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So here’s the thing.  I learned pretty early on that support sucks.

On my soccer team, I was our sweeper.  I was good at it, because I was really fast, and I could deal with almost anyone that came into my zone.  The sweeper’s role is to act as the last defendant before the goalie.  Because the goalie has such a large area of net to cover, the sweeper really needs to take away any ability of the opposing forward to get within range to score a goal.

I took all of that and made it into an incredible amount of pressure.  Because the goalie had such a massive area to defend, it was really on me to stop the opposing team.  And if I didn’t, and the opposing team scored, it was really symbolic of a failure on my part.

The concept of team eventually grew to mean added pressure, without any benefit.  It wasn’t like the forwards or the mid-fielders were there to stop people once they’d reached me.  It was me against the world.

And, because of how I’d created it, it wasn’t like the goalie was really allowed to share in my loss either.  He didn’t stop the goal, but how could he – he had such a huge net to deal with.

I had two other defenders on my team as well, but they weren’t the sweeper.  Sure, they could hamper the other team, but they didn’t really have the responsibility that I did.  They weren’t sweeping!  That was my job.  My duty.

No.  Any failure for the team in the form of a goal being scored against us represented a failure of myself.

This was the point when I created team as burden.

At home, we had chores.

After dinner, my brother and I either had to do dishes, or clear the table.  Obviously clearing the table was the better job, because it was faster, and you were done before the guy that got stuck doing dishes.

Although after-dinner chores were miles better than having to bring in firewood (you either had to wear uncomfortable gloves or risk getting painful splinters), they still sucked.  In general, they were something to deal with and put behind you as soon as possible.

Now and then, I would feel charitable and want to make my parents really impressed with who I was.  I would volunteer to help out with the dishes, even though it wasn’t my job.  You may not be able to appreciate the magnanimity of this action, but suffice to say that it was only one peg below the sum total of Robin Hood’s life.  I was being generous.

The shitty thing was that instead of being thankful, I had the flaws in my dishwashing technique pointed out.

Back came the dishes.

“Hey, it’s great that you’re helping, but you still need to do a good job”.

And, although there was what appeared to be gratitude and thanks in that statement, it was irrelevant, because it was magically erased by the power of the word “but” (the only word that can make people forget things better than “sorry”).

That was when I created supporting other people to mean that you could expect a lack of gratitude and more work than you signed up for.

Getting supported on things like homework really just meant more work too.  I knew that if I asked for help with my homework, it would really mean having to do my work differently than I wanted to, or that I would have to do it “better”.  It was simpler just to do it myself.

Did you ever have to do group projects at school?

I did too.  They inevitably meant that I was the one that cared the most about our grades, and that if I didn’t bust my ass, I would be the one losing out (since no one else seemed to care).

So it was here that I created asking or being supported simply meant that I would be no better off and would likely have to do more work to support the people that were supposed to be supporting me.

Here’s the deal:

This is no longer supporting me.

In fact, it is completely bankrupt.

I am taking on things in my life that are far beyond what I have taken on before.  I cannot make good on the commitments that I am up to without support.  I can go on believing my old stories about support, and in fact, if I want to, it won’t be hard for me to find evidence that proves that I’m correct.

I won’t need to look hard to find proof that in asking for support, I’m actually creating more work for myself.  I’ve honed my vision to see exactly that.  It’s predictable and it’s what I’ve been seeking evidence for ever since I first got helped with my homework.

I don’t want to do that anymore.  I want to create something new.

Last month, I posted a link to these Fluevog shoes on Facebook, and I asked for support in helping me get them.

All I needed was to have two people observing our group of participants at Accomplishment Coaching.  It’s kind of weird, because this is a huge opportunity to see some people really working through some serious stuff.  It’s pretty inspiring.

And while I got some positive feedback, and a few likes on Facebook, I didn’t actually get a lot of support beyond that.

And it’s okay, because it’s okay that support doesn’t show up the way I want it to.

But now I’m asking for more support.  I’m asking that you actually share my link, and that you make a little more effort than simply clicking that “like” button.

I’m not asking for money – just that you think of someone you know that might be interested, and pass this along to them.

Here’s what I’m playing for this time:

1. an entirely new way of looking at support;
2. being and providing support for the growth of my wife and her team;
3. a huge breakthrough for me around being supported;
4. getting supported in a career that is way outside what is comfortable for me; and, most importantly
5. these shoes, which are much better than the crappy black ones that I didn’t get because I didn’t meet my goal:

So, my request is simple:

• check in and see if you know anyone living in Seattle, and put them in touch with me via e-mail;
• if you’ve been considering heading down to Seattle (these beautiful shoes were purchased there at Nordstrom Rack on the cheap), let me know and maybe we can coordinate; and
• pass this post along to anyone you know that is either struggling with some of their own stuff, interested in creating a change in their life, or have mentioned coaching as a career at some point.

Asking for support this way is embarrassing for me.  I create stories that it means I’m inferior, or not good enough to the task.  I create stories that it’s going to be more trouble than it’s worth, and that people will judge me for it.  I have interpretations that you will think that it’s pathetic that I’ve chosen a career path that actually embraces asking for support, instead of taking it all on myself.

And that’s fine too.  It’s okay that I have these stories.

I’m just up to something bigger.  I promise that every time you see me wearing these shoes, you will smile knowing that you were part of the team that created them.

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For display today is my overwhelm cycle.  This is the cycle through which I generally move when I’m working on something.  The purpose of posting and gaining awareness of a cycle like this is that it enables us to become more aware of where we’re at, and to choose points to break out of our default.

No judgment here, no right or wrong – it’s simply another thing to be with.

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A toast to the graduating class of UVic Law, 2012.  It’s hard to believe that it’s been three years since I returned to school.  Hard to believe that only two years ago I was overwhelmed with the amount of reading that I needed to do to stay on top of everything.  What a contrast that makes with this year, having bought zero textbooks and done very little reading, I am imbued with the confidence that I will still do well on my finals.  What a difference time can make.

The end is bittersweet.  I have made friendships these three years that will last a lifetime (and I will declare right here that I am committed to ensuring that they do).  These three years have been trying, but the hottest fire forges the strongest steel, and that is analogous to the kind of relationships you develop throughout education like this.  Sadly, and perhaps beautifully, all things must come to an end.  That is part of growth.  If things don’t end, it impacts our ability to move forward.

Our graduation formal was this past weekend, at the Union Club in Victoria.  In the month leading up to the event, our graduating class nominated and then voted on a faculty member and two students to represent our class by speaking.  When I was told by a good friend that she had nominated me I was touched.  Then a few more people told me the same thing.  I went from being touched to a little nervous.  What if these people actually voted for me?  I waffled between really wanting to speak, and being nervous about what I would say, and how I would prepare my speech. What do you say to such an inspiring group of people?

Then, a week or so ago, my friend Darcy and I found out that we had been voted to speak.  I was (and still am) deeply humbled and honoured.  What an incredible privilege!  How the hell would I live up to it?!  I knew that the answer to that question was to simply speak from the heart.

The themes I wanted to speak to were: connection, inspiration, opportunity and acceptance.  Beyond that, I had a loose quote that I knew I wanted to incorporate, and went from there.  I wrote the speech in a few hours in the morning before going to class. Once written, I didn’t do too much editing.  A little cursory stuff here and there, but for the most part, the words rang true when I sat down to write them, and they didn’t require too much tweaking.

Before I share what I spoke with you, I would like to thank every member of my cohort for doing me this incredible honour.  It is touching and inspiring to have been able to meet and work with such a humbling group of people.  In selecting me, my graduating class taught me more about myself and my perceptions than I could have imagined.  Did you know that for most of my life I’ve walked around assuming that most people like me in a superficial manner, but don’t care to get to know me on a deeper level?  Moments like these act as a beacon shining on the darker recesses of our ego.

So thank you.  Thank you for helping me check those assumptions.  Thank you for challenging me.  Thank you for creating a space for acceptance, growth and vulnerability.

