I talk a lot.

Whenever I find myself with groups of people, it is the conversation that is holding my interst more than anything else (well, hopefuly - it's gotta be an awkward group if I'm not paying attention to the conversation).

People participate in conversations on all different levels. Some people are talking because they have a deep underlying need to feel a part of the group. Some people are talking because they want to express themselves and receive recognition. Sometimes there's someone that is just hanging on for dear life and doesn't want to come off sounding stupid. Some people take it as an opportunity to entertain, and there's overlap across all of these motivations.

Conversation is a weird thing. Most of us just take it for granted that we are a social species. Some people are terrified of talking to strangers, some people love it. Conversation and interaction is such an integral part of our daily existence that we rarely take the time to think about it.

As I start to take a deeper glance into the many parts of my daily life, I notice more and more the underlying details that have been invisble to me up until this point. There is such a thing as a good conversation, and, conversely, bad conversations.

What makes a conversation good? Balance, comfortability, the right touch of levity, and a hodgepodge of other things. People that are charismatic are generally very good at making other people feel comfortable around them. There are many ways to accomplish this - using people's names is a good way to establish immediate rapport with someone, while using someone's name too much is a way of making them feel uncomfortable (think about a conversation with one of your friends... how often do you use their name? Hearing your own name too many times almost feels like a breach of intimacy).

Laughing genuinely at a joke someone has made is another way to make people feel at ease - and again, doing it too much makes people feel uncomfortable. You lose the feeling of genuinity, and have moved beyond the realm of flattery to contrivance. People love to be flattered, but no one likes feeling that they're being humoured or patronized.

It's always a fine line, and the more people you have involved in a conversation, the easier it is for that line to get crossed. Everyone has different comfort zones, and it's the responsibility of everyone in the conversation to do their part to avoid stepping on anyone else's toes.

We're getting to the heart of the matter, and after only 6-7 paragraphs. My english teacher would be so proud.

Like I said, everyone participates on a different level. Some people are completely oblivious to the effect that their words have on other people. Some people can tell when they've said something wrong, but don't see the warning signs leading into it.

I'm at the far end of the scale. I think too much, and about everything. I think about minor details, and I love doing that because it constantly presents new opportunities to learn. However, this is a double-edged battle-axe that cuts both ways (it's got a very nice handle too). The more time you spend thinking and analyzing something, the better you get at understanding how it operates, and the patterns that are inherent to it (and believe me, there are patterns in everything, I saw it in a movie called A Beautiful Mind). Seeing the patterns and flow of a conversation almost forces upon me the need to help it along.

It's kind of like the paradigm of ignorant bliss. Adam and Eve had not eaten from the tree of knowledge, and had no awareness of their own shame (shame is bible code for penis and vagenis). Once they'd eaten that delicious brainfruit, they became aware of their nudity (and Adam had a rather embarassing erection at the time as well, making things even worse) and felt the need to hide it. They could no longer remain blissfully ignorant, because they now possessned the knowledge and awareness of their situation.

Being aware of the nuances of a conversation, and seeing the path that it takes has removed my ability to remain blissfully ignorant. Going through school, I had a poor understanding of how conversations worked. I was awkward, I made people feel uncomfortable (until I got to know them better), and I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. Next came a time when I had figured out how to talk to people, but didn't understand the deeper levels of a conversation, and so I was as close to true blissful ignorance as I could be - I could talk to people, but didn't need to worry too much about the line.

But as time has passed, it's become more and more apparent, and now it is impossible for me to participate in a conversation without helping steer it. Some people will hate hearing this. "That's so manipulative! That's not how people should interact". Mmmm, this is the first thing people often think when they hear about this kind of thing. It's a knee-jerk reaction.

The reason this makes sense to me comes from my stint at university. Whenever I would get put into a group project, I'd be sitting with at least four strangers working towards a common goal. Almost every project that I ever got done succesfully was the result of myself or someone else picking up the reins of leadership. I'm not stroking my ego here, or fooling myself into believing that I'll be the next manager at KFC (those guys get free chicken!), it just means that I saw the need for some kind of leadership and stepped into that role. Conversations are no different than this. Many of you may never realize it, but there is a tug back and forth in every conversation, and just like a project, it's ultimately about a group of people achieving a common goal (the goal in a conversation is much less tangible than a project, being simply to enjoy company, reach an agreement, discuss something, or meet any of the other goals I mentioned at the start).

