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This post kicks off a 52-post series.  WHUT!  52 posts is madness.  I would actually have to regularly update in order to meet a goal like that!  Well, I am mad.  Mad enough, in fact, to leave a career as a lawyer and go all in on my passion of coaching.  Read on…

Let’s start with the background.  Three years ago, while in law school and working at the Department of Justice, I met a life coach.  Suddenly, I was made present to something I had been searching for for the past 5 years: a career that aligned with who I am.  From that moment on, I vowed to create a successful coaching practice.

Much to the chagrin of my own impatience, I still had 1.5 years and a year of articling to finish before I could fully embrace what I now knew to be the next step for me.  Half way through my year of articling, my principal agreed to allow me to practice law part-time while I built my coaching practice.  It would have been so easy to say yes – it was the safety net that I wanted.  It would protect me, if I failed.  But it was also more of the same.  It was more of me choosing everything, instead of actually making a choice.

So I made a choice.  I told my principal I would not be staying on with him after the year finished.  That I would not continue practicing law.  And, on June 6, 2013, I finished my last day as a lawyer.

This series is intended to document the first year of this process for me, and hopefully provide some inspiration and encouragement to other entrepreneurs that are on the precipice of choosing what they want and confronting their fears.

A week ago today was my first day working for myself (http://evergrowthcoaching.com).  What I had was five clients lined up, two people that I was training as a coach through one of the two programs I graduated from (http://accomplishmentcoaching.com), and enough income saved up with my wife to provide us with a four-month runway.

Four months might seem like a long time if you are working a secure job, but if you are me, with my stuff, and my fears, it seems like an impossibly short period of time.

Throughout the time I spent in school, I let people know what I was up to and what I intended to do after graduation.  I offered people complimentary sessions, even though I was worried they would judge me for it and think I was making a mistake (which was actually me projecting my own fears and stories onto them – most people were incredibly supportive).

While articling, I experienced a lot of demands on my time.  It never felt like there was enough time during the day, and no matter what it was, every interruption felt like it was taking away from precious time.  Ironically, there was an abundance of time, and Darren was great about how I spent my time.

This pressure came along for the ride when I switched to working for myself.  Sure, I woke up each morning and jogged or biked (which I missed doing immensely), but I was ever cognizant of the hands of the clock.  What time did I absolutely need to be out of the house by to ensure I was back in time to get everything accomplished?

So that’s the lesson I’ve learned this week – the pressure comes from within.  Now don’t get me wrong, the legal profession is hungry for people that will self-impose this pressure, and is happy to toss some of its own demands on to the back of your pressure-camel (believe it or not, facility with metaphor is both a strong legal and coaching trait).  However, at the end of the day, the pressure is internal, and if you want to fight it off, you have to start by addressing the story from within.

This is a scary journey, but it’s the right one, because it’s my passion.  This is what I know to be true: follow your passion, and you will succeed.  Follow your fear, and you will get more fear.

See you next week.

P.S. Yes, those are my socks, and yes, I am very pleased with them.

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I don’t often write about my own projects unless I feel safe doing so.  So, for example, I will write about a goal to make more money, or get a promotion, because I hold that those goals are ones that anyone would align with (can you see my own context here?).

However, goals like losing weight, or creating a particular physique?  I hold that people will judge me for announcing goals like that.  What you might not be able to see is that that is just an indication that I judge myself and other people for holding goals like that – and then I project it onto everyone around me.

(Fun exercise: notice your stories about how other people are judging you, and then notice that those are actually your own judgments projected outward.  It works every time).

So, here’s my declaration that is scary.  By December 31st, 2013, the end of this year, I will be cut.  What does that mean?  A few things – six-pack abs, and arms that are tight in the sleeves of my t-shirts.  It also means minimal fat around my stomach (that kind of goes with the abs), and a weight goal.

For most of my adult life, I’ve hovered around 185 lbs.  In general, it didn’t matter what I ate, what I did, what I drank, I’d kind of just sit at this weight.  Sometimes I would try to reduce my weight, and drop down to 180, but then inevitably bounce back up.  Of course the body fluctuates upwards and downwards around this point, but that was kind of my default weight.

It wasn’t until last year that I got the idea that I wanted to try creating something different.  I went about it the same way I usually do.  At first I developed some strategies, and then I put them into place.  I was counting calories, I was exercising reasonably regularly.  But then, when I didn’t achieve short-term success, I would give up.  Or I would decide that I didn’t really want to meet my goal that much anyhow.