Without further ado, here is what I spoke this past weekend:

To UVic Law’s 2012 Graduating Class

We each started this journey for different reasons.  Some of us want to change the world.  Some of us want to get rich.  Some of us just want a job.  During these three short years, those expectations have been tested.  Poked at.  Prodded.  Challenged.  The way that we thought things would work out may not have turned out to be true.  Our own ambitions and desires may have changed.  Maybe through disillusionment, maybe through new opportunities, but always because of new insight.

If there is one thing that law school has made abundantly clear, it’s that life does not turn out the way it should.

Some people ask, “Where is the proof that life will not turn out the way that it ‘should’?. The proof exists in our lives to date.  If you died at this moment, how would you feel about your life?  There is no doubt about the outcome.  You would be satisfied in some ways and dissatisfied in others.  There would still be one piece missing.  What if you had died ten years ago?  The particulars might change, but there would still be no doubt about the outcome.  You would still be able to distinguish areas that were satisfactory and others that were not.

Now look ahead, ten, twenty, or fifty years from now – to the end of your life.  There is still no doubt about the outcome.  You would still be satisfied in some ways and dissatisfied in others.  When you consider the enormity of what it means to “make life work out the way it ‘should,’ ” can you plausibly argue that you would be any closer in the future than you have been in the past?  Life does not work out the way it ‘should’ work out, nor does it turn out the way it ‘shouldn’t’.  It works out the way it does work out.  And this will remain true at the moment of our deaths, just as it remains true during all other moments.  Life turns out the way it does.

I’m telling you this not to depress and rain on the rest of our lives, but rather to encourage all of us to embrace the embarrassment of riches that life provides us with.  There is no gift that we can give ourselves greater than that of perspective.  What may initially appear to be a failure, can be seen in new light as an opportunity.  The universe is abundant, and so too are the opportunities and choices that we are provided with each day in our lives.  Every missed deadline, an opportunity to see where we can improve our own processes.  Every week of stress, an opportunity to see whether or not we are pursuing what really matters.  Every breakdown an opportunity to have a breakthrough.  Every goodbye, an opportunity to reflect on what we’ve gained in knowing each other.

Life is beautiful.  Beautiful and elegant because of its fragility.  How tenuous and tempestuous the moments it creates are.  It is not on us to control the universe, only to be maximally authentic, to be our very best selves, in the face of whatever it has in store for us.  To ask from those around us what we want, and to commit to achieving that.

On that note, I invite all of us to reflect on how we wish to remember these past three years.  A lot of hoops to jump through?  Yup, definitely.  Tedious at times?  No doubt.  But also, an opportunity to connect, and create new friendships.  The opportunity to challenge the way we think, and to better ourselves by broadening our perspectives.

Part of what makes life beautiful is that it ends.  And so too, do these three years we have shared together.  Is there any logic, any rationale as to why this particular group of people have come together to graduate at this time?  There is not.  We are simply here, because that is how life has turned out.  It is on each of us to make of this moment, and these three years, whatever we wish.  It can be something we look back on as tedious and tiresome, or a beautiful gift, created by the universe without reason, and with the only obligation being that we allow ourselves to see it as the opportunity it has been.

So go forward from this moment, committed to embrace the opportunities that you are presented with.  Committed not to expect from life that it works out as it should, but that it will work out as it does.  Committed to live our lives, and be who we are, regardless of what the universe presents to us.

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Alright.  This post is part 2 of 12 in my series about the current set of training that I am undergoing in my career as a life and career coach.  If you want to get caught up, part 1 is available here.

I went over to Vancouver on Friday night, at the end of the school week.  I’d just finished up a phone interview with GenoLogics in which it seemed they were looking for someone more technical than my skillset currently provided for.  Not a particularly empowering experience.  But that was okay, because I was excited about this weekend’s training.

I packed my stuff, kissed Bay goodbye, and headed out to the ferry.  I finished up part 1 of this series on the ferry ride over, drove in to town, and walked up to Quizno’s to get dinner.  I ended the night chatting with some friends and then got to bed.  Getting up at 4:30AM means getting to bed early too.

Then I hit a snag…

Omens

I woke up at 4:30, tired, but excited about the coming two days.  In fact, I was practically buzzing with energy – my passion was sitting close to the surface.  I walked out of the bedroom and marched with authority to the shower.  My thoughts went like this:

“Man, I am so excited.  Let’s plan the morning out.  Eat breakfast, get in the car, drive with good music down the quiet roads to the border…”

“F*CK!!” (sorry if the language is offensive.  It’s authentic to how I felt)

I had forgotten my passport.

I HAD FORGOTTEN MY PASSPORT!

I had forgotten my passport..

What would you do in a situation like this?  Here’s what I did.

At first I checked to make sure this was the case.  I already knew it was.  I could remember exactly the process I used to pack.  I had absolutely neglected to put my passport in my bag (it hadn’t even occurred to me).

Okay, first things first – I still had to shower, no matter what.  As I got ready to do that, I gave myself five minutes to be angry, sad, furious, whatever with myself.  Beat myself up if I wanted, regret that I was going to miss some of my training, whatever.

Then I committed to shifting.  This was what was.  To speak in more abstract terms, this is what the universe has presented me with.  What was I going to do with it?

When something happens, it happens.  There’s nothing we can do to change it, only to be fluid in the moment.  We can’t control the universe, only be present to what we’re given.  So how was I going to be fluid?

As I dressed for the day, I went through my options in my head:

1. Catch the ferry back, drive home, get my passport, drive back, catch the ferry, drive down to Seattle.  Arrive at around 4PM.
2. Catch the ferry back, get Bay to meet me at the Clipper, and potentially catch it down to Seattle.  Get a hotel room for another night.  Possibly not even an option.
3. Catch the ferry back, get Bay to meet me at the floatplane terminal, and catch a floatplane down to Seattle.  Get a hotel room for another night.  Arrive at around 11:30AM.

Option #1 was simply far too late.  Option #2 was not an actual option as the Clipper sucks to catch from Victoria (awkward hours).  That left option #3.

At this point, I had two choices: Be disempowered by the decision, or empowered.  Was I going to be a victim, at effect with what had happened, or would I be a leader, at cause to what had happened?

I chose to lead.  I looked at the positives.  I had ridden the floatplanes before – they were beautiful.  I’d be able to take some really great pictures (which I did).  And it would give me a chance to stay over in Seattle another night and hang out with my team for longer.  And at least I wasn’t spending four hours driving.

So, with my attitude shifted and my perspective framed in the positive, I headed back, met up with Bay and then flew down.  Bay was phenomenally supportive and I’m incredibly grateful for her support.  She met me at the floatplane terminal with my passport after having gotten only 4 hours of sleep.  What a woman!

The rest of the weekend

I arrived and excitedly greeted my team members.  It had been a month since we’d seen each other and it seemed like such a long time.  Going through a transformational process like this, and getting to see people you are working with in such a distinguished light really builds a strong bond.  We hugged, said hi, and then sat down.

I arrived just in time to leave for lunch.  We chose people to go for lunch with, based on who we currently were the least connected with.  The new girl chose me, since I had just arrived.  Fine with me!

At lunch, I felt awkward.  I was having a hard time getting a good conversation going, and when I feel like I can’t connect with someone, I start to babble like an idiot.  It’s not that I’m a bad conversationalist – in fact I’m great.  It’s just that I end up speaking a lot, in order to fill the silences.  The moments where conversation die down really start to terrify me.

One of the great things I learned this weekend was about my judgments.  More specifically, that they are about me, not the person I’m judging.  We often have a tendency to notice something, and judge the other person.  Everyone is their own person, doing their own thing.  They are responsible for their own actions and thoughts, and we can’t change them.

The judgment is actually an opportunity to learn something about yourself.  Where is that judgment coming from?  Why do you feel that way?  What is it about this person that is triggering you?

