At the risk of inspiring feelings of nostalgia in everyone out there in bored-at-work-land, I'm putting some pictures up in the ol' blogaroo. Very strange, I'm sure.. It feels like years since I've done that. Anyhow:

View from Rooftop

Vertigo

Obey my Dog

City View from Rooftop

View from the Prison Gates

Courtyard out Front

Me, bein' cool

I'm hoping to get some spare time to post some more pictures in the gallery section - things are pretty hectic right now though, and one of the duties I have been delegated while Bay is gone in Merrit is cleaning out her cat's poo.

Don't get me wrong, Maui is a totally awesome cat, and I can't wait to give her squishy hugs when she moves in with me, but she's got this really weird anal retentive quality (figuratively, not literally) when it comes to me cleaning out her poo box. It's like, her attitude is "Hey, ass-smear, this is my litterbox. Don't mess it up". So as soon as I go to scoop it out, she jumps into the litterbox, and starts tidying it up. It's like, earlier, she must have been in there, and she was thinking to herself "Alright, that's the corner where I'm going to have my congealed pee. And.... Over there this ripe nugget of poo will go in the corner. I really think that livens the place up a bit. Hmmm, and I'll just drag this scarf I took out of Bay's dresser to wrap around that clump of poo I just got... This place is really starting to look nice." I feel a bit guilty for wrecking the lovely job she's done with the place, but I've been delegated the duty, so it's either Bay or the cat, and I have to side with Bay on this one, even though I'm sure it will just mean that later Maui decides that the pockets of my jeans would look much better with a brown steamy treat than her litterbox would. Oh well.

Bay's in the process of moving, and I'm in the process of making a blog entry while she does that. At the same time, Frasier is on TV. For people that are fooled into thinking that Frasier is an extremely intelligent comedy, let me explain it a bit: Frasier is the mental equivalent of being anally reamed by a rusty girder. Right now, Frasier is on the air, helping patients, WHILST under the influence of drugs that he took because he has a fever. Can you imagine anything more funny? I can - Johnny Cage coming on to the show and doing his patented splits-nut-punch maneuver on Frasier. At least then Frasier would have to feel the same kind of pain that he inflicts on the rest of us.

I'll hip you all to the current characters on the show.

Frasier - The old irritating guy that thinks he's incredibly smart

Frasier is a psychiatrist, but, and get this, because this is the most hilariousest thing you ever could imagine - he's got just as many problems and quirks of his own as his patients do! This is made all the more hilarious by the fact that his quirks and issues get him into plenty of problems. One of my favorite episodes was the one where Frasier, desperate because he hasn't drunken the four ounces of blood he normally does before going on the air, has to jump a homeless guy in the street and forcefully extract the blood from him before he can do his show. AWESOME!

Niles - Old irritating guy that thinks he's incredibly smart and is also slightly thinner than Frasier

Niles role in Frasier is to do everything that Frasier doesn't do. It's like when you're making a sandwich, and you're trying to figure out what kind of cheese to put on, and you can't decide if you should use Havarti or Cheddar. Eventually, you just give up and squirt Velveeta directly into your mouth, but that's not the point, you big fat pig. The point is, if you had chosen cheddar, Niles would then do the exact same thing you had done, except complain about his ex-wife. What a dink.

Old Man Olderson - Old irritating guy that is dumb, and is also irritating. And old. And has a dog.

Old man McSuperancient's role on the show is to be old and crotchety, and basically sit around rotting away in his chair. He occasionally drops something that the producers of Frasier think we'll believe is obscure old-man wisdom. Stuff like "Well Frasier, when I was a cop I used to get to blackjack criminals in the head. Think about it." I think that episode ended by Frasier throwing his dad's dog off the balcony and saying "I killed your dog. Think about that you old bastard!" That was a sweet episode.

Daphne - The uptight Brit

Helping to fill out the lack of stereotypes that Frasier has, Daphne plays an uptight British nanny. Most people have a lot of trouble getting their head around the idea of someone who is British, AND is also uptight, AND is a nanny. Those three things just don't normally go together. Always pushing the limits of TV/my sanity, Frasier went buckassnuts deep into the show and stuck 'em all together. Yay Daphne. Originally the producers of Frasier were going to use dried pasta instead of the actress, but, during the pilot, realized that the pasta had too much personality and was actually upstaging the rest of the actors.

