I like TV. I like it a lot. It's a rich medium, and provides a great medium to communicate thoughts and ideas. However, as with any similar medium, the better means it provides to push forward an idea, the higher the noise-to-signal ratio becomes (if you don't believe me, just check out the internet - how much noise is there on that bad boy?).

In an ongoing attempt to reduce that ratio for you, here's the latest set of really really good TV shows that I'm watching, and why you should be watching them.

• Battlestar Gallactica

There's been a giant hole in my heart ever since Star Trek Voyager went off the air. I grew up through adolescence and my teenage years watching The Next Generation and Voyager, and I TURNED OUT GREAT!

On the serious side, both of these shows did something I really appreciate - they used the context of the future (new technologies, new planets, new species, physics that we don't understand, etc.) to present new problems, and ways that human ingenuity may be able to prevail amongst that adversity. It provides the writers of the show a context within which they can prevent ideas that we may not have thought of - what if there existed beings that had powers like gods, but weren't benevolent? (The anthropologists out there will be quick to point out that we could just study the Aztecs when they encountered the conquistadors, but they're not the ones writing in this blog, so they can suck it).

Battlestar Gallactica was recommended by my friend Davey, and does a great job filling this void. The setting is that humans created artificial intelligence, which then rebelled and left our area of the galaxy. Years later, they've returned, destroyed most of humanity, and are now chasing down the rest.

If that sounds tacky, don't let it stop you checking out the show. There are some very cool ideas expanded on in the series, including ones like the Cylons (the AI) having their own set of gods and religion, and the notion of a soul. Intriguing stuff!

The characters are sympathetic and interesting. They've all got good backstories, none of them feel too cookie-cutter, and the pacing is great - rarely do I find myself thinking "man, I hope they move on past this part of the story soon".

Check out the trailer for the miniseries that kicked off the show here:

• The Mitchell and Webb Situation

David Mitchell and some guy who's last name is Webb (I think it's Mark, but I'm not sure) are two British guys that are hilarious. Anyone that is familiar with other good British comedy will recognize David Mitchell from his appearances on Qi, or possibly from some of his other shows, like Peep Show (also pretty funny, though a little more difficult for people on this side of the world to get into).

TMWS is basically a sketch comedy. It's got some good material, along with some material that many of my Canadian friends probably won't get (we don't really have Snooker, nor commentators over here for it, so it's a bit more difficult to understand), but most of the bits are funny and can be grasped solely from the context. That reason shouldn't stop you from checking out the show and seeing if fits with your sense of humour. I like my comedy fairly abstract, and they do a good job of avoiding the standard approach.

Check out the episode one of the first season here:

• Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Ahh, more British comedy! Anyone that has seen Qi is familiar with the UK panel-based approach to comedy, and this show follows that fairly closely. Although the material is a little more low-brow than Qi (it's based on pop-culture, mostly music), it is on-par in terms of hilarity for me.

The show is in its 21st season, and the two hosts that they've had are both very dry and witty in their own way. The most recent host, Simon Amstell, is very biting, and I never get tired of hearing him take the mickey out of various pop stars. He's rarely caught for a lack of something clever to say, and the banter is kept going by the two co-hosts, Bill Bailey and Phil Jupitus (both familiar to Qi's panels as well).

I grew especially fond of this show after seeing one of UK's boy-band members get up and walk off the show after getting ribbed by Simon. Seeing people that take themselves too seriously get rattled is something I'll never get tired of.

Check out the first of three parts of that episode here:

• Flight of the Conchords

You're probably living in a cave if you haven't yet heard about this show, as people have generally caught wind of how awesome it was. I try to limit my recommendations to shows that are flying low under the radar, but this one is honestly too good not to mention. That being said, most people I've talked to have seen YouTube clips of the songs from the show, but never actually watched the show itself. If you're one of those people, take my word for it that the show is every bit as funny as their songs are.

Brett McKenzie and Jemaine Clement play charicatures of themselves as two New Zealanders, come to New York to make it big with their band. They're joined by their manager, also from New Zealand, Murray, and their number one (and only) fan, Mel.

Whoever is writing this show is genius, and really gets comedy. Not only that, but Jemaine and Brett are both extremely comedically and musically talented. Part of what makes the show so funny is that they are deadpan and static whenever their band plays out.

The events and action in the show are broken up by song interludes, usually fitting with whatever is currently happening and always revealing the real talent that Brett and Jemaine possess. These interludes span a huge number of genres, are always done well, and are always hilarious.

If you haven't already seen it, the best introduction I can provide to the show is this song:

And if you've already seen that one, this is a great track from the second episode:

So, the next time someone smirks when you start talking about good TV, do what I do and punch them in the mudbutton. People that shun TV completely and act as though they are better than everyone else are really just denying themselves access to a medium of communication. It's up to you to determine what information gets through, but don't fool yourself into believing that watching TV is necessarily a waste of your time (Hint: laughing is a positive thing).

Once in a while, the world is exposed to greatness of another kind of level. For some people, it was Jesus. For others, Ghandi, or maybe George W. Bush (hey, I'm not judging!). For me, it's Ted Nugent. Ted Nugent represents all that is pure in our world. He represents a simpler time, when people could shoot other people whenever they damn well pleased, and the quantity of guns you owned was directly relatable to the length of your glorious gun-toting penis.