I spoke up and noted how I felt at lunch, and requested some coaching on it.  The team took turns working with me, and I was really surprised to find out that what lay underneath all of this was that when people don’t respond to me in a way that generally would indicate they like me (ie, by making conversation with me, laughing with me, holding eye contact, etc.), I start to feel deeply inadequate.

Wow!  This was a big realization, and it all flowed out from the starting point of noting how I felt when someone was really quiet and not connected with me.  (and I was judging her for that too, to be fair).

Judgments often provide us with an opportunity to discover a place where we have either over- or under-learned something.  If I judge someone for checking out a girl, that might be an indication that I’ve overlearned being polite.  Sure, it’s great to be respectful of people around you, but at some point, you need to engage with people.  There’s a difference between being lecherous and noticing someone attractive.

I judge people that are poorly put together and look like they don’t put effort into their appearance.  But what does that say about me?  Probably that I am overly concerned with appearance, and that I could learn a little bit about relaxing from this person.

When you first read this, you may be tempted to shout (mentally) “But it’s not about me, it’s about them!”  With time (less so, if you engage in coaching), we got to the bottom of it.  Take note and be present to the fact that you are the one being triggered.  That other person is simply being who they are.  The judgment comes from within you.  You are the one responsible for it.  Don’t offload that responsibility onto someone else.

Breakthroughs, breakdowns and commitment

One of the epiphanies that I had this weekend was related to the relationship between breakthroughs, breakdowns and commitment.

Breakthroughs are what we all want.  They’re the exciting (and scary) part of growth.  They’re the point where we experience our epiphany and move beyond the existing structures that we have in place to something new.  It feels great when you have that breakthrough moment.  You know that things will be different going forward.  Of course, you’ll eventually normalize this new place, and will then begin seeking the next breakthrough, but that’s okay – that’s what this game is all about.

Breakdowns must proceed breakthroughs.  You can’t have a breakthrough without one.  In order to achieve  new areas of growth, we need to push beyond where we are comfortable.  Doing so will naturally trigger our self-defences, and will require a moment of having them break down around us before we can fully immerse ourselves in that area of unknown and experience our growth.

Where does commitment fit into this?  Well, you can’t have a breakdown without having commitment.  If you are not committed to the change you are seeking, it will become easy to turn back when you are faced with a moment of breakdown.  Breakdowns are scary – they require you to remain outside of your comfort zone and just be.  To sit with that feeling of discomfort.  Without a commitment to back this up, we will naturally retreat back to what we know.

Here is one of the great powers of working with a coach.  Not only are you working on your stuff, and creating breakdowns and subsequent breakthroughs with great velocity, but you also have accountability and commitment built in to the process.  Coaching isn’t cheap, nor should it be.  It’s an investment in ourselves.  The price is a good thing, given the kind of work that we’re doing.  When you’re getting something for free, your commitment to its success is not going to be significant (if present at all).  When you are paying a decent amount of money to create the change you want, you’re going to be invested in and committed to it.

Further, you’re supported throughout that breakdown.  A coach stands for you, even when you are unable to stand yourself.  Your coach is there to hold the place for you that you have affirmed you are striving for.

Powerful change is challenging.  Most of us assume that we will simply be able to push through whatever barriers stand in our way when we want something enough.  In actuality, the kind of changes that we’re talking about are deep and fundamental, and get into the sticky areas where our context and self-defence mechanisms get in our own way.

The stuff that gets in the way of our growth and development at these points is the same stuff that always gets in our way (not enough time, not enough money, too many other things I have to do, my partner wouldn’t let me do that, my kids need me, etc.). These reasons genuinely seem real and valid to us, especially when we’re at the verge of major breakthroughs.

A coach’s job is to keep you open to the realm of possibility.  Sure, money is something that needs to be considered, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have options.  How might you make that money available?.  Your spouse won’t be okay with this change?  Why not?  Can you talk to them about it?  What’s really in the way?  You don’t have time to make these changes?  What kind of game are we playing for here?  This is what you’ve identified matters most – what is taking up your time that is more valuable than that?

Commitment becomes easiest to break when we’re on the verge of a breakdown – that’s when our self-defences are running highest.  That’s the point where it becomes easiest to turn away from the breakthrough we are aiming for and retreat back to what is comfortable.

Closing out the weekend

I can feel a shift starting to take place.  The process that I’m going through requires a fairly substantial change in my thinking.  Coming from a place of simply being present to who I am, rather than acting automatically and predictably, is a bit of a departure from what I’m used to.

As a kid I would even go as far as strategizing and planning out my conversations on the phone and in person.  As you can imagine, this didn’t leave a lot of room for simply being present and going with the flow.  Switching from this approach to one that is based around simply putting myself into the world, openly and authentically..  Well, it’s taking time and effort.

But as I said, I can feel a shift.  I’m starting to get this, and things are starting to click for me.  Little by little, and with the support of my coach, I’m beginning to step into my own role in this existence, and I’m alive with the possibility!

Interested?

That’s all for now, but I will certainly continue on with this series as the months go forward.

I am looking for clients.  Specifically I’m looking to work with brilliant polymaths aged mid-20s to late-30s.  That is to say, people that are successful in a variety of areas, and recognize that they can shine brightly.  These people are wondering “I’ve achieved success… why is it so boring?  Isn’t there something more?”, “I know I’m capable of brilliance – why haven’t I taken off yet?” or maybe even where all of their time has gone.

If this sounds like you, or you know someone that might be interested in talking with me, please let me know.  I want to work with you and your friends!

Thank you for your continued support and reading.  I have definitely embarked on a challenging and unique journey, and I can’t be successful without your help.  Take care of yourself and stay tuned!

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This post is a month overdue.  As part of my career choice, I have started a one year long coach training program in Seattle through a group called Accomplishment Coaching.  As part of my ongoing attempt to connect and share, it only dawned on me tonight that this would be a great thing to blog about.

I’m currently on the ferry over to Vancouver, preparing to drive down to Seattle tomorrow morning to attend the second weekend of training.  I’ll blog about that process on my way home.  Tonight I’ll be writing about last month’s session, and how it went.

The Background

I’ll start by setting the context.  Almost a year ago now, I began taking on clients and attended some training through Erickson Coaching Federation.  Although I was not able, at the time, to attend the entire course, I drew a good deal from the intensive four days of training, and it set me on the ground and provided me with a lot of tools to use in my practice.

However, as I’ve grown as a coach and worked with a larger and more diverse group of clients, I’ve noticed situations where a critical moment or breakthrough was close for the client, but I did not have the tools and approaches to guide them through that (this is a big part of what you are hiring me to do – guide and empower you to achieve your critical breakthroughs with grace and efficiency).

It became clear to me that I was ready for more training, and I was eager to start as soon as possible.  Initially I planned to return to Erickson and complete my training there.  However, in the meantime, I needed to do something.  I began networking and met with a coach, Halle, here in Victoria.  She had attended training through Accomplishment Coaching, and it immediately became clear in our first conversation that she had access to insight that I wanted (and wanted to be able to provide to my clients).

Halle didn’t just talk about how to clear up exactly what the client wanted, but also described understanding what lay beneath that, and the process of shifting people’s assumptions and foundations – their context.  Sure, completing that project at work that’s been sitting on your desk for a year feels great, but what if what you actually want, but have not yet been clear on (or able to admit), is to shift to a whole new position (or career even)?

Changing the underlying context creates powerful shifts in people that are lasting and deeply meaningful.  Even though I didn’t understand the process or approach, I knew as soon as I heard it described that this was the kind of coach I wanted to be for my clients.  Someone who can generate powerful change and empower them to thrive.

The lead-up

The decision to attend Accomplishment Coaching was challenging for both Bay and I.  I understood what I wanted to do, but we needed to figure out a way to make it work financially, and within the set of stuff that we each had on our plates.  Going to Seattle is a lot more complicated than simply taking a ferry over to Vancouver!

After much planning and deliberation, we concluded that we could make it work, and committed to the decision.  Halle also played a large role in supporting me reaching this decision without pushing me into it.