This year, I took on something different, and really designed my project.  What was I doing this for?  It wouldn’t be easy (otherwise I’d already have achieved it).  Also, what would need to be different in order to actually make this happen?  In the past, I’ve given up once my resistance shows up – the initial euphoria of commitment wears off, and then, hey, I don’t really want to switch from beer to water right now, do I?

I’ve also had a goal to cut down on my drinking.  I probably came out of the womb with this goal.  It’s been a long time anyhow.  I’ve tried in the past and failed.  What would need to be different?

Here are the things I identified I needed to do, and why:

• No more than two drinks a day.

I read at one point an article that said men should drink no more than four drinks a day, and fourteen drinks in a week in order to avoid increasing their risk of cancer (and even then, that’s probably on the generous side).  So I tried this.  But I discovered that four drinks is just way too close to my inhibition threshold.  At the end of the fourth drink, it is just a tiptoe away from a fifth drink and once I’ve done that, the sixth, seventh and eighth drinks follow rapidly.  No, two drinks left me a good deal farther away from my inhibition threshold, and would be a worthy practice to try out.

• No more bread.

I sure love bread.  I loved it so much that I would eat a baguette a day for a while.  That’s a lot of bread!  I would also eat bread with pasta (doesn’t seem so weird when you’re at a restaurant, but it’s pretty ridiculous when you consider how many carbs and calories you’re eating).  Bread is a massive source of calories.  If I really wanted to drop some weight, I would need to cut out some of the big ways that I cheat.  Bread was the obvious one.

• Really get clear on my caloric intake

In the past I’ve tracked calories, but just guessed at a lot of stuff.  Do you know how much granola half a cup is?  I do – if you pinch your thumb and forefinger together, it’s about the amount of granola that would fit between them.  Seriously, I was amazed at how little granola that actually is, and then amazed again when I learned that alone contains 250 calories.  Granola is horrible for you!  No wonder it tastes so delicious.

The process of measuring out how much 1/2 a cup was allowed me to gain an understanding of what I was actually eating.  With that knowledge, instead of having 2 cups of granola (and I bet you it was more than that) and milk for breakfast, I would have raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, low-fat yogurt, and a very small sprinkle of granola.  So long 1000 calories.  Hello 200 calories.

(NOT in-line with my commitment.)

Sometimes it’s really hard.  Two drinks is not a lot, and during a day when I meet up with friends for lunch, and then other friends for dinner, I really want to have more to drink.  But then, some people never drink, and others only occasionally.  So what was really going on here?  What was it that I was missing – what way of being did drinking provide me?

Noticing this kind of resistance coming up in me, and simply being with it, with curiosity and acceptance, helped a great deal.  It created a space where it was okay to have a want, without actually acting on it.  It allowed for something new.

This week at my parents, I weighed myself, and saw that I’d gotten down to 176 lbs.  Only one lb to go.  I couldn’t believe it – I had never gotten to this point before.

So from, what’s next is:

• Raise my caloric intake to maintain this weight.
• Continue with a limit of two drinks a day.
• Begin lifting weights again so as to build the muscle mass I want.

That’s what I have to share.  It’s a little vulnerable, because you might think that I’m vain for having goals like this, but that’s my interpretation, not yours.  Here’s to breaking that up.

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A toast to the graduating class of UVic Law, 2012.  It’s hard to believe that it’s been three years since I returned to school.  Hard to believe that only two years ago I was overwhelmed with the amount of reading that I needed to do to stay on top of everything.  What a contrast that makes with this year, having bought zero textbooks and done very little reading, I am imbued with the confidence that I will still do well on my finals.  What a difference time can make.

The end is bittersweet.  I have made friendships these three years that will last a lifetime (and I will declare right here that I am committed to ensuring that they do).  These three years have been trying, but the hottest fire forges the strongest steel, and that is analogous to the kind of relationships you develop throughout education like this.  Sadly, and perhaps beautifully, all things must come to an end.  That is part of growth.  If things don’t end, it impacts our ability to move forward.

Our graduation formal was this past weekend, at the Union Club in Victoria.  In the month leading up to the event, our graduating class nominated and then voted on a faculty member and two students to represent our class by speaking.  When I was told by a good friend that she had nominated me I was touched.  Then a few more people told me the same thing.  I went from being touched to a little nervous.  What if these people actually voted for me?  I waffled between really wanting to speak, and being nervous about what I would say, and how I would prepare my speech. What do you say to such an inspiring group of people?