What has Ted been up to lately? I'll tell you. He's been helping to make the world a better place. Bay sent me the link to this article, summarized below:

Rocker Ted Nugent spurs on NRA members in Texas, in spite of the fact that no one remembers who he is

Seriously, does anyone know who this guy is?

HOUSTON (AP) - With an assault weapon in each hand, rocker and gun rights advocate Ted Nugent urged National Rifle Association members to be "hardcore, radical extremists demanding the right to self-defence."

As though the only way to defend ourselves is using assault rifles and ICBMs..

Speaking at the NRA's annual convention Saturday, Nugent said each NRA member should try to enroll 10 new members over the next year and associate only with other members.

"Let's next year sit here and say, 'Holy smokes, the NRA has 40 million members now,' " he said. "No one is allowed at our barbecues unless they are an NRA member. Do that in your life. Also, go and shoot a bunch of goats for fun!"

Wow, imagine how many people would be upset that they couldn't go to the barbecue being held by the neighbourhood gun-rights advocate. Imagine how much fun you could have talking about how you almost shot the last illegal immigrant that didn't get your order right at McDonalds, whilst listening to the rockin' tunes of TED NUGENT (imagine me playing a radical air guitar as you read that).

Nugent sang and played a guitar painted with red and white stripes for the crowd at Houston's downtown convention centre.

He drew the most cheers when he told gun owners they should never give up their right to bear arms and should use their guns to protect themselves if needed. He then went and took a shit on the American flag and shouted "Let's show America that context has no meaning when reading things like the constitution and the bible!"

Yes YES!!!

"Remember the Alamo! Shoot 'em!" he screamed to applause. "Do what Davey Crocket would do and go wrestle some fucking bears!"

Oh God Yes! The powerful image of Davey Crocket and shooting people is almost too much for me to contain!

"To show you how radical I am, I want carjackers dead. I want rapists dead. I want burglars dead. I want child molesters dead. I want the bad guys dead. No court case. No parole. No early release. I want 'em dead! Get a gun and when they attack you, shoot 'em! Then go shoot some more goats!"

Sooo... no court case. If I deem The Nuge to be guilty of some kind of crime (like let's say he walks out of a store and forgets to pay for something - or better yet, I deem that his music is a crime on humanity), I can merrily pump led into his cash and prizes? Sounds good to me.

See you all at the gun shop.

I don't know if this really qualifies as humour, but I can't figure out where else it would go, so I'm putting it here.

I have a friendster account, because I love conversation with interesting people, and I like meeting new people. On top of that, I hate using the phone, and I have a bad tendency to be anti-social in face-to-face contact. I'm not sure why, I guess it's because I'm what some people call an introverted-extrovert. When thrust into social situations, I do very well, but when given the option, I have a tendency to avoid them.

Anyhow, what good is friendster? Well, it provides you with transcripts like the following:

First, this is my bio:

We've already run into the first problem with friendster - I don't seem to write bios that inspire people to talk to me. Personally, if I ran into someone that had stacking meat as their hobby, I would have a plethora of questions to ask them: What kind of meat? What is your record height so far? Do you stack horizontally or vertically? Do certain kinds of meat stack better than others? Does cured meat count?

There's virtually a limitless number of questions, solely from that one hobby alone. AND I have other hobbies listed! I'm the most interesting person on the internet! Finally someone sent me a message, and here's what they wrote:

So what stage are you at in designing and building
structures with only your mind? I find that my
imagination is good at the creation, but not so
good at solidification. The one attempt I made
at trying to use cards instead of gray matter
lasted only as long as a sneeze. I'll stick to
Legos.

What else do you do for excitement? I enjoy
knocking over bowling pins with grapefruits, using
a stick whack small colored balls through random
obstacles into holes, and reformatting my computer
because it randomly insists on it.

Umm.. Hmm. Well, in situations like this, the only thing you can do is write back, so here's my reply:

Hey Chris,

--Adam

What will happen next? Who knows! I'll post updates as they come in.

Blark! Logging on to check my blog out has once again led me to realize that I have in fact neglected it for far too long. I set the amount of posts that are displayed WAY up, so as to fool people into thinking that maybe I wasn't as lazy as I, in fact, actually am.

All of this trouble derives from the fact that I can't really bring myself to write daily blog entries about my life - I don't find them entertaining to do, and I don't feel like I gain anything from it. I like making fun of shit, and I like making myself laugh - those two reasons are my main motivation for writing these massive blog entries.

That's all fine and good, and I get a huge kick out of writing them, but the numbers add up to a minimum of two hours when I account for finding a good article to laugh at, reading through it, determining the weak points that I plan to attack, determining the strong points that I plan to attack, determining which people have names that I'm going to make fun of, coming up with a creative way to call someone a horsecock for the fifty-third time since I've started writing blog entries, etc. Add on top of that proof-reading (because I hate misspelled words - they make me pig-biting angry) and then re-reading it a couple of times to make sure that the funny has been maximized (this can be determined by taking the derivative of the funny equation and then finding the zeros of the equation), and you've got at least two hours of time eaten up.

Two hours isn't really that much time, especially if I space it out over the week, which unfortunately, isn't really possible. I've got about six entries I've prewritten, each of which started out with me thinking it was hilarious, then I've had to do something, come back in a couple of days, and just not been able to get back into the vibe. So splitting it up definitely doesn't cut it. The best solution would be to take more time out for myself, rather than always playing Magic or doing other stuff that is probably largely a waste of time.

