Blark! Logging on to check my blog out has once again led me to realize that I have in fact neglected it for far too long. I set the amount of posts that are displayed WAY up, so as to fool people into thinking that maybe I wasn't as lazy as I, in fact, actually am.

All of this trouble derives from the fact that I can't really bring myself to write daily blog entries about my life - I don't find them entertaining to do, and I don't feel like I gain anything from it. I like making fun of shit, and I like making myself laugh - those two reasons are my main motivation for writing these massive blog entries.

That's all fine and good, and I get a huge kick out of writing them, but the numbers add up to a minimum of two hours when I account for finding a good article to laugh at, reading through it, determining the weak points that I plan to attack, determining the strong points that I plan to attack, determining which people have names that I'm going to make fun of, coming up with a creative way to call someone a horsecock for the fifty-third time since I've started writing blog entries, etc. Add on top of that proof-reading (because I hate misspelled words - they make me pig-biting angry) and then re-reading it a couple of times to make sure that the funny has been maximized (this can be determined by taking the derivative of the funny equation and then finding the zeros of the equation), and you've got at least two hours of time eaten up.

Two hours isn't really that much time, especially if I space it out over the week, which unfortunately, isn't really possible. I've got about six entries I've prewritten, each of which started out with me thinking it was hilarious, then I've had to do something, come back in a couple of days, and just not been able to get back into the vibe. So splitting it up definitely doesn't cut it. The best solution would be to take more time out for myself, rather than always playing Magic or doing other stuff that is probably largely a waste of time.

Anyhow, this is a pre-warm-up (I'll do a warm up some time slightly later) to get the ball rolling for me to actually get off my ass and write out a new entry. Or something. Whatever.

Alright, lately, I've started noticing that most of my friends suck. Not just regular suck either, but like, BLACK HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GALAXY SUCK. That's pretty sucky. I would say that's at least as sucky as any of the episodes of Star Trek where they have Dr. Polanski instead of Dr. Crusher. Stupid Polanski. She's such a self-righteous bitch. She can't even pronounce Data's name properly. Seriously, get it straight you cow.

Anyhow, as a result of that epiphany I had, I'd decided to ditch all of my old friends, and get new, super cool, very rich, and basically just better, friends. I figured I'd help out by providing a helpful article so that all of the friends that I'm ditching can read here and figure out how to get their own new friends, since I'll have ditched them. If you would like to read the original article, you can do so here.

The 'friends' you need to dump

The bleeding heart liberals say, "Don't blame the man, blame the circumstances." Likewise, most people in British Columbia say "The Liberals suck massive ass, and Gordon Campbell can go suck an egg". We try not to get caught up in that though, so we're not going to focus on that point very much in this article. Instead, we'll switch to dumping your sucky friends.

I'm suspicious of gurus that are only involved with the sixth dimension. That's probably one of the easiest dimensions.

From the experiences of others and mine (basically the reasons people have given me when they told me to screw off and stopped being my friend), these are the categories I have come up with.

The obligatory friend (THE UGLY ONE) : You have been working for four years now, and suddenly, your ex-classmate calls you up from nowhere. "Remember, I used to sit behind you in class and gleek on the back of your neck?" she exclaims.

Girls do this to one another quite often.

She invites you cordially to have lunch with her the next day. Of course, you go, even though you would like to invent a new special move to use on her that would be called the ultimate inverted fractal powerslam, and upon doing it, you would scream something along the lines of "Dooooooohhhhhhdanmakusenpuuuuuuuudodoshinokintamaken!!!!". The problem is, instead of going to the gym, you've been eating jam directly out of the jar using only your fingers, and the closest you can come to doing this move succesfully is mimicking the sound you would make for it when you try and get yourself up off of the couch. So, you go to lunch, and find it extremely boring, or find this gal to be a total bigot and don't want to meet her again. Due to quantum mechanics, either one of these two options, BUT NOT BOTH, is possible. She, for some unknown reason, loves your company. When the thank you note arrives with a second invitation, you challenge this friend to a duel in the Omega Arena, and obliterate them, gaining two levels and enhancing your duel skill in the process.

I've done this one a lot.

The 'dumb' friend (SO AND SO): This is the dude who thinks that except 'Armageddon', every other movie is a chick-flick. He doesn't even like Bloodsport 2, which is totally sweet, because Alex Cardeau teaches us the value of turning your life around, and also of learning a technique called THE IRON FIST, which you can use to break various bones in people's bodies. Anyhow, this bungnut friend gets a mighty headache when you talk about some thing intelligent for more than five minutes. He hates standards, brings every thing down to his own petty level and generally make you feel so empty that you want to rush back home and watch gay-porn. For the sake of your sanity, dump him. Dumb to Dump. See, how easy it is - anyone can say things that don't make sense!

Other wicked aliterations that you could use are:

Rag the Rug!
Tag my Bug!
Jump my Rump and then Pump while putting on a Hump!

The friend who leaves flaming bags of poo on your doorstep (THE DEADLY NINJA): We all have these kind of 'friends'. We keep throwing the ball into their court again, saying "Hey, Stevebo, how about you don't take a poo in a bag, then light it on fire and leave it as a gift for me?". Try this method. Next time you see them on your doorstep, kick them in the taint. You would be surprised how many folks prefer to not be kicked in the taint. This might bruise your self-esteem a bit, after they stop coming over, but at least it's not your taint that will be bruised.

I bet Tom Green has been kicked in the taint like a thousand times.

The friend who blackmails you emotionally: I knew this dude who used to make everybody feel guilty about not being enough 'friendly' with him. What a bitch. I told him to let me know when he'd traded his vagina in for testicles. This kind of guy will drain your energies like the brain bug from Starship Troopers, sucking your brain out of your head, in order to better understand the human race, and then destroy them entirely. Do not let this friend suck your brain!

The friend who's nice only to you: So you have this friend who uses other people, lies, plays dirty to get ahead in life, but is on great terms with you. Actually, wrong jerkbag! He stole eighty dollars from your wallet the other night! Punch this guy in the solar plexus, he deserves it. Stay friends with him still though.

(You never know when you might have pent up aggression that you need to get out).

WHY, OH WHY, do we persist with such friends?

More and more people are getting into fights these days outside of McDonalds, Subway, Macs, and may other locations previously considered perfectly safe at 3PM. YOU NEED BACKUP. Having a huge volume of friends will give you an almost limitless arsenal of friends to call for backup. The opposing gangster will have no chance against your virtual army!

"But, I don't get into fights outside of these fine establishments", you say. Start more fights! If you see a couple of senior citizens out for a walk, throw a hamburger at them. Not going to finish your softdrink? Don't throw it out, pour it down that child's pants! Just finished going to the bathroom? Wipe your ass on the tie belonging to the guy sitting in the stall next to you! The possibilities are endless!

Before you get down to start writing dirty email to me, consider this. I have more friends than you do. If you want to fight, I will get on my phone, so quick, and call up so many friends, you won't even know what to do. So, check yoself, before you wreck yoself.

Anyhow, that's basically what I advise. I have categorized all of my friends, and put them in a file folder I bought the other day. I used these color tabs I bought at a stationary store to help keep track of them. I'm feeling pretty good about that. If you would like to know what color-level of friend you are, and what you can do to get promoted to a higher color-level, please let me know.