Then, a week or so ago, my friend Darcy and I found out that we had been voted to speak.  I was (and still am) deeply humbled and honoured.  What an incredible privilege!  How the hell would I live up to it?!  I knew that the answer to that question was to simply speak from the heart.

The themes I wanted to speak to were: connection, inspiration, opportunity and acceptance.  Beyond that, I had a loose quote that I knew I wanted to incorporate, and went from there.  I wrote the speech in a few hours in the morning before going to class. Once written, I didn’t do too much editing.  A little cursory stuff here and there, but for the most part, the words rang true when I sat down to write them, and they didn’t require too much tweaking.

Before I share what I spoke with you, I would like to thank every member of my cohort for doing me this incredible honour.  It is touching and inspiring to have been able to meet and work with such a humbling group of people.  In selecting me, my graduating class taught me more about myself and my perceptions than I could have imagined.  Did you know that for most of my life I’ve walked around assuming that most people like me in a superficial manner, but don’t care to get to know me on a deeper level?  Moments like these act as a beacon shining on the darker recesses of our ego.

So thank you.  Thank you for helping me check those assumptions.  Thank you for challenging me.  Thank you for creating a space for acceptance, growth and vulnerability.

Without further ado, here is what I spoke this past weekend:

To UVic Law’s 2012 Graduating Class

We each started this journey for different reasons.  Some of us want to change the world.  Some of us want to get rich.  Some of us just want a job.  During these three short years, those expectations have been tested.  Poked at.  Prodded.  Challenged.  The way that we thought things would work out may not have turned out to be true.  Our own ambitions and desires may have changed.  Maybe through disillusionment, maybe through new opportunities, but always because of new insight.

If there is one thing that law school has made abundantly clear, it’s that life does not turn out the way it should.

Some people ask, “Where is the proof that life will not turn out the way that it ‘should’?. The proof exists in our lives to date.  If you died at this moment, how would you feel about your life?  There is no doubt about the outcome.  You would be satisfied in some ways and dissatisfied in others.  There would still be one piece missing.  What if you had died ten years ago?  The particulars might change, but there would still be no doubt about the outcome.  You would still be able to distinguish areas that were satisfactory and others that were not.

Now look ahead, ten, twenty, or fifty years from now – to the end of your life.  There is still no doubt about the outcome.  You would still be satisfied in some ways and dissatisfied in others.  When you consider the enormity of what it means to “make life work out the way it ‘should,’ ” can you plausibly argue that you would be any closer in the future than you have been in the past?  Life does not work out the way it ‘should’ work out, nor does it turn out the way it ‘shouldn’t’.  It works out the way it does work out.  And this will remain true at the moment of our deaths, just as it remains true during all other moments.  Life turns out the way it does.

I’m telling you this not to depress and rain on the rest of our lives, but rather to encourage all of us to embrace the embarrassment of riches that life provides us with.  There is no gift that we can give ourselves greater than that of perspective.  What may initially appear to be a failure, can be seen in new light as an opportunity.  The universe is abundant, and so too are the opportunities and choices that we are provided with each day in our lives.  Every missed deadline, an opportunity to see where we can improve our own processes.  Every week of stress, an opportunity to see whether or not we are pursuing what really matters.  Every breakdown an opportunity to have a breakthrough.  Every goodbye, an opportunity to reflect on what we’ve gained in knowing each other.

Life is beautiful.  Beautiful and elegant because of its fragility.  How tenuous and tempestuous the moments it creates are.  It is not on us to control the universe, only to be maximally authentic, to be our very best selves, in the face of whatever it has in store for us.  To ask from those around us what we want, and to commit to achieving that.

On that note, I invite all of us to reflect on how we wish to remember these past three years.  A lot of hoops to jump through?  Yup, definitely.  Tedious at times?  No doubt.  But also, an opportunity to connect, and create new friendships.  The opportunity to challenge the way we think, and to better ourselves by broadening our perspectives.