With the decision made and committed to, it was simply a matter of waiting until I headed down.

Saturday

I got up at 4:30AM (!) and drove down to Seattle from Vancouver.  That is ludicrously early, but once you’ve committed to it, it’s quite a nice peaceful drive, and there’s something special about being awake and doing something in both the late hours of the night and the early hours of the morning.

When I arrived at our class, I smiled and said hello to all of the people milling about in the lobby.  A consecutive group runs on the same weekend, but began in June, rather than January like us.  I introduced myself to a group and started chatting with them.

I must admit that I was approaching this weekend with some arrogance.  I had already undertaken training, had paying clients, and was actively coaching and doing introductory sessions with anyone that was interested.  I felt like I already knew a lot of what was going to happen.  Put differently, I think I may have lost sight of the reason that I signed up for this program (or at least the significance and impact that this approach to coaching can have).

We went through some basic stuff to start off, and then took turns getting to know each other individually on a fairly fundamental level.  Ultimately the aim was to see someone for who they truly were, without any of themselves getting in the way.  Not only that, but how were we each getting in the way of ourselves?

Does some of this raise your scientific hackles?  It did for me too.  But that’s okay.  I believe in this, and I’m hoping that by reading about my own journey, you will soften and be able to see beyond that automatic reaction.

My turn

At this point, you’re probably wondering the same thing that I was wondering: What was I doing to get in my own way?  I spent a lot of time on growth and improving myself.  What was I doing that was to my own detriment?  What would everyone see in me?

It’s kind of funny: sitting their watching the other volunteers go through this process (often involving plenty of tears), you end up strategizing.  ”Well, what if they say this?  Well I’ve already done that, and I think I’m okay with it, so I’m okay”, etc.  Talking with the rest of my team afterwards, we realized we were all doing this.

I put up my hand and got up to go next.  What the heck was it going to be?

The answer?

My inability to expose vulnerability.  Let me say it again in big letters:

My inability to expose vulnerability

When you read this, it will just look like I’ve used a larger font.  It may impact on you a little bit better that way, but otherwise, it’s just larger letters.  But when you’re confronted with your own mechanisms, it is astounding how deeply it resonates with you.

First and foremost, because you are generally terrible at identifying and seeing it.  We construct these mechanisms at a very early age.  It’s how we protect our ego from harm, and get through the world.  It’s the means by which we avoid being hurt.  Not physically hurt, but emotionally and spiritually.

Second, because it’s been a part of you for so long, hearing it stated clearly for you resonates on an incredibly deep level.  Of COURSE that’s what I do.  It’s been that way ever since I moved schools and didn’t know anyone.  I saw kids in junior high school exposed and vulnerable, and getting made fun of as a result.  If I was able to lock that out, people couldn’t get at me.  I could be brilliant, creative and funny, but only when I was able to have control over the situation.  If I lost control, it would become possible for vulnerability to be exposed, and then who knows how much I could be hurt.

Once you’re triggered, you kind of just sit there thinking about all of the places where this contraption has been present.

• Awkward pause in the conversation?  Break eye contact.
• Walking to the bus and there are two acquaintances I know from school but am not really friends with them?  Adjust walking speed so that I don’t have to talk to them.
• Want to chat with someone but don’t know them too well?  Talk to them over e-mail or IM
• Worried about not fitting in?  Wear headphones and be engrossed in whatever I’m doing.  I can even convince myself that I’m not upset no one ever sits beside me at school.

Cleaning up the mess

As an ontological coach, what I am trained to do is see people for who they truly are, in their purest state of being.  No self-defence mechanism firing, no concern about judgment, no fears, no suffering, etc.  What are the set of qualities that you bring to the table when you are able to be yourself, unfettered and unhindered?  And how can we bring that more to the forefront while working on the projects that you identify as being important?

I ended with new resolve to work on myself.  This was a huge moment of awareness and I did not want it to slip away.  I went for a beer with some teammates and we chatted about our own stuff.

One of the great ironies of being exposed to your own stuff is that you look at everyone else and think “Gee, I wish I had that issue, that would be so easy to address”.  Which makes perfect sense, because it’s not yours.  If it was, it would be much harder to deal with.  I suspect many of my teammates thought “Gee, just expose some vulnerability?  The key is just unlocking it from the inside?  That must be nice” – just like I was doing when I heard their contraptions brought forward.

Since then

Since completing this, I’ve been working weekly with my coach to move forward.  I’ve taken some really big steps.  First, let me share my own essence with you, so that you have an understanding of where I’m coming from.  I am:

• Connection
• Wit
• Presence
• Passion
• Brilliance

(Sounds pretty cool right?).

As often as possible, I’ve been making an effort to act from this place of being, rather than doing what comes automatically out of my self-defence.  First day going back to school, I walked up to the bus stop and made an effort to smile to everyone I could.  And then I saw two people from second year at the bus stop.  I nodded to them and they nodded back – I had actually met one of them, Ben, before when I volunteered at the Fernwood Legal Aid Clinic, but I don’t think he recognized me.

I felt like, acting from a place of connection, I should be talking to them – connecting with them, dammit!  But those defences were firing strong.  So I didn’t.  Then our bus came, and we got on.  I followed them to the back, sat down beside them, and said “Ben right?”.  From there we just talked.

If this seems small and trivial to you, you probably don’t share the same anxieties and self-defences with me.  For me, this was a major victory, and incredibly empowering.  I was acting from a place of being, rather than doing something automatic (shut them out, put in the headphones, and believe that I was happy to be engaged with myself).

This month has been a consistent thread of events like this one I’ve just described.  It’s challenging, but recognizing that I am connection has been transformative.  I have what I need to not only act in accordance with my essence, but also to handle the potential of being hurt.  And let me tell you, acting in alignment with your essence is pretty damn empowering.

This should set the stage for what will happen over the coming year.  I’m excited to share it with you, and to continue to grow in this manner.  If reading this has inspired you, please, make the effort to connect yourself and get in touch with me or leave a comment.

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It’s hard to be human.

It’s difficult to fully expose who we are, and to be comfortable putting that person out there, regardless of any judgment that may result from it.

We all know that other people may judge us, but how often do you devote thought to the fact that you are probably also judging yourself every time you expose vulnerability?

Getting comfortable with who we are includes accepting and indeed, loving, all of our emotions and feelings, including the negative ones.

The fact that you feel negative at the moment does not make you a negative person.  The fact that right now, you feel angry and resentful, does not make you an angry, resentful person.

It has been years since I’ve cried openly.  It’s not because I don’t feel overwhelmed with emotion at times (in fact, I do, often).  Rather, it’s that as soon as I begin to feel that way, I clamp down and assert control over how I am feeling.

Why?

To protect myself.  To prevent myself from experiencing emotions that I judge weak, or negative, or unhelpful.  To ensure that I am a positive person, and not a negative one.

I currently feel overwhelmed, some despair, and at times, like I’m throwing life away.  That doesn’t mean that I’m in over my head, suffering depression, or a failure.  It just means that I too experience emotions like overwhelm and fear.

I am working to embrace these emotions as part of who I am, and to share them more openly.  I invite you to do the same.

It’s hard to be human – but it’s worth it.

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I’m on a ferry right now heading off to the first of what will be twelve intensive weekends spent in Seattle, attending more training related to coaching.  Victoria has just experienced a terrible week of weather, and while the rain seems to have settled a little bit, it’s dark and gloomy outside.  The lights are a little dimmer on the ferry, and the air is peaceful and quiet.  Most of the people beside me are working on their laptops.  One person is watching the latest Louis CK special and is not laughing out loud – clearly he’s crazy.

With this set playing from Nick Lewis, I’m feeling productive, so let’s get started.

Values?

I guess that’s got to be the first question.  What does it even mean when someone starts talking about values?  The term is being thrown around a fair bit these days, and I suspect that is often especially true when the economy is in a recession.  This strikes me as reasonable, since money represents one of the easiest ways to get distracted from what is really important to you.

