I don't know if this really qualifies as humour, but I can't figure out where else it would go, so I'm putting it here.
I have a friendster account, because I love conversation with interesting people, and I like meeting new people. On top of that, I hate using the phone, and I have a bad tendency to be anti-social in face-to-face contact. I'm not sure why, I guess it's because I'm what some people call an introverted-extrovert. When thrust into social situations, I do very well, but when given the option, I have a tendency to avoid them.
Anyhow, what good is friendster? Well, it provides you with transcripts like the following:
First, this is my bio:
| Gender | Male |
| Interested in Meeting People for | Friends, Activity Partners |
| Status | In a Relationship |
| Age | 25 |
| Location | Victoria, British Columbia |
| Hometown | Victoria |
| Occupation | Software Developer/Meat Stacker |
| Hobbies and Interests | Dancing, Squash, Stacking Meat, Lasers, Dressing up like a ninja |
| Favorite Books | Official guide to Rock Paper Scissors |
| Favorite Movies | Anything with hardcore porn scenes. |
| Favorite Music | Deep House, Hiphop, Breakbeat, Kenny G and Yani 2000 Super Dance Megamix |
| Favorite TV Shows | Mr. Show, Red Dwarf, Saved by the Bell (Specifically the episode where Jessi gets addicted to caffeine pills) |
| About Me | I enjoy living on the coast, near meat rendering plants. I have often fantasized about gaining, through practice, the ability to think about what a building would look like, and then actually create that building with my mind. I have not yet had much success with this technique, but spend about four hours practicing every day. If you are intrigued by this, you should write me, and together, we can create buildings (with practice and dedication). |
| Who I Want to Meet | I'm down with meeting anyone that is funny, intelligent, and willing to play monopoly with me at least four times a week. Also, I get to be the tophat, no matter what. |
We've already run into the first problem with friendster - I don't seem to write bios that inspire people to talk to me. Personally, if I ran into someone that had stacking meat as their hobby, I would have a plethora of questions to ask them: What kind of meat? What is your record height so far? Do you stack horizontally or vertically? Do certain kinds of meat stack better than others? Does cured meat count?
There's virtually a limitless number of questions, solely from that one hobby alone. AND I have other hobbies listed! I'm the most interesting person on the internet! Finally someone sent me a message, and here's what they wrote:
So what stage are you at in designing and building
structures with only your mind? I find that my
imagination is good at the creation, but not so
good at solidification. The one attempt I made
at trying to use cards instead of gray matter
lasted only as long as a sneeze. I'll stick to
Legos.
I guess you can be the top hat, but I got dibs on
the battleship. We'll have to play your version
though, since the only one I have is my wife's
Pokemon Monopoly, and nobody can use the Bulbasaur
token because it's undefeated in 6 games.
What else do you do for excitement? I enjoy
knocking over bowling pins with grapefruits, using
a stick whack small colored balls through random
obstacles into holes, and reformatting my computer
because it randomly insists on it.
Umm.. Hmm. Well, in situations like this, the only thing you can do is write back, so here's my reply:
Hey Chris,
I can currently make mind buildings out of
standard building materials, such as concrete,
cement, wood, and abalone. I have not met very
much success using non-conventional items, such as
cheese, but that may be because, mentally, I don't
like the aethetics of a building made of cheese.
Some of the questions that this causes us to raise
are: Would a building made of cheese necessitate
another building made of crackers? Would this
building require refrigeration? What type of
cheese am I trying to mentally build with? Why
cheese?
As you can see, there are many questions that need
to be examined before it's really feasible for me
to give the go ahead on an edifice based on a
foundation of cheese.
With regards to Pokemon Monopoly, I feel this game
is an aberation of the original game, for the
precise reason you have mentioned: The bulbasaur
token. As most people know, bulbasaur has a
deadly seed and vine attack, and this makes
renting to him a bit of a quandry.
When my friends and I play Monopoly, we generally
insist that no bulbasaur tokens be used, and the
name cannot be uttered. Breaking this rule earns
the violator four turns in jail. We enforce this
rule strictly, though we do try to make exceptions
based on individual merits, and in the interest of
keeping the game fun.
For excitement, I do many things. I don't usually
reformat my computer due to its own insistence,
but I take great pleasure in formatting the
computers of other people. I enjoy drinking milk
immensely, though don't have the palate to consume
anything other than skim milk. I also enjoy
petting my cat. Sometimes I pet from her head to
her back, but othertimes I using a circular motion
with my fingernails to scratch the top of her
head. One could argue that this is not in fact a
"petting" motion, but I feel that it still
qualifies, as I have used the word pet in the
context of meaning "to play with, or stroke in a
pleasing manner".
Chris, I need to know the following things about
you: What is the fastest that you can run 100
meters in? If you had to choose between drinking
milk that was two weeks past its due date, or
wearing a robe made of meat to a shopping mall for
the entire day, which would you choose? Do you
think it would be possible to make a robe out of
meat? What type of meat would you use? Provide
references for your answers.
Thank you,
--Adam
What will happen next? Who knows! I'll post updates as they come in.
I think this was hilarious. Please tell me what he replies.