Part of what makes life beautiful is that it ends.  And so too, do these three years we have shared together.  Is there any logic, any rationale as to why this particular group of people have come together to graduate at this time?  There is not.  We are simply here, because that is how life has turned out.  It is on each of us to make of this moment, and these three years, whatever we wish.  It can be something we look back on as tedious and tiresome, or a beautiful gift, created by the universe without reason, and with the only obligation being that we allow ourselves to see it as the opportunity it has been.

So go forward from this moment, committed to embrace the opportunities that you are presented with.  Committed not to expect from life that it works out as it should, but that it will work out as it does.  Committed to live our lives, and be who we are, regardless of what the universe presents to us.

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Alright.  This post is part 2 of 12 in my series about the current set of training that I am undergoing in my career as a life and career coach.  If you want to get caught up, part 1 is available here.

I went over to Vancouver on Friday night, at the end of the school week.  I’d just finished up a phone interview with GenoLogics in which it seemed they were looking for someone more technical than my skillset currently provided for.  Not a particularly empowering experience.  But that was okay, because I was excited about this weekend’s training.

I packed my stuff, kissed Bay goodbye, and headed out to the ferry.  I finished up part 1 of this series on the ferry ride over, drove in to town, and walked up to Quizno’s to get dinner.  I ended the night chatting with some friends and then got to bed.  Getting up at 4:30AM means getting to bed early too.

Then I hit a snag…

Omens

I woke up at 4:30, tired, but excited about the coming two days.  In fact, I was practically buzzing with energy – my passion was sitting close to the surface.  I walked out of the bedroom and marched with authority to the shower.  My thoughts went like this:

“Man, I am so excited.  Let’s plan the morning out.  Eat breakfast, get in the car, drive with good music down the quiet roads to the border…”

“F*CK!!” (sorry if the language is offensive.  It’s authentic to how I felt)

I had forgotten my passport.

I HAD FORGOTTEN MY PASSPORT!

I had forgotten my passport..

What would you do in a situation like this?  Here’s what I did.

At first I checked to make sure this was the case.  I already knew it was.  I could remember exactly the process I used to pack.  I had absolutely neglected to put my passport in my bag (it hadn’t even occurred to me).

Okay, first things first – I still had to shower, no matter what.  As I got ready to do that, I gave myself five minutes to be angry, sad, furious, whatever with myself.  Beat myself up if I wanted, regret that I was going to miss some of my training, whatever.

Then I committed to shifting.  This was what was.  To speak in more abstract terms, this is what the universe has presented me with.  What was I going to do with it?

When something happens, it happens.  There’s nothing we can do to change it, only to be fluid in the moment.  We can’t control the universe, only be present to what we’re given.  So how was I going to be fluid?

As I dressed for the day, I went through my options in my head:

1. Catch the ferry back, drive home, get my passport, drive back, catch the ferry, drive down to Seattle.  Arrive at around 4PM.
2. Catch the ferry back, get Bay to meet me at the Clipper, and potentially catch it down to Seattle.  Get a hotel room for another night.  Possibly not even an option.
3. Catch the ferry back, get Bay to meet me at the floatplane terminal, and catch a floatplane down to Seattle.  Get a hotel room for another night.  Arrive at around 11:30AM.

Option #1 was simply far too late.  Option #2 was not an actual option as the Clipper sucks to catch from Victoria (awkward hours).  That left option #3.

At this point, I had two choices: Be disempowered by the decision, or empowered.  Was I going to be a victim, at effect with what had happened, or would I be a leader, at cause to what had happened?

I chose to lead.  I looked at the positives.  I had ridden the floatplanes before – they were beautiful.  I’d be able to take some really great pictures (which I did).  And it would give me a chance to stay over in Seattle another night and hang out with my team for longer.  And at least I wasn’t spending four hours driving.

So, with my attitude shifted and my perspective framed in the positive, I headed back, met up with Bay and then flew down.  Bay was phenomenally supportive and I’m incredibly grateful for her support.  She met me at the floatplane terminal with my passport after having gotten only 4 hours of sleep.  What a woman!

The rest of the weekend

I arrived and excitedly greeted my team members.  It had been a month since we’d seen each other and it seemed like such a long time.  Going through a transformational process like this, and getting to see people you are working with in such a distinguished light really builds a strong bond.  We hugged, said hi, and then sat down.

I arrived just in time to leave for lunch.  We chose people to go for lunch with, based on who we currently were the least connected with.  The new girl chose me, since I had just arrived.  Fine with me!