Values are what genuinely matter to us.  They’re the things that, when we remove all distractions and look deep within ourselves, motivate our decisions.  Values are the reasons eating vegan is important to some people, but a waste of money to other people.

When you find yourself arguing with someone and both of you walk away convinced that you’re right and the other person is an idiot, it’s likely a case of the two of you holding different values.  It’s not that they’re ignorant because they don’t recognize the suffering that animals suffer, nor that you’re an idiot because you spend more money than you need to on things that aren’t that important.  One person simply holds money in high value (economics is a strong motivator for them) while the other person holds equality of animals and people in high value (justice is probably a strong motivator for them).

We generally feel our values at a very visceral level, and often act without being aware of them or how they are affecting our choices.  It might just be second-nature to you that you recycle certain things, but the extent to which you recycle is likely a function of your values.

Likewise, almost everyone does some kind of financial budgeting in their lives, but the degree to which they do so, as well as the emphasis they place on various things in their budget, is often a reflection of their values.  People that put a high amount of money away for investing probably hold economics and security in high regard.

But… boundaries?

Great question, me!  But first, what do I mean by boundaries?

Boundaries are our ability to set and maintain strong … boundaries.  Boundaries come into play constantly in our lives.  Here are just a few examples:

• Your boss comes in to your office and says “Hey, I’m going to need you to stay later tonight than you would normally have”, but provides no reason.  Whether you accept or reject this request is a function of how strong a boundary you put around your own time.
• A friend shows up on your doorstep and says “Hey, I’m bored and thought I’d stop by for dinner”.  Whether or not you feel compelled to oblige them (notwithstanding whether or not you actually want to) is a function of your boundaries.
• One of your divorced parents says “I’m going to need you to let your other parent know that they’re not welcome here any more”.  How you decide to act (notwithstanding whether or not that parent is justified in their statement) is a function of the boundaries you have set with your parents.

Boundaries are terribly important.  For one, they make it easier to turn down unwanted requests when they come our way.  Being mentally aware of what you are and are not willing to do goes a long way toward actually acting on it.  For another, the more times you act on a given boundary, the stronger you become in maintaining it.  Routine builds foundation.

Boundaries even help us with little things we would never imagine, like the socialization that happens around Christmas time.  If you have strong boundaries around what you will pay for a Christmas gift, you are better able to resist the social norming and marketing that imposes on us a duty to spend ever increasing amounts of money on gifts.  (“But they got me something really expensive last year, I should spend more this year!”)

The interplay

So how do these two concepts interact?  Very closely, actually.

First and foremost, it’s all fine and good to make a statement like “From now on, I will not let myself be taken advantage of in this way”.  But if you don’t understand why that is important to you, it becomes easier and easier to bargain and compromise with yourself the next time you’re put in that situation.

It may sound odd for me to suggest that we would bargain and compromise with ourselves in order to alter our boundaries at the very moment when we should be most committed to them.  However, it’s actually quite simple.  Boundaries come into play when you are facing pressure to act a certain way.  That pressure can come in many forms, but is most commonly social pressure.  Pressure from the person standing on your doorstep making a request of you, pressure from your relatives at Christmas-time and pressure from your boss asking you to stay later.

When we feel this pressure, the weaker and less affirmed our boundaries are, the easier it is for us to give in to the perceived social pressure and make compromises and bargains.  When your boss asks you to stay later and your boundary was only “I will not stay later more this month”, your train of reasoning will likely look something like:

“Well, he does have a point, there is a lot of work that needs to get done, and I can always go for a romantic dinner with my husband another night”.

Because the boundary itself does not have any inherent meaning to us, we are put in a position where we are more willing to acquiesce to the pressure and than find a way to rationalize it against the context of the boundary.  When we are faced with this kind of pressure, and our boundaries are simply words that we have stated only internally, we have nothing to focus on but the request being made.

Now, contrast that with a boundary that is backed and understood in the context of our values.  Understanding why a boundary is important to us makes it that much more real, and it instills the boundary at a more visceral level.  When we are faced with the same question, instead of being left in the position where we bargain with ourselves to reason why it’s okay to stay, we are now in a position where the question becomes:

“Am I willing to compromise my values of family and romance in order to stay later tonight?”

Do you see how much more powerful that question is?

Get to know yourself

Understanding who you are and what is most important to you is an integral factor in establishing firm boundaries and maintaining what is most important to you.  There is no end to the pressures exerted on us in our daily lives, and they come from every angle, most often unintentionally and covertly.  Due to how out of tune many of us are with our own values, we often don’t even realize that they have been trod upon.  All that we note is our unhappiness after the interaction.

Take note of the times when you find yourself making statements that are couched in the language of boundaries, and try to ask yourself why it is important to you.   Rather than focusing on what you do not want to have happen in the future, shift your focus to what you would like to have happen, and how that is important to you.  Move the conversation away from boundaries and into the context of your values.

Summary

Finally, the summary:

• Values are an incredibly important aspect of who we are.  They guide and direct many of our actions, most of the time subconsciously;
• Boundaries allow us to resist social and other forms of pressure.  Having strong boundaries goes a long way toward protecting yourself and your time, and allows you to act in ways that are more authentic to who you are; and
• Boundaries that are not connected to our values are easier to compromise and bargain away.  The strength of and commitment that you have toward your boundaries is a direct function of how tied they are to your values.

A quick update on me

Just a quick update on myself too – I started writing this article on my way to the start of what will be a year of education in ontological coaching (coaching based on the concept of who someone is in their purest form).  I cannot emphasize how transformative I feel this year will be.

While everyone brings a different set of self-defences to the table, I was shocked to be given the awareness that mine is an inability to show people my own vulnerability.

While this is incredibly meaningful to me, the impact of reading these words for you will likely be minimal.  I guess that’s how it has to remain for now (maybe it’s okay that I can’t always articulate an idea…?).  More to come as the coming year presses on.  Stay tuned and thanks for reading.

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The fall term is starting to draw to a close.  That means that my work at the Law Centre downtown is starting to wind to a close and I’m closing out or transferring the remaining files that I have.  It also means that my time is starting to free up a little bit and I will be able to focus more on building my coaching business.

This term has involved a tremendous amount of time and effort building the foundation for what I will do once I graduate.  Identifying the business name, determining the target market, what is my niche, who are the people that I can best connect with, how should I market to and connect with those people, etc., etc.  Building the foundation can be frustrating, because you don’t see the fast results that typically signal progress to us.  It goes slowly, and it doesn’t provide the changes on the surface that we typically associate with success or transformation.  But that’s because it’s foundation.  It’s the groundwork upon which all of that good and more exciting stuff is built.  Without the foundation, your efforts will crumble without the support they require.

I’ve also been conducting more experiments on myself, and that’s what I’m writing about today.

Retreating from your vices.

What does this mean?  At first brush, it sounds pretty negative doesn’t it?  Rather than dealing with the problems you have, just run away from them!  That’s not what I mean though – I mean take a retreat from them.  Maybe even a vacation, if you prefer that terminology.

The genesis for this post began when I decided that I wanted to drink less coffee.  I’ve always loved coffee.  I like the flavour and the smell, but most of all, I love the buzz.  I don’t know what it is, but that sense of getting energized is something that I’ve always been drawn to.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’m naturally a person with a lot of energy and I love to accomplish a lot of things.  Perhaps the ability to “overclock” my personal CPU and get even more cycles out of myself (or at least, provide the illusion that I’m doing that) is especially enticing as a result of my nature.

However, for a long time, I’ve felt like my relationship with coffee had become unhealthy.  It’s not that I required coffee to get up and start my day.  I’ve never really allowed myself to make it a habit to that extent.  The problem, for me, was more one of self-control (a theme you will see revisited a couple times in this post).  When I would decide it was time for coffee, I wouldn’t just drink one cup – I’d have three or four.  It wasn’t enough to simply get a mild buzz, I wanted to be vibrating!