Anyhow, this is a pre-warm-up (I'll do a warm up some time slightly later) to get the ball rolling for me to actually get off my ass and write out a new entry. Or something. Whatever.

Alright, lately, I've started noticing that most of my friends suck. Not just regular suck either, but like, BLACK HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GALAXY SUCK. That's pretty sucky. I would say that's at least as sucky as any of the episodes of Star Trek where they have Dr. Polanski instead of Dr. Crusher. Stupid Polanski. She's such a self-righteous bitch. She can't even pronounce Data's name properly. Seriously, get it straight you cow.

Anyhow, as a result of that epiphany I had, I'd decided to ditch all of my old friends, and get new, super cool, very rich, and basically just better, friends. I figured I'd help out by providing a helpful article so that all of the friends that I'm ditching can read here and figure out how to get their own new friends, since I'll have ditched them. If you would like to read the original article, you can do so here.

The 'friends' you need to dump

The bleeding heart liberals say, "Don't blame the man, blame the circumstances." Likewise, most people in British Columbia say "The Liberals suck massive ass, and Gordon Campbell can go suck an egg". We try not to get caught up in that though, so we're not going to focus on that point very much in this article. Instead, we'll switch to dumping your sucky friends.

I'm suspicious of gurus that are only involved with the sixth dimension. That's probably one of the easiest dimensions.

From the experiences of others and mine (basically the reasons people have given me when they told me to screw off and stopped being my friend), these are the categories I have come up with.

The obligatory friend (THE UGLY ONE) : You have been working for four years now, and suddenly, your ex-classmate calls you up from nowhere. "Remember, I used to sit behind you in class and gleek on the back of your neck?" she exclaims.

Girls do this to one another quite often.

She invites you cordially to have lunch with her the next day. Of course, you go, even though you would like to invent a new special move to use on her that would be called the ultimate inverted fractal powerslam, and upon doing it, you would scream something along the lines of "Dooooooohhhhhhdanmakusenpuuuuuuuudodoshinokintamaken!!!!". The problem is, instead of going to the gym, you've been eating jam directly out of the jar using only your fingers, and the closest you can come to doing this move succesfully is mimicking the sound you would make for it when you try and get yourself up off of the couch. So, you go to lunch, and find it extremely boring, or find this gal to be a total bigot and don't want to meet her again. Due to quantum mechanics, either one of these two options, BUT NOT BOTH, is possible. She, for some unknown reason, loves your company. When the thank you note arrives with a second invitation, you challenge this friend to a duel in the Omega Arena, and obliterate them, gaining two levels and enhancing your duel skill in the process.

I've done this one a lot.

The 'dumb' friend (SO AND SO): This is the dude who thinks that except 'Armageddon', every other movie is a chick-flick. He doesn't even like Bloodsport 2, which is totally sweet, because Alex Cardeau teaches us the value of turning your life around, and also of learning a technique called THE IRON FIST, which you can use to break various bones in people's bodies. Anyhow, this bungnut friend gets a mighty headache when you talk about some thing intelligent for more than five minutes. He hates standards, brings every thing down to his own petty level and generally make you feel so empty that you want to rush back home and watch gay-porn. For the sake of your sanity, dump him. Dumb to Dump. See, how easy it is - anyone can say things that don't make sense!

Other wicked aliterations that you could use are:

Rag the Rug!
Tag my Bug!
Jump my Rump and then Pump while putting on a Hump!

The friend who leaves flaming bags of poo on your doorstep (THE DEADLY NINJA): We all have these kind of 'friends'. We keep throwing the ball into their court again, saying "Hey, Stevebo, how about you don't take a poo in a bag, then light it on fire and leave it as a gift for me?". Try this method. Next time you see them on your doorstep, kick them in the taint. You would be surprised how many folks prefer to not be kicked in the taint. This might bruise your self-esteem a bit, after they stop coming over, but at least it's not your taint that will be bruised.

I bet Tom Green has been kicked in the taint like a thousand times.

The friend who blackmails you emotionally: I knew this dude who used to make everybody feel guilty about not being enough 'friendly' with him. What a bitch. I told him to let me know when he'd traded his vagina in for testicles. This kind of guy will drain your energies like the brain bug from Starship Troopers, sucking your brain out of your head, in order to better understand the human race, and then destroy them entirely. Do not let this friend suck your brain!

The friend who's nice only to you: So you have this friend who uses other people, lies, plays dirty to get ahead in life, but is on great terms with you. Actually, wrong jerkbag! He stole eighty dollars from your wallet the other night! Punch this guy in the solar plexus, he deserves it. Stay friends with him still though.

(You never know when you might have pent up aggression that you need to get out).

WHY, OH WHY, do we persist with such friends?

More and more people are getting into fights these days outside of McDonalds, Subway, Macs, and may other locations previously considered perfectly safe at 3PM. YOU NEED BACKUP. Having a huge volume of friends will give you an almost limitless arsenal of friends to call for backup. The opposing gangster will have no chance against your virtual army!

"But, I don't get into fights outside of these fine establishments", you say. Start more fights! If you see a couple of senior citizens out for a walk, throw a hamburger at them. Not going to finish your softdrink? Don't throw it out, pour it down that child's pants! Just finished going to the bathroom? Wipe your ass on the tie belonging to the guy sitting in the stall next to you! The possibilities are endless!