At lunch, I felt awkward.  I was having a hard time getting a good conversation going, and when I feel like I can’t connect with someone, I start to babble like an idiot.  It’s not that I’m a bad conversationalist – in fact I’m great.  It’s just that I end up speaking a lot, in order to fill the silences.  The moments where conversation die down really start to terrify me.

One of the great things I learned this weekend was about my judgments.  More specifically, that they are about me, not the person I’m judging.  We often have a tendency to notice something, and judge the other person.  Everyone is their own person, doing their own thing.  They are responsible for their own actions and thoughts, and we can’t change them.

The judgment is actually an opportunity to learn something about yourself.  Where is that judgment coming from?  Why do you feel that way?  What is it about this person that is triggering you?

I spoke up and noted how I felt at lunch, and requested some coaching on it.  The team took turns working with me, and I was really surprised to find out that what lay underneath all of this was that when people don’t respond to me in a way that generally would indicate they like me (ie, by making conversation with me, laughing with me, holding eye contact, etc.), I start to feel deeply inadequate.

Wow!  This was a big realization, and it all flowed out from the starting point of noting how I felt when someone was really quiet and not connected with me.  (and I was judging her for that too, to be fair).

Judgments often provide us with an opportunity to discover a place where we have either over- or under-learned something.  If I judge someone for checking out a girl, that might be an indication that I’ve overlearned being polite.  Sure, it’s great to be respectful of people around you, but at some point, you need to engage with people.  There’s a difference between being lecherous and noticing someone attractive.

I judge people that are poorly put together and look like they don’t put effort into their appearance.  But what does that say about me?  Probably that I am overly concerned with appearance, and that I could learn a little bit about relaxing from this person.

When you first read this, you may be tempted to shout (mentally) “But it’s not about me, it’s about them!”  With time (less so, if you engage in coaching), we got to the bottom of it.  Take note and be present to the fact that you are the one being triggered.  That other person is simply being who they are.  The judgment comes from within you.  You are the one responsible for it.  Don’t offload that responsibility onto someone else.

Breakthroughs, breakdowns and commitment

One of the epiphanies that I had this weekend was related to the relationship between breakthroughs, breakdowns and commitment.

Breakthroughs are what we all want.  They’re the exciting (and scary) part of growth.  They’re the point where we experience our epiphany and move beyond the existing structures that we have in place to something new.  It feels great when you have that breakthrough moment.  You know that things will be different going forward.  Of course, you’ll eventually normalize this new place, and will then begin seeking the next breakthrough, but that’s okay – that’s what this game is all about.

Breakdowns must proceed breakthroughs.  You can’t have a breakthrough without one.  In order to achieve  new areas of growth, we need to push beyond where we are comfortable.  Doing so will naturally trigger our self-defences, and will require a moment of having them break down around us before we can fully immerse ourselves in that area of unknown and experience our growth.

Where does commitment fit into this?  Well, you can’t have a breakdown without having commitment.  If you are not committed to the change you are seeking, it will become easy to turn back when you are faced with a moment of breakdown.  Breakdowns are scary – they require you to remain outside of your comfort zone and just be.  To sit with that feeling of discomfort.  Without a commitment to back this up, we will naturally retreat back to what we know.

Here is one of the great powers of working with a coach.  Not only are you working on your stuff, and creating breakdowns and subsequent breakthroughs with great velocity, but you also have accountability and commitment built in to the process.  Coaching isn’t cheap, nor should it be.  It’s an investment in ourselves.  The price is a good thing, given the kind of work that we’re doing.  When you’re getting something for free, your commitment to its success is not going to be significant (if present at all).  When you are paying a decent amount of money to create the change you want, you’re going to be invested in and committed to it.

Further, you’re supported throughout that breakdown.  A coach stands for you, even when you are unable to stand yourself.  Your coach is there to hold the place for you that you have affirmed you are striving for.

Powerful change is challenging.  Most of us assume that we will simply be able to push through whatever barriers stand in our way when we want something enough.  In actuality, the kind of changes that we’re talking about are deep and fundamental, and get into the sticky areas where our context and self-defence mechanisms get in our own way.

The stuff that gets in the way of our growth and development at these points is the same stuff that always gets in our way (not enough time, not enough money, too many other things I have to do, my partner wouldn’t let me do that, my kids need me, etc.). These reasons genuinely seem real and valid to us, especially when we’re at the verge of major breakthroughs.