When we ended our orientation and began working proper at the law clinic, I made the decision to drop coffee for a month, and see what the result would be.

Why?  There’s a few reasons why.

First, I wanted to see if I could do it.  I was pretty sure that I could (it’s just coffee right?), but nevertheless, I knew that I would feel a sense of accomplishment simply from having the discipline to do this.

Second, I wanted to give myself some time to reflect on what kind of relationship I wanted to have with coffee.  I recognize that describing my coffee habit as a relationship might seem a little dramatic, but the shoe fits, so why not.  Did I really want to drink coffee every day?  What about every second day?  Did weekends count?  These were all questions that I was trying to resolve, but found it difficult to do when I was actively drinking coffee.  I would think half-heartedly about the fact that I wanted to consume less, but the next day at work when I wanted to really get some work done, suddenly there was a cup of coffee in my hand.

Vices are funny things that way.  Alcohol is a great example.  The morning after a heavy night of drinking, it’s easy to look in the mirror and swear that you don’t plan to do that ever again, but next weekend, when all your friends are drinking at the party… well, you know how it goes.

The Next Step

Halfway through “The Great Caffeine Withdrawal” (as I dubbed it), I enjoyed the process enough that I decided to add two more experiments into the mix: alcohol, and refined sugar products.

There’s a never ending amount of research suggesting that alcohol is consistently linked with cancer, and I really don’t want to set myself up with habits for the rest of my life that are going to detract from my longevity and quality of life.  Alcohol had become a crutch for me in a lot of ways too.  Most often it was a way to loosen up in social situations, and, oddly enough, I used it as a cure for boredom.  Nothing to do?  No problem, have a few beers and play video games.

As for refined sugar, my decision was to drop things like cookies, donuts, pastries, pie, cakes, pop and juice.  For the most part I’m pretty good when it comes to eating sweet treats, but, as always the case with me, the biggest issue is self-control.  Bay would buy a bunch of cookies for our cookie jar at home, and while I would initially begin eating one cookie a day, before long I would be shoving three in my face as soon as I got home.

The Common Thread

The common thread that runs through each of these things I chose to retreat from is one of self-control.  Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses.  I have fantastic discipline, but absolutely terrible self-control.  I can set up systems of rules, and when I do, I’m excellent at adhering to those rules.  But, if you just put a bag of cookies, a 12-pack of beer and a pot of coffee in front of me and said “consume until you feel you’ve had enough”, you’d come back to a few crumbs, 12 empty bottles and me bouncing off the walls.

By setting up a specific duration of time during which I wasn’t going to consume any coffee, sugar or alcohol, I created a simple rule that I could follow — I exercise my discipline, rather than my self-control.

The Results

The results were really interesting.  Let’s start with coffee first.

I allowed myself to continue drinking tea, because tea has never really been an issue.  Sure, I will easily drink an entire pot of tea in one sitting, but that doesn’t cause me any problems and it wasn’t making me unhappy.  The relationship with tea was not a problem.  Also, since I never drank coffee consistently in the morning, it was never an issue to get out of bed or get the day started.  I would come in to work, make a cup of tea, and begin the day.

One thing that I did notice was the signalling that coffee produced.  In the past, coffee had always been something I would go and buy (or make) when it was time for me to really get down to work.  If I had a complicated problem that I wanted to work on, or needed to push through a lot of work in a short amount of time, the cup of coffee was a little signal that it was time to get into that mode.

Sure, I could make another cup of tea, but it just wasn’t the same. In the end, this came down to a matter of reprogramming myself.  If coffee had been the way that I had signalled to myself that it was time to get things rolling, I would have to substitute in a new signal.

I chose to use some specific songs, and switched from green tea to black tea when it was time to knuckle down.  This wasn’t really that problematic, but it was an interesting part of my relationship with coffee that I had not been aware of prior to this point.

Sugar had similar results.  It’s not that I was dependent on sugary treats – I exercised good discipline when at the store simply by not buying them.  Without having them at home, I wasn’t compelled to shovel the cookie jar into my face, and there was no problem.

The thing about refined sugar products was that they had come to symbolize a reward.  I first noticed this returning to work after having the charges against one of my clients stayed (which means that the Crown, for one reason or another, drops their case against the client – they effectively walk away from the charge).  I got back in to work and paced around a bit.  I felt like going and getting a donut, or something else sweet to symbolize the moment of triumph.  But, without having that option, I just sat back down.  I could make more tea, but there’s nothing special about that – I make tea all the time.

Again, the solution here was to come up with new ways to signal that success.  Separate the signal from the product itself, and then reattach something new to that signal.

The results for alcohol were a little more drastic.  Much like refined sugar and coffee, alcohol had come to symbolize certain things for me.  It symbolized relaxation and also symbolized the end of the week.  In addition to that, it was also a big part of socializing.  If I was going to meet up with people, drinks would usually be involved.

One really funny thing that I noticed was that I would find myself thinking things like “Hmm, well, there’s a party going on that I could go to, but I’m not drinking, so do I really want to be there?”  After reflecting on this a bit, it struck me that this statement really said more about the party than anything else.  If I wasn’t interested in going unless I was going to be drinking, why would I even want to be at the party in the first place?

I noticed another funny thing while not drinking.  Most of us that drink recognize that awkward moment between the first time you get together with a group and the end of the first drink, where everyone is friendly, but the vibe hasn’t quite settled in.  People are still figuring out where they’re comfortable and what to talk about and are generally focused a little too much in their heads, rather than simply being present.

This moment always passes, typically after everyone has finished their first drink.  The funny thing I noticed was that the moment passed regardless of whether or not I was drinking.  It was simply a matter of time and sitting in the slight awkwardness of the moment.  I’m sure that many of you won’t find this surprising at all, but to me, it was a bit of a revelation.  The fact that this moment passed once people had gotten a little bit liquor’d up was one of those things that I’d always simply assumed and never had any data to suggest otherwise.

Again, I’ve found myself in situations where I miss liquor.  Going out for dinner with Bay and cheers-ing our relationship with a glass of water to her nice glass of champagne just didn’t feel right.  Sitting around home and drinking tea with my parents was okay, but I enjoy drinking beer with friends and family.

So is it all gone for good?

Definitely not!  Removing certain vices from my daily life for the course of thirty days does not mean that I never intend to have them in my life again.  What it does mean is that I’ve cleared myself out from them and can now be completely present to the kind of relationship I want to have with them going forward.

As an example, I mentioned above that refined sugary treats had come to symbolize a reward – a treat when things have gone well.  This is the kind of relationship that I would like to have with this vice.  Not something I simply eat because I’m bored of studying and want something to break up the tedium.  Not something that I eat as a matter of course every single time I come home from work.

Alcohol, as I mentioned, is also a great way (for me) to celebrate, and is something I really enjoy sharing with good friends and family.  But again, I don’t want to have a relationship with liquor where celebrating means I drink my way through 12 beers in a night.

What about coffee?  Is it making it’s way back into my life?  Well, that’s the actual casualty of this experiment.  I don’t really miss it.  I substituted black tea for the moments when I wanted to supercharge myself, and I also drink decaffeinated beans when I really want that delicious taste that I enjoy.  If I’m not missing any other aspect of it, is there really a reason to make it a part of my life?  I can’t think of one.

And that’s the beauty of this approach – you don’t need to do anything in particular when you’re done.  Maybe you will finish your 30-day retreat and come to the conclusion that you’re content with the relationship you have.  Maybe you’ll change your mind and want to strike out some new balance.  Either way, you will hopefully arrive at your conclusion more present to what it means, and with more purpose and awareness behind the decision.

What does this mean for you?

Think of  something in your life for which you’re not particularly happy about the relationship you have with it.  It might be drinking, it might be overtime work, it might be exercise (maybe you hate jogging 4 days a week but you do it because you feel you have to).  Identify what it is, and isolate it.  Then, remove that thing’s presence from your life for the next 30 days – take a retreat from it.