Someone talented at steering a conversation will be able to identify the goals that everyone involved has, and make an effort to have them all met. It's a constant dance, weaving the conversation subtly and delicately to ensure that everyone gets their fair share, and everyone gets the chance to express their opinion. I enjoy playing that role, but it can get to be a bit trying without a break from it.

This is the conundrum I'm faced with. Like I said, I like talking to people. I'm very social by nature, and verbal conversations are one of favorite mediums for interaction. But, conversation can be tiring. Steering the direction and paying attention to each nuance can wear you down over time. We need time to recharge, and that's why we have good friends. We can hang out with these people and let the conversation flow much more of its own momentum, because we're much more familiar with each other's comfort zone (I can make fun of my friend Graham's cellphone ringtone, but not his shitty beard).

Ah, you're thinking "well, or just don't do that". No... nonono.. remember, I can no longer remain blissfully ignorant, and think back to our analogy; How well is a project going to go if I were just to say "Ahh, I'll just let the reins slide this one time"? It's going to suck horse, and I know that. I could just let things crash and burn, but then, someone's going to need to pick up the reins to fix up the wreckage. I prefer preventative solutions to curative ones.

People sometimes look at me with confusion when I tell them I don't want to have to spend the evening being "on". "Well, just don't be". I can't!

The people that don't understand this end up thinking I'm aloof, or a snob, or some other cute label. I understand, they're just trying to protect themselves and react defensively to their own hurt feelings.

Next time you find yourself in a conversation with a group of people, take a moment to think about it, and to look for the patterns. They're there. Just remember that once you've seen them, you can't go back.

Update: My friend Davin pointed out that my CAPTCHA (that's basically the code that I have people enter whenever they want to write a comment) was not working, and was preventing anyone from comments. This has been fixed, and I expect a deluge of penis enlargement spam comments to follow closely at the heels.

Like the title says, I'm back! Pretty wild stuff. It's been about six months since my blog went down, and the rest of my life picked up considerably since then, making it very difficult to find the time to set things back up.

Here's what's been going on:

• Buy a condo

Oh yeah, I bought a condo. Most people know about this, but it may come as news to some. This happened right at the Pac Rim tournament this year, and my motivation through this tournament was quite low as a result. Bay and I had been looking for about 6 months prior to this, and had yet to see anything that we liked, aside from one unit right at the start which sold shortly after.

• Pay for a condo

Once you buy real-estate, you go insane running around to get all your money and stuff together. You get only a week usually to get your financing in order, have a building inspection conducted, read through the last two-years worth of minutes from strata meetings, shop for mortgages, etc.

You can get some of this done beforehand, to an extent, but no matter what, it seems like you're suddenly sucked into the INSANITYVORTEX!!

• Move

Moving sucks, but, when you're moving out of the place we had, and into a place that you're hoping will finally be a home, it takes some of the sting out of it. Still, loads of packing to get done on our part, as well as organizing everything. We were actually very fortunate, because a huge amount of our friends volunteered to help, which was really cool. The whole process was actually pretty fun, and it was nice getting the hell out of our old place. Man that unit sucked.

• Clean old shitass apartment

The worst part about moving is that after shiting all of your stuff, you have to go back and cleanup the old unit you've now left behind. Bay and I couldn't do any unpacking, because we still needed to paint. We still had some other stuff to bring back across as well, and on top of everything else we needed to get the carpet cleaned.

We rented a carpet cleaner hoping that we could save money doing it ourselves, which lead to this hilarious exchange between us and the property manager for our apartment:

Okay, the place looks good, did you get the carpet's cleaned?

Yup.

Who'd you get to do it?

Bay and I look furtively at each other

Errr... EZ.. clean? Something like that? We can't remember the name.

Okay, well, all I need is the receipt and we're good to go.