A coach’s job is to keep you open to the realm of possibility.  Sure, money is something that needs to be considered, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have options.  How might you make that money available?.  Your spouse won’t be okay with this change?  Why not?  Can you talk to them about it?  What’s really in the way?  You don’t have time to make these changes?  What kind of game are we playing for here?  This is what you’ve identified matters most – what is taking up your time that is more valuable than that?

Commitment becomes easiest to break when we’re on the verge of a breakdown – that’s when our self-defences are running highest.  That’s the point where it becomes easiest to turn away from the breakthrough we are aiming for and retreat back to what is comfortable.

Closing out the weekend

I can feel a shift starting to take place.  The process that I’m going through requires a fairly substantial change in my thinking.  Coming from a place of simply being present to who I am, rather than acting automatically and predictably, is a bit of a departure from what I’m used to.

As a kid I would even go as far as strategizing and planning out my conversations on the phone and in person.  As you can imagine, this didn’t leave a lot of room for simply being present and going with the flow.  Switching from this approach to one that is based around simply putting myself into the world, openly and authentically..  Well, it’s taking time and effort.

But as I said, I can feel a shift.  I’m starting to get this, and things are starting to click for me.  Little by little, and with the support of my coach, I’m beginning to step into my own role in this existence, and I’m alive with the possibility!

Interested?

That’s all for now, but I will certainly continue on with this series as the months go forward.

I am looking for clients.  Specifically I’m looking to work with brilliant polymaths aged mid-20s to late-30s.  That is to say, people that are successful in a variety of areas, and recognize that they can shine brightly.  These people are wondering “I’ve achieved success… why is it so boring?  Isn’t there something more?”, “I know I’m capable of brilliance – why haven’t I taken off yet?” or maybe even where all of their time has gone.

If this sounds like you, or you know someone that might be interested in talking with me, please let me know.  I want to work with you and your friends!

Thank you for your continued support and reading.  I have definitely embarked on a challenging and unique journey, and I can’t be successful without your help.  Take care of yourself and stay tuned!

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This post is a month overdue.  As part of my career choice, I have started a one year long coach training program in Seattle through a group called Accomplishment Coaching.  As part of my ongoing attempt to connect and share, it only dawned on me tonight that this would be a great thing to blog about.

I’m currently on the ferry over to Vancouver, preparing to drive down to Seattle tomorrow morning to attend the second weekend of training.  I’ll blog about that process on my way home.  Tonight I’ll be writing about last month’s session, and how it went.

The Background

I’ll start by setting the context.  Almost a year ago now, I began taking on clients and attended some training through Erickson Coaching Federation.  Although I was not able, at the time, to attend the entire course, I drew a good deal from the intensive four days of training, and it set me on the ground and provided me with a lot of tools to use in my practice.

However, as I’ve grown as a coach and worked with a larger and more diverse group of clients, I’ve noticed situations where a critical moment or breakthrough was close for the client, but I did not have the tools and approaches to guide them through that (this is a big part of what you are hiring me to do – guide and empower you to achieve your critical breakthroughs with grace and efficiency).

It became clear to me that I was ready for more training, and I was eager to start as soon as possible.  Initially I planned to return to Erickson and complete my training there.  However, in the meantime, I needed to do something.  I began networking and met with a coach, Halle, here in Victoria.  She had attended training through Accomplishment Coaching, and it immediately became clear in our first conversation that she had access to insight that I wanted (and wanted to be able to provide to my clients).

Halle didn’t just talk about how to clear up exactly what the client wanted, but also described understanding what lay beneath that, and the process of shifting people’s assumptions and foundations – their context.  Sure, completing that project at work that’s been sitting on your desk for a year feels great, but what if what you actually want, but have not yet been clear on (or able to admit), is to shift to a whole new position (or career even)?

Changing the underlying context creates powerful shifts in people that are lasting and deeply meaningful.  Even though I didn’t understand the process or approach, I knew as soon as I heard it described that this was the kind of coach I wanted to be for my clients.  Someone who can generate powerful change and empower them to thrive.

The lead-up

The decision to attend Accomplishment Coaching was challenging for both Bay and I.  I understood what I wanted to do, but we needed to figure out a way to make it work financially, and within the set of stuff that we each had on our plates.  Going to Seattle is a lot more complicated than simply taking a ferry over to Vancouver!

