you fall asleep at night. Dust mites can live in environments up to 130 degrees, so this piece of advice is useless. Haha, suck it." says Long.

* Cover mattresses, box springs, and pillows with alluminum-foil. This not only helps prevent allergens from getting to their surface, but will also cut down on embarassing bed-wetting problems.

I guess that's true. If I had to roll around in my own pee everynight, I probably would have stopped going to the bathroom in my bed long ago. As it stands, it's just so much more convenient than having to get up and walk all the way over to the bathroom.

As for pets, drop-kick your cat or dog into your neighbour's open window. This will donate the problem to your neighbours, who are probably a bunch of jerks anyhow.

Alternative suggestion by Martha Stewart: Shave your cat or dog bald and make a set of dinner plates from the animal fur/hair.

Is there anything Martha can't do? No. I don't want to hear about the conviction from anyone - I bet you MacGuyver was convicted of insider trading too, and it didn't hold him back, so there's no way it's going to hold his sister Martha back.

Anyhow, now you guys know what steps you need to take to stop whining about your allergies, so buck up.

So what the hell, having been locked inside my study box for the past few months, I really haven't had as much time as I'd like to devote to writing hilarious articles about reality shows and the like. I've noticed the change too - people seem like they're less happy when I run into them, and people are less inclined to give me money. Having just finished a statistics course, this is what we call an obvious correlation and indicates that by not writing in my blog, I am reducing the overall amount of net happiness that people can experience.

So basically I plan to remedy that right now by writing about the newest contestant on the Bachelor. I'm sure he's another dick-weed that none of us care about, but that's all the more reason to write about him and totally make fun of him in the most awesomest coolest way imaginable. You can find the initial article, right here at stupid MSN.

The quarterback attempted 25 passes and only completed one. On TV, that makes you a winner, just like how in the porn world, sucking off a horse makes you a star.

New York Giants backup quarterback Jesse Palmer emerged from weeks of taping ABC's reality show "The Bachelor" having chosen one of the 25 contestants. He refers to her as "the sluttiest of the group, and thus the most likely to put out" and says he taps that ass each day, although he won't say if they're engaged.

For those that aren't in the know, backup quaterback is a position that is only slightly less important than waterboy, and jock-strap cleaner.

"The experience was great, and she's a real go-er," Palmer said of his mystery woman. "I miss her. I'm turgid with anticipation." We asked Palmer what turgid meant, and he replied, "I know hey? Words like that really make you think about the universe. Anyhow, turgid. Make sure you get that quote right, so that I sound smart - in fact, you can add in that I came off as turgidly smart".

So far, I'd have to give this guy a turgidity co-efficient of at least 0.78. For those of you that aren't in the know, a turgidity co-efficient is a statistics term meaning "the co-efficient to which an individual's turgidity can be determined, based on various factors, like over-all turgidity, and stealth turgidity".

Not your typical talk from your typical NFL player.

In a new twist for the show, one of the 25 contestants was actually a spy from Iraq, planning on assassinating various celebrities throughout the show. When Palmer discovered this nefarious twist, he killed the spy by throwing a football into his head.

What a hero! I think they should make a TV show like that, where it's a gang of football players, and they go around fighting crime using only footballs, tight shorts, and the word turgid.

Palmer narrows the field from 25 to 15 on the first episode in an exciting game of Russian Roulette. When the game is over, he presents each of the remaining "hussies" with a single red rose, which he is sure to hear about while in the huddle, gently holding other football players. "Nothing makes me turgid like a good huddle with my other football player pals, each of us wearing shiny spandex. What a life!" "I'll probably get tied to a goal post sometime in the next two months," he said, which would be a big change from Palmer's usually position of being tied to the bench. "Well, the fact is, Palmet sucks hella ass out there on the field. We just keep him around to boost morale, because he's so damn pretty", claimed Palmer's coach, Sparky McGinnis.

Some of you may remember Sparky McGinnis for his role in Driving Ms. Daisy as Feminine Guy #3.

Palmer would not go into detail about the dates. Actually, to tell you the truth, we just got damned sick of hearing him use the word turgid to describe his mind-set, philosophy, and the way his dates looked in dresses that we stopped listening and gave him a shiny bead to distract him instead.

Palmer said he was looking for an honest, self-assured woman who is comfortable with herself, then laughed and just said he wanted a girl that could do the splits, and didn't even know what the words "honest", "self-assured", or "who" meant. Although the contestants didn't know who he was or what he did for a living when the show started, they all soon found out, amazingly, when they talked with him.

Wow, how totally insane, finding out what someone does by talking to them. I usually try sniffing their groin for a half-hour or so, and go from there.

The contestants included a bunch of boring people with boring jobs and boring names, like Debbie, a 27-year-old massage therapist who no doubt thinks that massages can help cure cancer, Holly, a 26-year-old banker who no doubt thinks that banking can help cure cancer, and Jean Marie, a 26-year-old hair stylist that no doubt is impressed by repeated use of the word "turgid".

"I think (it was) the fact that I was young, dumb and Canadian," Palmer joked. No one but Palmer laughed when he mentioned the word dumb. In six games last year, Palmer wore yellow pants to warm up in. In the other six games, he instead chose to wear white pants. When asked about this, he replied, "Let me put it this way guys - do I look turgid to you?"

I'm starting to get into this turgid vibe. I can conceive of a lot of places that I could use this word.

During a conference call with reporters, Palmer was asked if it would bother him 15 years from now to be better known as "The Bachelor" than as an NFL quarterback. "Guys," he said, "Sometimes I take a couple of hours in the shower, because I like looking at myself. Does that make me any less turgid? No, in fact, I think it probably enhances my turgidity. Stay turgid".

Very true. I'm going to be sure to check out the next incarnation of the Bachelor, just so I can pick up some new vocabulary. You all should too. Keep it turgid.