Before you get down to start writing dirty email to me, consider this. I have more friends than you do. If you want to fight, I will get on my phone, so quick, and call up so many friends, you won't even know what to do. So, check yoself, before you wreck yoself.

Anyhow, that's basically what I advise. I have categorized all of my friends, and put them in a file folder I bought the other day. I used these color tabs I bought at a stationary store to help keep track of them. I'm feeling pretty good about that. If you would like to know what color-level of friend you are, and what you can do to get promoted to a higher color-level, please let me know.

At the risk of inspiring feelings of nostalgia in everyone out there in bored-at-work-land, I'm putting some pictures up in the ol' blogaroo. Very strange, I'm sure.. It feels like years since I've done that. Anyhow:

View from Rooftop

Vertigo

Obey my Dog

City View from Rooftop

View from the Prison Gates

Courtyard out Front

Me, bein' cool

I'm hoping to get some spare time to post some more pictures in the gallery section - things are pretty hectic right now though, and one of the duties I have been delegated while Bay is gone in Merrit is cleaning out her cat's poo.

Don't get me wrong, Maui is a totally awesome cat, and I can't wait to give her squishy hugs when she moves in with me, but she's got this really weird anal retentive quality (figuratively, not literally) when it comes to me cleaning out her poo box. It's like, her attitude is "Hey, ass-smear, this is my litterbox. Don't mess it up". So as soon as I go to scoop it out, she jumps into the litterbox, and starts tidying it up. It's like, earlier, she must have been in there, and she was thinking to herself "Alright, that's the corner where I'm going to have my congealed pee. And.... Over there this ripe nugget of poo will go in the corner. I really think that livens the place up a bit. Hmmm, and I'll just drag this scarf I took out of Bay's dresser to wrap around that clump of poo I just got... This place is really starting to look nice." I feel a bit guilty for wrecking the lovely job she's done with the place, but I've been delegated the duty, so it's either Bay or the cat, and I have to side with Bay on this one, even though I'm sure it will just mean that later Maui decides that the pockets of my jeans would look much better with a brown steamy treat than her litterbox would. Oh well.

Bay's in the process of moving, and I'm in the process of making a blog entry while she does that. At the same time, Frasier is on TV. For people that are fooled into thinking that Frasier is an extremely intelligent comedy, let me explain it a bit: Frasier is the mental equivalent of being anally reamed by a rusty girder. Right now, Frasier is on the air, helping patients, WHILST under the influence of drugs that he took because he has a fever. Can you imagine anything more funny? I can - Johnny Cage coming on to the show and doing his patented splits-nut-punch maneuver on Frasier. At least then Frasier would have to feel the same kind of pain that he inflicts on the rest of us.

I'll hip you all to the current characters on the show.

Frasier - The old irritating guy that thinks he's incredibly smart

Frasier is a psychiatrist, but, and get this, because this is the most hilariousest thing you ever could imagine - he's got just as many problems and quirks of his own as his patients do! This is made all the more hilarious by the fact that his quirks and issues get him into plenty of problems. One of my favorite episodes was the one where Frasier, desperate because he hasn't drunken the four ounces of blood he normally does before going on the air, has to jump a homeless guy in the street and forcefully extract the blood from him before he can do his show. AWESOME!

Niles - Old irritating guy that thinks he's incredibly smart and is also slightly thinner than Frasier

Niles role in Frasier is to do everything that Frasier doesn't do. It's like when you're making a sandwich, and you're trying to figure out what kind of cheese to put on, and you can't decide if you should use Havarti or Cheddar. Eventually, you just give up and squirt Velveeta directly into your mouth, but that's not the point, you big fat pig. The point is, if you had chosen cheddar, Niles would then do the exact same thing you had done, except complain about his ex-wife. What a dink.

Old Man Olderson - Old irritating guy that is dumb, and is also irritating. And old. And has a dog.

Old man McSuperancient's role on the show is to be old and crotchety, and basically sit around rotting away in his chair. He occasionally drops something that the producers of Frasier think we'll believe is obscure old-man wisdom. Stuff like "Well Frasier, when I was a cop I used to get to blackjack criminals in the head. Think about it." I think that episode ended by Frasier throwing his dad's dog off the balcony and saying "I killed your dog. Think about that you old bastard!" That was a sweet episode.

Daphne - The uptight Brit

Helping to fill out the lack of stereotypes that Frasier has, Daphne plays an uptight British nanny. Most people have a lot of trouble getting their head around the idea of someone who is British, AND is also uptight, AND is a nanny. Those three things just don't normally go together. Always pushing the limits of TV/my sanity, Frasier went buckassnuts deep into the show and stuck 'em all together. Yay Daphne. Originally the producers of Frasier were going to use dried pasta instead of the actress, but, during the pilot, realized that the pasta had too much personality and was actually upstaging the rest of the actors.

Roz - The dirty whoore

Roz tops off the action packed combo of characters on Frasier by being slutty. Well, slutty in the same way Blanche Debereau on Golden Girls was. Blanche was more believably slutty though, because she had more personality and did Tae-bo to keep her ten-century old body in peak physical condition. I actually saw an episode of Golden Girls where Blanche was trying to mack Zach Morris. Kelly Kapowski started to complain, and so Blanche drop kicked her into a bunch of lockers. It was pretty awesome until Blanche tried to get Zach to smoke some pot with her, and he got all pissed off and shouted "THERE'S NO HOPE WITH DOPE". That was pretty dumb, but Blanche made it all good by tearing out a bunch of Jessi Spano's chest hair.