After much planning and deliberation, we concluded that we could make it work, and committed to the decision.  Halle also played a large role in supporting me reaching this decision without pushing me into it.

With the decision made and committed to, it was simply a matter of waiting until I headed down.

Saturday

I got up at 4:30AM (!) and drove down to Seattle from Vancouver.  That is ludicrously early, but once you’ve committed to it, it’s quite a nice peaceful drive, and there’s something special about being awake and doing something in both the late hours of the night and the early hours of the morning.

When I arrived at our class, I smiled and said hello to all of the people milling about in the lobby.  A consecutive group runs on the same weekend, but began in June, rather than January like us.  I introduced myself to a group and started chatting with them.

I must admit that I was approaching this weekend with some arrogance.  I had already undertaken training, had paying clients, and was actively coaching and doing introductory sessions with anyone that was interested.  I felt like I already knew a lot of what was going to happen.  Put differently, I think I may have lost sight of the reason that I signed up for this program (or at least the significance and impact that this approach to coaching can have).

We went through some basic stuff to start off, and then took turns getting to know each other individually on a fairly fundamental level.  Ultimately the aim was to see someone for who they truly were, without any of themselves getting in the way.  Not only that, but how were we each getting in the way of ourselves?

Does some of this raise your scientific hackles?  It did for me too.  But that’s okay.  I believe in this, and I’m hoping that by reading about my own journey, you will soften and be able to see beyond that automatic reaction.

My turn

At this point, you’re probably wondering the same thing that I was wondering: What was I doing to get in my own way?  I spent a lot of time on growth and improving myself.  What was I doing that was to my own detriment?  What would everyone see in me?

It’s kind of funny: sitting their watching the other volunteers go through this process (often involving plenty of tears), you end up strategizing.  ”Well, what if they say this?  Well I’ve already done that, and I think I’m okay with it, so I’m okay”, etc.  Talking with the rest of my team afterwards, we realized we were all doing this.

I put up my hand and got up to go next.  What the heck was it going to be?

The answer?

My inability to expose vulnerability.  Let me say it again in big letters:

My inability to expose vulnerability

When you read this, it will just look like I’ve used a larger font.  It may impact on you a little bit better that way, but otherwise, it’s just larger letters.  But when you’re confronted with your own mechanisms, it is astounding how deeply it resonates with you.

First and foremost, because you are generally terrible at identifying and seeing it.  We construct these mechanisms at a very early age.  It’s how we protect our ego from harm, and get through the world.  It’s the means by which we avoid being hurt.  Not physically hurt, but emotionally and spiritually.

Second, because it’s been a part of you for so long, hearing it stated clearly for you resonates on an incredibly deep level.  Of COURSE that’s what I do.  It’s been that way ever since I moved schools and didn’t know anyone.  I saw kids in junior high school exposed and vulnerable, and getting made fun of as a result.  If I was able to lock that out, people couldn’t get at me.  I could be brilliant, creative and funny, but only when I was able to have control over the situation.  If I lost control, it would become possible for vulnerability to be exposed, and then who knows how much I could be hurt.

Once you’re triggered, you kind of just sit there thinking about all of the places where this contraption has been present.

• Awkward pause in the conversation?  Break eye contact.
• Walking to the bus and there are two acquaintances I know from school but am not really friends with them?  Adjust walking speed so that I don’t have to talk to them.
• Want to chat with someone but don’t know them too well?  Talk to them over e-mail or IM
• Worried about not fitting in?  Wear headphones and be engrossed in whatever I’m doing.  I can even convince myself that I’m not upset no one ever sits beside me at school.

Cleaning up the mess

As an ontological coach, what I am trained to do is see people for who they truly are, in their purest state of being.  No self-defence mechanism firing, no concern about judgment, no fears, no suffering, etc.  What are the set of qualities that you bring to the table when you are able to be yourself, unfettered and unhindered?  And how can we bring that more to the forefront while working on the projects that you identify as being important?

I ended with new resolve to work on myself.  This was a huge moment of awareness and I did not want it to slip away.  I went for a beer with some teammates and we chatted about our own stuff.

One of the great ironies of being exposed to your own stuff is that you look at everyone else and think “Gee, I wish I had that issue, that would be so easy to address”.  Which makes perfect sense, because it’s not yours.  If it was, it would be much harder to deal with.  I suspect many of my teammates thought “Gee, just expose some vulnerability?  The key is just unlocking it from the inside?  That must be nice” – just like I was doing when I heard their contraptions brought forward.