Roz - The dirty whoore

Roz tops off the action packed combo of characters on Frasier by being slutty. Well, slutty in the same way Blanche Debereau on Golden Girls was. Blanche was more believably slutty though, because she had more personality and did Tae-bo to keep her ten-century old body in peak physical condition. I actually saw an episode of Golden Girls where Blanche was trying to mack Zach Morris. Kelly Kapowski started to complain, and so Blanche drop kicked her into a bunch of lockers. It was pretty awesome until Blanche tried to get Zach to smoke some pot with her, and he got all pissed off and shouted "THERE'S NO HOPE WITH DOPE". That was pretty dumb, but Blanche made it all good by tearing out a bunch of Jessi Spano's chest hair.

So the moral of all this is that if someone tells you that they like Frasier, you should kick them in the pancreas and steal their wallet. Buy me lunch as a thank you for the advice.

People keep asking me about the vernacular I'm dropping, so I'll come clean and give some definitions:

Vernacular #514: Buckassnuts

Definition: Most nuts are very high in fat - peanuts for example, or even almonds. The cashew, macadamia, and brazil nuts all contain more fat than you can shake a stick at. Also the pine and cheese nuts are known for their poison and fat content. Because of this, nuts have long been a food source avoided by atheletes in training, most notably roman-greco wrestlers. Back in the older days of Athens, where the olympics may or may not have initially been held, roman-greco wrestlers would wrestle wearing nothing but a sweaty loin-cloth. Before each match, they would try and psych each other out by telling the other wrestler that his ass was fat, or that he had "buckass". As a result, buckass became a term associated with nuts.

Use it in a sentence:

"Hey man, try some of these nuts right here"

"No thanks dude, those are totally buckass. Nice loincloth."

Vernacular #782: For shizzle my nizzle

Definition: I'm an asshole, punch me in the face, right now.

Use it in a sentence:

Hey, I'm MethodMan, and I'm starring in my new sitcom on UPN. Don't worry, I also thought they wouldn't let me be true to my black roots, but I get to say "For shizzle my nizzle" at least four times an episode. Be true!

If you see MethodMan out anywhere, let me know - I'll send Blanche Debereau after him.

Pretty clever title huh? I just thought that up myself right now. I was sitting here trying to think of exactly what that might mean. It blew my mind. I'll wax philosophical for a bit, THEN, after I have finished waxing, I will move on to buffing humour (what I just said is also very clever, because I extended the analogy of waxing). (Because typically you buff a car after you have waxed it). (I'm clever).

I'm just about finished moving into my new place. Pictures go up here - if everything went as planned, they should already be included in this weblog. If they didn't, I don't really care. But either way, the place is pretty sweet. I now live in a three story townhouse with a rooftop patio, in an alley just off of Chinatown. The alley part sounds pretty sketchy, but it's actually closed off from all traffic (foot and vehicle) after 8pm at the latest, which makes it very quiet after the aforementioned time (8pm for those of you without opposable thumbs).

Living downtown is very cool, especially since Graham and Lexi and some of Bay's friends live really close by. Previously, where I would have to hop in the G-ride and bust out some fat Us to get to their places, I can now hop into my kicks and make the three minute hike to their place. Also, I can play my music really loud, which is cool, because my previous neighbours were a bunch of horsecocks and wouldn't let me play my music at a level above that equivalent to the noise made when a cotton ball falls from a height of one foot onto a piece of felt. Naturally I tried to come up with various ways to get around their anality, such as playing my music really loud anyways, and stealing their phone books, but all to no avail. That's alright though, it's all behind me now.

So I guess if we want to hurry up and finish with the waxing, and begin the buffing, I can probably make the connection between the title of this entry and the fact that this essentially marks one of the final steps in my transition from student to yuppie.

Anyhow, I recently stumbled across an article that I think about 90% of my friends should read and take into account. The original article is HERE. Go ahead and read that one if you're a sell-out bitch-ass.

ARE YOU A DRAMA QUEEN??????? PROTECT YOURSELF NOW!!

Much in the same way that a car can be high-maintenance, get a flat-tire, and need a complete overhaul of the transmission, a significant other can also be a lot of work, and often need a transmission overhaul at around 50 years of age. In place of a daily quart of oil, this person might need a knife collection, or porn.