More important than anything else here is that you commit to those 30 days.  Commit yourself to remove that thing from your life for those 30 days, and refuse to allow yourself to break this commitment.  When you find yourself missing that thing, or getting frustrated because you can’t have it, reflect on why that is.  Why are you missing it right now?  What does it mean?  Is this a reward system at play?  Is it a thing you use to relax?  (And is that the relationship you want to have with this thing?  Maybe you don’t want to need this thing in order to relax…)

Isn’t this just a cleanse?

It depends what you mean when you use the word “cleanse”.  For most of the people I see posting on Facebook, a cleanse is a ridiculous diet that does not have any scientific merit and is meant to “supercharge your health”, or at least clear out all of your toxins.  (Something that our biology has had millions of years worth of evolution to do far better than lemon juice, honey and cayenne pepper ever will).

Further, I don’t see how you could possibly intelligently reflect on the relationship you have with something when making such a drastic change to your overall diet.  Removing coffee from your system is one thing.  Removing all solid foods is quite another.  Your system will be in such a state of shock that it will be a challenge to focus on anything other than how much you want to feel some texture between your molars.

Summary

Here’s the summary for those of you that want all of the sex and none of the foreplay:

• Temporarily retreating from your vices can be a great way to gain better control of them
• Removing the influence of a vice in your life will put you in a better position to understand how it affects you, and what kind of relationship you have with it (and remember, vices aren’t just something you consume – they can include things like work!)
• Use moments of desire as an opportunity for reflection, rather than regret or frustration
• Taking a retreat from something in your life does not mean it has to be permanent
• The goal in an exercise like this is to end up more present and conscious of the decisions that you are making.  If you can achieve that, you’ve scored a victory for yourself and your self-awareness.

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I’ve just gotten back from spending some time today at a mingler with the folks putting on @TEDxVictoria.  This event promises to be an inspiring one, with a number of very interesting speakers attending.  I’m volunteering on the day of the event, and am looking forward to touching base and meeting a ton of new people.  I’ll be working the registration desk, so please stop by and say hi if you’re attending the event.

The theme for the event is “Cultivating Evolution”.  I had hoped to get my act together and submit a talk for the event, but had a number of other commitments that were more pressing and, to be fair, more important as well.

However, this theme is very near and dear to my heart.  Growth is an integral component of who I am, and it’s the reason my clients seek out my coaching services.  I help people find where and how they want to grow, and I enable and accelerate that growth.  Evolution, to my mind, means growth with purpose.

Does growth require a purpose?

No.  But, I believe that growth without any purpose is often cancerous.  It doesn’t lead in any particular direction and often results in imbalance, burn-out and resources being strained or devoted to the wrong things.

When house plants grow, they do so with the purpose of maximizing their exposure to sunlight.  Their purpose is to harness and utilize the available resources as efficiently as possible.  You’ll note that your plants often grow towards the source of sunlight in your home.  Growing in every direction without any purpose would be inefficient.  The plant would need to devote more energy to supporting the parts of itself that aren’t collecting sunlight.

Humans are the same way.  We need to ensure that our growth happens in a purposeful manner.  Optimally, we want to design our growth so that we move and grow in directions that are consistent with what matters most to us.  Growth that is in alignment with our values and our purpose will be growth that is maximally beneficial to ourselves.

Take a moment and think of someone in your network that has achieved great things, but is miserable.  Most of us know at least a few people that meet this description – many of us meet the description ourselves.  With the intense pressure put on young adults graduating from high school to enter university, get a degree and start working “in the real world”, there are ever greater numbers of people that have grown in ways that are simply irrelevant to their values and drive.  Aside from the intrinsic value gained from education itself, what good is an engineering degree if all you have ever wanted to be was a professional actor?

Where does comfort fit into this?

Let’s get back on track  – what does comfort have to do with evolution?

The answer is: Nothing.  Comfort is what will kill your evolution.

The thing is, growth doesn’t occur when we’re comfortable; it occurs when we are pushing outside of our comfort zone.  Comfort represents a number of things.  To name just a few:

• Security
• Safety
• Inertia
• The known
• Being at peace with our surroundings

Most of these things are good.  Security and safety are important in our lives, and provide us with a sense of predictability and rationality in a world that doesn’t always behave that way.  Being at peace with our surroundings allows us to let our guard down, giving us the opportunity to rest.

When I was 19, I worked at McDonalds.  I made very little money, but it was enough to pay my rent, buy groceries and liquor, and go out to the bar with friends multiple times a week.  It was comfortable.  In fact, I could have stayed in that place for the next ten years without making any changes (and there were certainly some people that did just that).

But I demand growth from myself, and I think that you should too.  Evolution along our own values is something that we, as humans, intrinsically seek.  You may not even be aware of this drive, but you can feel it every time you experience a sense of discontent, or hear yourself saying “I feel like I’m better than this”.

There’s no growth in comfort

This is my key point.  Really juicy growth occurs when we are pushed out of our comfort zone and forced to adapt to circumstances that we have not previously encountered.

Our minds are rational.  It’s the way we’ve evolved to think.  We seek out patterns, we make predictable results based on those patterns, and then we assume that the same result will flow from that pattern the next time we encounter it.  When we’re exposed to new patterns or situations, the likes of which we have not before seen, we experience discomfort.  How do we know what result will come from this new situation?  We’ve lost our predictability; we’ve lost our rationality.

For the first ten years of my life as a dancer, I practiced my technique in front of a mirror, and it became very refined as a result.  But for those long years, I never felt like I was really progressing at the rate that I wanted to.  What had happened to the leaps and bounds that I’d been experiencing when I first started?  Simple — I was now only operating within my comfort zone.  When you allow yourself to remain in this realm, the best you can hope to do is refine what you already know.

Don’t get me wrong, refining our existing knowledge is its own form of growth and has its own value.  It’s just that it isn’t the same kind of growth, and it won’t generate those big rewards that you remember getting when you first started learning something new.

When I went to Vancouver and was put in a position where I had to dance in the middle of a circle of my friends, I was thrust right back in to that awkward, uncomfortable place.  And you know what?  My growth was incredible!  It felt discomforting and a little bit terrifying.  But those things are healthy.  They let us know that we’re doing something new.  We’re being exposed to something that is currently outside of our existing knowledge base.

If you want to grow, you need to be willing to expose yourself to something new

And so here’s the call of action to you, my readers.  Determine some areas in your life where you would like to see some growth.  Perhaps it’s meeting some new people.  Perhaps it’s quitting a habit that you’ve been carrying with you for quite some time.  Perhaps it’s pursuing a dream that you’ve let sit on the back burner for far too long.

Figure out where your first point of discomfort is with respect to this change you would like to make.  If you’re aim is to meet new people and become better at talking to strangers, perhaps that first point of discomfort comes merely from the thought of taking that action.

“What will I say after I say hello to them?”

“What if they just look at me strangely?”

“What if they don’t like me?”

These are all questions that represent that first point of discomfort.  See that point of discomfort for what it truly is: a milestone indicating an opportunity to grow.  Recognize that it doesn’t represent a failing on your part that you feel uncomfortable about it, and treat as a challenge, rather than a barrier.

Then, attack that point of discomfort.  Commit yourself to feeling uncomfortable for a period of four weeks, and then…

Dive head first.

Just do it.  It’s that simple.  The real meat of true growth is rarely about long planning sessions, strategy and identifying points of possible failure.  It ultimately comes down to your willingness to experience the discomfort associated with being in an unfamiliar situation.

Remind yourself, it gets easier every time, and that’s because you’re growing.  The first time you say “Hi” to a stranger will feel awkward and silly.  It’s outside of your comfort zone.  It’s not who you currently are.  But you’re doing it because you want to get better at it, right?  The second time you do it, it won’t feel quite as uncomfortable.  You’ve already done it once before, and you have an inkling of what to expect.  And so the cycle continues.

So what’s standing in your way?

We’ve all got complaints that go like this: “If only for X, I would be able to do Y”.