So the moral of all this is that if someone tells you that they like Frasier, you should kick them in the pancreas and steal their wallet. Buy me lunch as a thank you for the advice.

People keep asking me about the vernacular I'm dropping, so I'll come clean and give some definitions:

Vernacular #514: Buckassnuts

Definition: Most nuts are very high in fat - peanuts for example, or even almonds. The cashew, macadamia, and brazil nuts all contain more fat than you can shake a stick at. Also the pine and cheese nuts are known for their poison and fat content. Because of this, nuts have long been a food source avoided by atheletes in training, most notably roman-greco wrestlers. Back in the older days of Athens, where the olympics may or may not have initially been held, roman-greco wrestlers would wrestle wearing nothing but a sweaty loin-cloth. Before each match, they would try and psych each other out by telling the other wrestler that his ass was fat, or that he had "buckass". As a result, buckass became a term associated with nuts.

Use it in a sentence:

"Hey man, try some of these nuts right here"

"No thanks dude, those are totally buckass. Nice loincloth."

Vernacular #782: For shizzle my nizzle

Definition: I'm an asshole, punch me in the face, right now.

Use it in a sentence:

Hey, I'm MethodMan, and I'm starring in my new sitcom on UPN. Don't worry, I also thought they wouldn't let me be true to my black roots, but I get to say "For shizzle my nizzle" at least four times an episode. Be true!

If you see MethodMan out anywhere, let me know - I'll send Blanche Debereau after him.

Pretty clever title huh? I just thought that up myself right now. I was sitting here trying to think of exactly what that might mean. It blew my mind. I'll wax philosophical for a bit, THEN, after I have finished waxing, I will move on to buffing humour (what I just said is also very clever, because I extended the analogy of waxing). (Because typically you buff a car after you have waxed it). (I'm clever).

I'm just about finished moving into my new place. Pictures go up here - if everything went as planned, they should already be included in this weblog. If they didn't, I don't really care. But either way, the place is pretty sweet. I now live in a three story townhouse with a rooftop patio, in an alley just off of Chinatown. The alley part sounds pretty sketchy, but it's actually closed off from all traffic (foot and vehicle) after 8pm at the latest, which makes it very quiet after the aforementioned time (8pm for those of you without opposable thumbs).

Living downtown is very cool, especially since Graham and Lexi and some of Bay's friends live really close by. Previously, where I would have to hop in the G-ride and bust out some fat Us to get to their places, I can now hop into my kicks and make the three minute hike to their place. Also, I can play my music really loud, which is cool, because my previous neighbours were a bunch of horsecocks and wouldn't let me play my music at a level above that equivalent to the noise made when a cotton ball falls from a height of one foot onto a piece of felt. Naturally I tried to come up with various ways to get around their anality, such as playing my music really loud anyways, and stealing their phone books, but all to no avail. That's alright though, it's all behind me now.

So I guess if we want to hurry up and finish with the waxing, and begin the buffing, I can probably make the connection between the title of this entry and the fact that this essentially marks one of the final steps in my transition from student to yuppie.

Anyhow, I recently stumbled across an article that I think about 90% of my friends should read and take into account. The original article is HERE. Go ahead and read that one if you're a sell-out bitch-ass.

ARE YOU A DRAMA QUEEN??????? PROTECT YOURSELF NOW!!

Much in the same way that a car can be high-maintenance, get a flat-tire, and need a complete overhaul of the transmission, a significant other can also be a lot of work, and often need a transmission overhaul at around 50 years of age. In place of a daily quart of oil, this person might need a knife collection, or porn.

Yes. High-maintenance == porn

Being high-maintenance isn't necessarily a bad thing, except that it totally is and you suck. However, if you want to get all the way across the country in the road trip of life, which is actually a metaphor for something very deep, you're going to pick the car that has room for sex in the backseat, and doesn't reek like urine. Mixed metaphors aside, the point is that low-maintenance ladies have more fun, but generally are much uglier and have smaller breasts. Let your inner drama queen go, and land a great guy the laid-back way - grind your business into his package at a local nightclub. Failing this, follow these tips below to ensure that you're well on your way to smaller, uglier breasts:

For a simple reference, just remember this handy algebraic formula:

Business + Package + Grind = Laid back guy + STD test

1. Stop worrying about your hair, because you're going to go bald eventually anyhow.

The simpler the style, the faster you'll be able to get out of the house and into some adventures. The conclusion is obvious. Bic your head and go bald. When guys see the shiny scalp of a girl, they're thinking one thing, and only one thing: "Why does that dude have breasts?" This isn't a negative! It's a positive! Being a high-maintenance girl, you've probably noticed that your man is always hanging out with his "boyz" or his "Gs", "fuckin' shit up old school" or "slappin' a fat shitty". There's a reason for this - you can't get more low-maintenance than being a guy. It doesn't hurt to stick a cucumber down your pants either.

It's true. Guys love a bald ass woman. It's like some weird kind of aphrodisiac. That's why old bald men are constantly getting hired on as phone sex operators.

2. Buy some comfortable shoes

The couples that play together stay together, and the jedi knight that knows anger cannot truly be at peace with himself. Obscure pieces of wisdom, or axioms to live by? You decide. While you're at it, buy some wellington boots and wear them everywhere.