Ah. K. See you.. We'll mail it to you

We eventually had to own up and pay for professionals to come and do it, but I was so sick of the unit by this point that I couldn't make myself care. We were out of there, and that's all that mattered.

• Paint condo

Painting takes a loooooong time to do, and it's pretty painful when you're living out of boxes because you need to finish painting. We were absolutely not willing to live in yet another place that had the same white walls that every other apartment we had lived in before, and besides, Bay and I had ideas.

We took out extra money on the mortgage to be able to afford some paint and furniture, and so we were set to go buy paint. Turns out, we were set to go and buy about $1000 worth of paint and supplies. Yikes.

Throw/Dropsheets suck ass - you put them down and they constantly move away from the wall right as you're about to drip paint on the wall. Bah!

It's annoying not being able to unpack as well, and Bay and I got some really incredible fighting action going on, just from the stress and annoyance of living out of boxes and wanting painting to be finished. That being said, each room finished helped steel our resolve, and by the end of it we were pretty happy with the colors we'd chosen. I'll post pictures of the rooms within the next couple of days, provided I remember to.

• Buy Furniture

Bay and I lived on our own for a while before moving in together, and since that point, we've had way too much stuff, all of it mismatched, for the spaces we've lived in. We sat down and went through everything that we owned, and started throwing out huge lots of it. It's not that we didn't like our stuff, but often times we'd just outgrown it. We put together a shopping list and headed out for furniture. This part was actually kind of fun, except that most of the time the stuff we really liked ended up costing way too much. We found a nice couch and dining room table at Dodd's, and figured we'd pick up everything else we needed from Jysk or Ikea.

Head's up - Jysk sucks and is way overpriced. We were super dissapointed with the furniture that they carried, as it all cost a lot, and was built quite shittily (it might be a real word).

Ikea really came through for us though. Lots of people are rigidly opposed to Ikea, but when you're on a budget, and are willing to look through the cheaper stuff and pick out the things that are a little higher quality, I think it's pretty good. We managed to cover almost everything else we needed off our list with a little bit of creative thinking (eg, in order to get a lingerie chest for Bay, we had to buy a bookcase with a classy door - it works great, looks nice, and saved us about $200 over what we would pay normally).

• Unpack and assemble furniture

And this is pretty much the final bit. Unpacking is much more fun than packing is, and even more so when for the first time in our lives (at least since moving in together) we actually have enough space for everything, and storage to eliminate clutter.

• Buy small cat

Oh yeah, almost forgot about this one. Bay and I had wanted a little catd00d for some time now, and once completing the bulk of our painting, we went out and talked to a few cat rescues. We chose the cuddliest cat we could find in order to act as the polar opposite to Maui, and picked him up two weeks later. He's sleeping in a small catball on the couch as I type this.

So that's a lot of stuff to get done! We're mostly complete now, just finishing unpacking the last couple of boxes, and now that all the furniture has been delivered and setup, we need to paint the hallway.

Here's what I needed to do get the blog back up online:

• Get my old Linux machine to boot up again

Okay, this probably wasn't as hard as I thought it might have been. Initially, my server just ran by itself, without any monitor, keyboard, or mouse attached to it. When it went down, I didn't really have any way to figure out what was going on, other than connecting to it using SSH (a pretty low level way to access another machine). For some reason, the computer wasn't accepting SSH requests, so I couldn't do that.

• Fork out the cash for a domain and good web hosting

When you're moving it's hard to find $150 to just throw to a webhost.

• Back up my old blog and upload it to the new web host

Just spent most of today doing this and the next item. I've had worse days, but there's definitely quirks to figure out and get past in order to get everything working again.

• Figure out how to make all of the components work together

So that's complete now, for the most part. As I said, I've been without a blog for six months, and a ton of stuff has happened. Part of how I learn is by writing out my thoughts and articulating them, so I've been dying to blog. I've got a lot of catching up to do, and the summer is just starting to pick up steam in a different vector. Now that getting our place all set up is winding down, wedding, squash tournaments, music festivals, and other excitement are starting to pick up speed. I'll be blogging about that all, so stay tuned, and welcome back!