And make no mistake, X is entirely real to each of us, regardless of what it happens to be.  Maybe it’s money.  Maybe it’s the fact that you aren’t supported by your spouse.  Maybe it’s that you didn’t do something when you were younger, and so you don’t think you can achieve Y now.

But it doesn’t matter how real X is to you, because I have the real answer.

What’s predominantly standing in the way of your own growth isn’t X (or A, B or C either).  It’s fear.

Fear is what stops most of us from growing.  What do those fears look like?  Here are some:

• Fear that we won’t be supported by our partner

This is something worth delving into a little more deeply, but if Y is something you truly want to achieve, why would your partner want to stand in the way of that?

(Probably because of their own fears).

• Fear that you won’t be able to afford to do Y

There are always creative ways to achieve what you want.  Maybe you can’t do Y full-time until you’ve established yourself, but that’s not to say that you can’t start do a little bit of Y until you’ve made more of a name for yourself.

• Fear that you don’t have the time to do Y

Is Y important to you?  Where are you spending your time?  Is everything that currently occupies your time more important than Y, or are there some things that could be dropped off to make more time for Y?

Again, most of these really amount to assuming that our current context, that is to say, what we are currently comfortable with, is the only possibility that there ever could be.  But there’s no validity to this assumption.  Although you’re probably quite comfortable with the way you’re spending time, if it’s stopping you from growing toward something that is truly important to you, maybe it’s time to experience some discomfort.

Embrace discomfort

Here’s your take-away point for today.  Take note of when you are experiencing discomfort, and rather than simply reacting to it, ask yourself why you are feeling that way.  What’s causing that sensation?  What is it that you are uncomfortable with?

Then, embrace it.  Recognize it as an opportunity for growth and let yourself sit with that uncomfortable feeling.

Let’s close it out

Here’s your summary for today:

• Evolution is ultimately, in the personal sense, purposeful growth
• While it is good to feel comfortable at times, true growth does not lie in feeling comfortable
• In order to grow, you need to experience discomfort.  In fact, discomfort and growth are often mutually inclusive
• Identify some areas in your life where you want to see some real growth, then find the first point of discomfort.  Once you’ve done that, attack that point head-on.  Dive in to the discomfort and let yourself sit with it.
• Don’t simply react to discomfort.  Understand that it represents a challenge and an opportunity to grow, and treat it as such.

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List B

List B!  First of all, thank you to everyone that took the 10 seconds required to vote in my psychology experiment.

I have to admit, I was surprised that I didn’t see more votes.  I guess it’s harder to get people to participate actively than I thought it would be.  That or my analytics are vastly over-reporting the number of people visiting this blog.

So, what was this all about anyhow?  Read on to find out.

Creating momentum

A lot of effective coaching is helping a client generate and maintain effective momentum.  Many of us can start thinking about something we are passionate about, but very quickly have limiting thoughts take over our mental space.

“Well, I can’t possibly do that because it would mean I’ve have to quit my job” or “There’s no way I could do that, my parents would never let me”.  Even if those thoughts are true, they’re irrelevant when we’re trying to figure out what it is that we are passionate about.  If you’re passionate about something, it’s worth exploring that freely.  Maybe you can’t do it immediately.  Maybe you would have to quit your job if you were to chase after it right away, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t value in simply understanding that you are passionate about it.

I call this dissipating our momentum.  It’s a challenge to part the fog that sits in our head and getting the brain moving in a direction you want takes time.  When we let limiting thoughts get in the way of pursuing how we really feel, we stall the process.

Don’t get me wrong – limiting thoughts have their time and place.  Once you’ve identified what you want to do, the next step is determining how you can actually achieve it.  This is the point where it’s okay to see your limiting thoughts (provided that you don’t accept them as immovable barriers that will forever stand in your way).  When trying to determine how to move in the direction you’ve identified is correct for you, it is important to see what will stand in your way, and then to think creatively about how you can move forward.

So, what does all of this have to do with lists?

Just start moving

The key to all of this is that the hardest part is often just getting your brain going.  I’ve worked with many clients that knew where they wanted to go, but simply could not get the ball rolling.  We identify a goal that they want to pursue, but when it comes time to try to figure out some steps to actually start moving in that direction, they draw a blank.

One of the things that I’m good at is determining next steps.  It’s one of the reasons GTD methodology has been such a good fit for me, and one of the reasons I was a natural at project management.  My brain naturally breaks projects down into small, bite-sized increments.  However, coaching should never be about the coach — it’s about the client.  I’m fine offering a few suggestions, but the best suggestions ultimately need to come from the client.  After all, you possess everything that you need in order to resolve your problems.  That’s the true beauty of coaching.

During my training, we used a technique referred to as the “chinese menu” (why that is the actual name I do not know).  The idea behind this approach is that it is okay to offer a few suggestions, but it is important to provide a number of other entries or blank lines for the client to write in their own suggestions.  Imagine two scenarios:

•  In the first scenario, I have one suggestion for you.  I write it on an otherwise blank piece of paper, and then ask you to come up with some other suggestions that might work.  When your mind stares at that single items on an otherwise blank piece of paper, all you can envision is that one item.
• In the second scenario, I also have one suggestion for you.  However, I write 4 numerals down, and draw a horizontal line across the paper from each of those numbers.  On the first line, I put my own suggestion.  When you look at this piece of paper, your mind is naturally going to try to think of at least three other suggestions that will get you toward your goal.

In reality, the number of lines I draw is actually irrelevant.  The real goal here is to generate momentum.  Once your mind has accepted that it needs to come up with some answers, the gears will start to turn and the ideas will start to flow out.  It’s amazing how many solutions come out of your head once you actually get the ball rolling (my client’s routinely surprise themselves by the number of solutions that they generate on their own).

So… again, what does this have to do with lists?  Well, my experiment was to try and determine:

What kind of layout will best generate momentum?

That was the ultimate aim of my experiment.  If I was to create empty slots alongside my own suggestion, ready to be filled out, which configuration would best start the momentum that we want to get a client on their way?

The results were a little surprising.  I figured that List C would be the best to fill out.  Why?

Well, I figured that List C was simply begging to have a single item put into the first slot.  There’s already an item in the second slot, and that makes my own mind absolutely desperate to fill in that first slot.  Once the first slot is filled in, there is only one other item to fill out in the third slot and you’ve got three solutions.  The momentum is rolling!

In reality, only 2 people (out of 20 total) voted for List C.  I didn’t vote, but that would have been my vote as well.  List A received 5 total votes, and List B received 13 votes – 65% of the total votes!

List B clearly trounced the other options.  Another thing worth noting is that after filling out the first slot of either List B or List C, the resulting list is exactly the same.  So what matters most is which list generates the most initial momentum to get you working.

Thanks to your responses, I now have some valuable information!  From now on, I know that when I have a suggestion to offer my clients, the best way to create a “chinese menu” is to put my suggestion first.  The other benefit (that I can think of) to this approach is that the rest of the list remains open-ended.  If I draw enough lines, the client isn’t working to “complete” a list – they simply have one suggestions that gets them started and can then go as long as they are able to.

Thank you!

A big thank you to everyone that participated in this experiment.  There’s another favour that I would like to ask you – please help me out by passing along this site to anyone that you think may be interested.  It’s challenging to write on a consistent basis, especially while attempting to develop both a law career and a professional coaching career simultaneously.  With your help, I can generate more readers, and nothing provides more momentum than knowing that what I’m writing about matters to people.

Thanks for your continued support!

The near future…

Finally, a brief update on my own journey.  As mentioned, I’m actively trying to develop both a career as a legal professional and as a professional coach.  It’s very challenging trying to balance both of these pursuits, but challenge has always been what drives me, and time management is an area in which I excel.

This fall, I will be working a clinical term at UVic’s legal aid clinic, the Law Centre.  There I will be assuming conduct of client files and representing clients in court.  I anticipate being much busier this term than I was during my summer school term, but I am nevertheless excited for the coming four months.  Stay tuned!

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