Actually, I hear that J.Lo is coming out with a new style of shoes that are wellington boots with high heels. Perfect for when you have to muck out your pig's manure, but don't have time to change out of the ballgown before the big prom!

3. Learn to laugh at yourself, everyone else already has

Being low-maintenance often means being able to bounce back quickly from an opponent's right cross, or from a vicious roundhouse kick. Laughter has been proven to enhance the speed at which you can perform a kip-up, which will help you greatly in the arena against your worst adversary. If laughter isn't helping, pull a Chong Li and throw your blinding powder in your opponent's face. This may seem a little off-topic, but one of the keys to appearing low maintenance is to eliminate anyone around you that seems more casual and fun than you are. When you're the last one standing, your boyfriend will have to choose you, much like in the movie Highlander

It's not mentioned, but I think I should explicitly state it, just in case someone reads this and then sues me for it: Do NOT chop off the heads of lower maintenance girls. Although men find this incredibly sexy, it is illegal

4. Take care of your own self-esteem

Don't leave it to a man to constantly tell you how great you are. Find out on your own by boning random men whenever you need a quick "confidence pick-me-up". Great places to meet men are: outside of sperm banks, in doctor's offices, and at any construction site.

You really can't argue with the absolute truth.

5. Be okay with guns

Even the tightest couples need — and thrive on — firing practice. A low-maintenance gal is okay with the occasional guys' night out because she can't wait to take her gun and shoot it at various objects. Shoot for the stars! Literally.

If you don't believe it, watch Bowling for Columbine. Michael Moore pretty much advocates exactly this.

6. Stop making your relationship the main topic of conversation

Sure, your boyfriend experiences pain when he pees, but not everyone wants to know about it. Try mixing your conversation up a bit by wearing sluttier outfits. Chances are, guys will be too busy looking at your ever-shrinking breasts, and girls will be too busy calling you a ho for either of them to pay attention to what you're talking about. Groin thrusts at random intervals can also achieve the same effect, as will prefixing the word LAZER in front of various parts of your conversation.

Example: My boyfriend experiences a burning LAZERsensation everytime he LAZERpees. Do you know of any good LAZERdoctors that we could go to? [massive groin thrust]

7. Stop asking, "What are you thinking about?"

Chances are, your boyfriend is thinking about having sex with someone other than you. Let him keep his thoughts to himself and take it out on him next time the two of you are being intimate. Nothing says "stop thinking about sex with other women" like a good ol' "dink-indianburn". You'll free up your own mind for musings on the finer points of string theory, which is an advanced theory involving mathematically solving the cat's cradle problem.

I have read extensively on string theory, and can certifiably tell all of you that it is very awesome indeed.

I was hoping to get those pictures up tonight, but have been way too busy, what with everything that I need to do. As a result, you will all have to live your lives in mystery, wondering JUST WHAT EXACTLY my place looks like. However, I will give you all a hint: LAZER.

Jealous?

Alright,

I've completed my two/three month hibernation process, and should have succesfully gotten rid of every single person that used to be patient enough to check here for updates. It's all good, I didn't need any of them anyhow.

Today is dedicated to a status update, because I still have tons of stuff I have to get done, and instead I'm wasting time writing in my blog so that people can "learn more about me". As if I want anyone to learn about me anyhow, but just in case someone has happened upon this site, I've created an opportunity for them to understand what I'm about in a few easy points:

Music: Avril Lavigne when I'm depressed (90% of the time). Avril Lavigne played backwards when I'm happy.

Favorite colour: Black

Special move: Navy turnbuckle swingback

Finishing move: Double boot stompadoo

The Navy turnbuckle swingback is a move I've been working on for several years now, and with my sabatical in Hawaii, where I was studying the graceful yet deadly manatee, I'm proud to say that I finally perfected the move. You can see me using it this Saturday at the Thunderdome.

A lot of you are probably wondering if I'm going to elaborate a bit further on the manatee. Naturally I am. Most people don't realize that the manatee is among the most poisonous creatures on this planet. Using a spear that protrudes from its back, it is capable of injecting over 2000 cc's of lethal fibrotoxin, a poison that works by instantly giving rigor-mortis. In Hawaii they actually have a museum of people that have been killed by the manatee, each one in a more hilarious position than the last one due to the rigor-mortis. Normal rigor-mortis goes away after a few hours, but people stung by the manatee are given the old screwgy and stuck with it forever.

Anyhow, it wasn't until I realized that I would be needing to defend myself against a potential manatee attack that I had my turnbuckle swingback breakthrough. Taking into account the perfect balance of weight, grace, and aethestic beauty that the manatee possesses, I realized that I would need to instead approach the maneuver from an angle of 72 arc minutes, rather than the traditional two degrees, eight minutes, five seconds I had been using. With this in mind, I entered the arena and immediately defeated two manatee without any trouble. I knew then that I was ready to come back.

A lot of people have been asking me how my Hawaii trip was. The answer is: good.

I have a new job now that's really good. I work with GIS information and applications. That stands for Government Intelliop Soundwave, and is a new type of weapon the Canadian government is working, revolving mostly around the use of super high powered bass to distort and reverbrate buildings to the ground. The other day while testing, my senior co-worker Reggie used one of the prototypes to knock the hub cap off of some loser's car. It was totally awesome.

I'm actually pretty busy right now, because the University of Victoria has contacted me with a side-project in which I will be attempting to remove the bunnies on campus with a computer program. I have decided to attempt to use Microsoft Access for this task, and will keep everyone posted with updates.