Yes. High-maintenance == porn

Being high-maintenance isn't necessarily a bad thing, except that it totally is and you suck. However, if you want to get all the way across the country in the road trip of life, which is actually a metaphor for something very deep, you're going to pick the car that has room for sex in the backseat, and doesn't reek like urine. Mixed metaphors aside, the point is that low-maintenance ladies have more fun, but generally are much uglier and have smaller breasts. Let your inner drama queen go, and land a great guy the laid-back way - grind your business into his package at a local nightclub. Failing this, follow these tips below to ensure that you're well on your way to smaller, uglier breasts:

For a simple reference, just remember this handy algebraic formula:

Business + Package + Grind = Laid back guy + STD test

1. Stop worrying about your hair, because you're going to go bald eventually anyhow.

The simpler the style, the faster you'll be able to get out of the house and into some adventures. The conclusion is obvious. Bic your head and go bald. When guys see the shiny scalp of a girl, they're thinking one thing, and only one thing: "Why does that dude have breasts?" This isn't a negative! It's a positive! Being a high-maintenance girl, you've probably noticed that your man is always hanging out with his "boyz" or his "Gs", "fuckin' shit up old school" or "slappin' a fat shitty". There's a reason for this - you can't get more low-maintenance than being a guy. It doesn't hurt to stick a cucumber down your pants either.

It's true. Guys love a bald ass woman. It's like some weird kind of aphrodisiac. That's why old bald men are constantly getting hired on as phone sex operators.

2. Buy some comfortable shoes

The couples that play together stay together, and the jedi knight that knows anger cannot truly be at peace with himself. Obscure pieces of wisdom, or axioms to live by? You decide. While you're at it, buy some wellington boots and wear them everywhere.

Actually, I hear that J.Lo is coming out with a new style of shoes that are wellington boots with high heels. Perfect for when you have to muck out your pig's manure, but don't have time to change out of the ballgown before the big prom!

3. Learn to laugh at yourself, everyone else already has

Being low-maintenance often means being able to bounce back quickly from an opponent's right cross, or from a vicious roundhouse kick. Laughter has been proven to enhance the speed at which you can perform a kip-up, which will help you greatly in the arena against your worst adversary. If laughter isn't helping, pull a Chong Li and throw your blinding powder in your opponent's face. This may seem a little off-topic, but one of the keys to appearing low maintenance is to eliminate anyone around you that seems more casual and fun than you are. When you're the last one standing, your boyfriend will have to choose you, much like in the movie Highlander

It's not mentioned, but I think I should explicitly state it, just in case someone reads this and then sues me for it: Do NOT chop off the heads of lower maintenance girls. Although men find this incredibly sexy, it is illegal

4. Take care of your own self-esteem

Don't leave it to a man to constantly tell you how great you are. Find out on your own by boning random men whenever you need a quick "confidence pick-me-up". Great places to meet men are: outside of sperm banks, in doctor's offices, and at any construction site.

You really can't argue with the absolute truth.

5. Be okay with guns

Even the tightest couples need — and thrive on — firing practice. A low-maintenance gal is okay with the occasional guys' night out because she can't wait to take her gun and shoot it at various objects. Shoot for the stars! Literally.

If you don't believe it, watch Bowling for Columbine. Michael Moore pretty much advocates exactly this.

6. Stop making your relationship the main topic of conversation

Sure, your boyfriend experiences pain when he pees, but not everyone wants to know about it. Try mixing your conversation up a bit by wearing sluttier outfits. Chances are, guys will be too busy looking at your ever-shrinking breasts, and girls will be too busy calling you a ho for either of them to pay attention to what you're talking about. Groin thrusts at random intervals can also achieve the same effect, as will prefixing the word LAZER in front of various parts of your conversation.

Example: My boyfriend experiences a burning LAZERsensation everytime he LAZERpees. Do you know of any good LAZERdoctors that we could go to? [massive groin thrust]

7. Stop asking, "What are you thinking about?"

Chances are, your boyfriend is thinking about having sex with someone other than you. Let him keep his thoughts to himself and take it out on him next time the two of you are being intimate. Nothing says "stop thinking about sex with other women" like a good ol' "dink-indianburn". You'll free up your own mind for musings on the finer points of string theory, which is an advanced theory involving mathematically solving the cat's cradle problem.

I have read extensively on string theory, and can certifiably tell all of you that it is very awesome indeed.

I was hoping to get those pictures up tonight, but have been way too busy, what with everything that I need to do. As a result, you will all have to live your lives in mystery, wondering JUST WHAT EXACTLY my place looks like. However, I will give you all a hint: LAZER.