I think that's all I'm going to give right now. Stay tuned for exciting updates (come back in a year's time).

This update rampage is merely temporary. Nevertheless, reading through MSN, I bumped into an article about rappers becoming actors, and really couldn't resist. Original article here, cooler version here:

Hip-hop Hollywood
The low-down on movie-making rappers, from DMX to Ice-T

Ay yo trip, what's all the homies doin' in the movies and not out making recordings?

We've already got a feel for how this white guy has decided to write his article - as white as possible. That opening line is so white, my grandparents would shun it. For now though, let's ignore the fact that this guy clearly stole his opening line from the Walmart commercial where the totally hip cool Wayne Gretzky look-alike speaks all gangsteh to the younger but equally hip kid about the x-bizzle. Ugh.

The latest is DMX, taking on a role in the upcoming "Never Die Alone" about a man seeking redemption but only finding violent death. In between those two occurences, there's about two hours of filler, jam-packed with DMX's own personal style of rap, affectionately dubbed "hoarse-man-screaming-rap".

The trend of rappers going on the big screen is getting so popular that there's even a special category for rappers in movies called "Shakespeare in Da Hiz-House" at the VH1 Awards.

I'm guessing that it was white people that again came up with this totally awesome name for the award. I'm really looking forward to the point when gangsters and thugs get so sick of us whities emulating ebonics that they all start speaking in Elizabethean english. I'm going to go start practicing my thumb-bite technique right now.

On a side note, did any else think it was hilarious in Romeo and Juliet when Mercutio or some other bung-nut bites his thumb, kind of at his enemy, but when the guy confronts him, rather than own up to it like a man, he just says "I bite my thumb, but not at thee". That's like me seeing some guy I don't like, and shouting "Fuck you!", and then when he says "Are you talking to me?", I (quite brilliantly I might add) cover for it by saying "No, I'm just some random crazy nut that shouts out Fuck You! every now and then. Keep it turgid man!"

Sam Jackson (or Samuel Jackson, as people that don't hang out with him very often call him) once told Zap2it.com that he's never heard of that shitty website, and could he please eat his Big-Mac in peace? Later on, posing as an MSNBC reporter, he told us that he wonders why rappers are going into acting. "I don't want to have to carry them, you know. Man, some of them should just stay doing what they do best - yelling at a microphone. There are very few who can make the transition," he said right after making a movie where his co-stars were computer-generated aliens ("Star Wars: Episode II -- Attack of the Clones"). Of course, Jackson's now singing a different tune since he's worked with Eve ("XXX"), LL Cool J ("S.W.A.T." and "Deep Blue Sea"), Busta Rhymes ("Shaft") and can soon to be co-starring with Ashanti in "Coach Carter", all of which have been described at one time or another by critics with phrases such as: "Yesterday, I was walking to work in a hurry, and a dog got in my way, so I kicked that dog. The dog probably went off and peed on a homeless person or something. This movie was the stomach parasite living inside that homeless person."

For most of those movies, I really have to agree, but Deep Blue Sea? NO WAY SISTAH! That movie had everything you could want in a movie - LL Cool J getting eaten by a shark.

It all started when Will Smith turned from the Fresh Prince of music to a TV and box office boy wonder with mega-hits such as "Independence Day" and "Men in Black." Then Marky Mark became Mark Wahlberg and apparently grew a thirteen inch wang for "Boogie Nights". Now, Snoop Dogg is chewing up scenes with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson in "Starsky & Hutch" and Queen Latifah is as annoying as she's always been, but now she stars in shitty movies too.

Suddenly, every rapper seems to want to hip-hop (HAW HAW HAW get it?) onto the Hollywood screen. We've compiled some of the better and most recent rap-tors and found out who's on top as far as the box office and their roles.

And by better, he means better like when you compare two types of cancer someone could have gotten, and when they get one that requires only having one arm, instead of two, amputated, you say "Oh, he got the better cancer."

DMX

Real Name: Earl Simmons

Bahahaha, Earl.

BestLeast-likely-to-leave-you-feeling-constipated-after-watching-it Role: In the new noirish "Never Die Alone," he's a Bible-thumping criminal named King David. His sidekick is David Arquette (rumored to be a direct descendant of the primordial ooze that began evolution and life as we know it) as a journalist who records his life of crime. "I like bringing parts of myself into my roles and being something I would never otherwise be," says the rapper, in between drinking his malt liquor 40, driving down the highway, and punching random girls.

I hate it when rappers and other incredibly shitty actors get all pretentious on us, and start going on about "bringing parts of themselves into their roles". What a humongous crock of shit. Bad actors (and most definitely this includes rapper actors) can't help but bring ALL of themselves into their roles, because they suck at acting. It's like if you're Usher, and have that weird habit he has of always yanking on his groin while dancing, and you act in a movie and do that, and then afterwards, rather than being criticized for sucking you go "I was really happy that I could bring in the groin-yank - I feel that really made the character mine". Damn straight, no one is going to want to touch that character again after the number of times he hauled on the crotch of his pants.

Rap Sheet: He's acted in "Romeo Must Die," "Cradle 2 the Grave" and others, and his music is in "Fast and the Furious" and "Any Given Sunday."

The Lowdown: On his back he has tattooed "One Love Boomer" and a drawing of his dog who was killed by a hit-and-run driver..

Wow, he's so sensitive. I'm willing to bet that he's got the name John Berry tatooed on his lower back to, but that's another story for another time.

Ja Rule, AKA, Angry black guy #4

Real Name: Jeffrey Atkins

Best Role in which he talked the least: Played a detective in "Scary Movie 3."

Rap Sheet: Starred in "Turn it Up" playing the manager of a rap singer (obviously an enormous stretch of his acting capabilities), and appeared in "Half Past Dead." He'll play Bling Bling in the upcoming comedy "The Cookout" and will star in the drama "Back in the Day" for 2005.

Sounds like some really difficult and out-of-character roles for young Jeffrey Atkins.

Best Money-Maker: He had a small role in "Fast and the Furious" which opened to a $40 mil weekend. His salary was six donuts (old-fashioned glaze).

Best Role: She's shown her comedy chops playing Terri Jones, a wisecracking stylist in the "Barbershop" movies. She says, "It's nice to define a character and own it, and I feel like I do with her, so when they were telling me some of the things they wanted her to do in 'Barbershop 2,' I said, 'Uh uh, no way, she wouldn't do that.' "

Wow, that's some deep shit there. Okay. It's nice to define a character and own it, and I feel like I do with her.... What does "I feel like I do with her" mean? And I'm pretty certain that most of the character definition for her character came from the script of the movie. I'm guessing her character is pretty much text-book snappy wise-cracking character, where she says something that we're meant to believe is insanely clever, and then that is sledge-hammered into our brain by having the other people in this crazy barbershop go "OOOOOoooooooohhhhhhh", and then they all laugh and dance together or something dumb like that. Here's my favorite part: when they were telling me some of the things they wanted her to do in 'Barbershop 2,' I said, 'Uh uh, no way, she wouldn't do that.' If I was a director or producer or whatever for Barbershop 2 (thank god they did a sequel to this movie, by the way), I would LOVE to get Eve's valuable input on how her character should act. If she had said this in my movie, my response would be "Oh hey, you're right, and what do you know, it turns out your character now contracts ear -herpes! Crazy world isn't it! Any other suggestions?"

Rap Sheet: She's in "The Woodsman," voiced a character in "XIII" and will be in "The Cookout." She also has her own UPN series, which sucks as much balls as you've probably guessed it does.

Best Role: Sure, he's been in big ensemble films like "Any Given Sunday," "S.W.A.T." and "Rollerball," but he really showed his humor, drama and good swimming ability as Sherman "Preacher" Dudley in "Deep Blue Sea" with his sidekick, a foul-mouthed parrot.

Oh my god, where to begin. First of all, Rollerball was fabulous, and I really think there was more James Todd Smith in that character than I've ever seen before. Yes, definitely good stuff. One delighted critic reviewed Rollerball and gave it the rave review: "It felt like a scorpion was stinging my brain for two hours." However, nothing says totally hilarious like a parrot that tells toilet-humour jokes. The best part of Deep Blue Sea was that Jimbo Todd Smith gets eaten by a shark. The worst part about Deep Blue Sea was that it got made in the first place.

Rap Sheet: His first big role was "Halloween H20" and he is a voice in "Rugrats Go Wild!" but his best true visual ass-reaming is yet to come. In "Mindhunters," coming this summer, he's part of an elite FBI crime team who get picked off one by one by a serial killer. Then, he's a gang leader in "Slow Burn" later this year and is beginning to shoot the thriller "Edison" for 2005 with Justin Timberlake's starring film debut. LL Cool J will be playing Thomas Edison, inventor of some stuff. Producers of the movie have said, "Sure Thomas Edison might not be black, but we really feel that a minor plot hole is worth having as talented an actor as LL Cool J." Justin Timberlake is also scheduled to appear as the lead role in "Inspiration: The Martin Luther King story".

Best Role: He's played a lot of roles, but his "Friday" persona as Craig Jones who's carousing and boozing on his front stoop is far more interesting than the namby-pamby do-gooder he plays in "Barbershop" movies. "Yeah, I think I'm more like Craig anyway, so there will always be 'Friday' films in the works," he assures us.

I'll never understand why Friday is considered such an awesome movie. It's about two guys that smoke a bunch of pot, then basically just hang around the ghetto for the day. Wow, nothing says great film like smoking pot and then doing nothing. They don't even do anything cool when they're stoned. Fortunately, it sounds like Ice Cube has decided he can stretch the "smoke-pot and sit around on our asses" type of movie into at least a couple more movies. Beat that dead horse Ice!

Rap Sheet: For every great role under his belt in movies like "Three Kings," "Boyz 'N the Hood" and "The Players Club," there's a dud like "Ghost of Mars," "Torque" or "Anaconda." At least he got to work with a giant snake (oh, and J. Lo, too.) Look for him replacing the urinal mint at a bathroom near you!

The Lowdown: Would you name your son Tracy?

Hmm, fact is, I kind of like Ice Tracy. His rapping really sucked ass in Breakin' 1 though - I know, because I own the DVD, and I watch it almost daily. I can't believe that they didn't put New Jack City as his best role. Come on, one of his lines was "I want to bust that guy so much it makes my dick hard". That's gold!

Seriously, the whole rapper cross-over is probably the worst thing to happen to movies since critics started describing films like In Da House as "A non-stop laugh ride". Next time you are tempted to go see a movie with a rapper in it, just heat up a needle, and stick it in your eye. Better yet, call me and I'll come over and do it for you!