Since then

Since completing this, I’ve been working weekly with my coach to move forward.  I’ve taken some really big steps.  First, let me share my own essence with you, so that you have an understanding of where I’m coming from.  I am:

• Connection
• Wit
• Presence
• Passion
• Brilliance

(Sounds pretty cool right?).

As often as possible, I’ve been making an effort to act from this place of being, rather than doing what comes automatically out of my self-defence.  First day going back to school, I walked up to the bus stop and made an effort to smile to everyone I could.  And then I saw two people from second year at the bus stop.  I nodded to them and they nodded back – I had actually met one of them, Ben, before when I volunteered at the Fernwood Legal Aid Clinic, but I don’t think he recognized me.

I felt like, acting from a place of connection, I should be talking to them – connecting with them, dammit!  But those defences were firing strong.  So I didn’t.  Then our bus came, and we got on.  I followed them to the back, sat down beside them, and said “Ben right?”.  From there we just talked.

If this seems small and trivial to you, you probably don’t share the same anxieties and self-defences with me.  For me, this was a major victory, and incredibly empowering.  I was acting from a place of being, rather than doing something automatic (shut them out, put in the headphones, and believe that I was happy to be engaged with myself).

This month has been a consistent thread of events like this one I’ve just described.  It’s challenging, but recognizing that I am connection has been transformative.  I have what I need to not only act in accordance with my essence, but also to handle the potential of being hurt.  And let me tell you, acting in alignment with your essence is pretty damn empowering.

This should set the stage for what will happen over the coming year.  I’m excited to share it with you, and to continue to grow in this manner.  If reading this has inspired you, please, make the effort to connect yourself and get in touch with me or leave a comment.

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I’m on a ferry right now heading off to the first of what will be twelve intensive weekends spent in Seattle, attending more training related to coaching.  Victoria has just experienced a terrible week of weather, and while the rain seems to have settled a little bit, it’s dark and gloomy outside.  The lights are a little dimmer on the ferry, and the air is peaceful and quiet.  Most of the people beside me are working on their laptops.  One person is watching the latest Louis CK special and is not laughing out loud – clearly he’s crazy.

With this set playing from Nick Lewis, I’m feeling productive, so let’s get started.

Values?

I guess that’s got to be the first question.  What does it even mean when someone starts talking about values?  The term is being thrown around a fair bit these days, and I suspect that is often especially true when the economy is in a recession.  This strikes me as reasonable, since money represents one of the easiest ways to get distracted from what is really important to you.

Values are what genuinely matter to us.  They’re the things that, when we remove all distractions and look deep within ourselves, motivate our decisions.  Values are the reasons eating vegan is important to some people, but a waste of money to other people.

When you find yourself arguing with someone and both of you walk away convinced that you’re right and the other person is an idiot, it’s likely a case of the two of you holding different values.  It’s not that they’re ignorant because they don’t recognize the suffering that animals suffer, nor that you’re an idiot because you spend more money than you need to on things that aren’t that important.  One person simply holds money in high value (economics is a strong motivator for them) while the other person holds equality of animals and people in high value (justice is probably a strong motivator for them).

We generally feel our values at a very visceral level, and often act without being aware of them or how they are affecting our choices.  It might just be second-nature to you that you recycle certain things, but the extent to which you recycle is likely a function of your values.

Likewise, almost everyone does some kind of financial budgeting in their lives, but the degree to which they do so, as well as the emphasis they place on various things in their budget, is often a reflection of their values.  People that put a high amount of money away for investing probably hold economics and security in high regard.

But… boundaries?

Great question, me!  But first, what do I mean by boundaries?

Boundaries are our ability to set and maintain strong … boundaries.  Boundaries come into play constantly in our lives.  Here are just a few examples:

• Your boss comes in to your office and says “Hey, I’m going to need you to stay later tonight than you would normally have”, but provides no reason.  Whether you accept or reject this request is a function of how strong a boundary you put around your own time.
• A friend shows up on your doorstep and says “Hey, I’m bored and thought I’d stop by for dinner”.  Whether or not you feel compelled to oblige them (notwithstanding whether or not you actually want to) is a function of your boundaries.
• One of your divorced parents says “I’m going to need you to let your other parent know that they’re not welcome here any more”.  How you decide to act (notwithstanding whether or not that parent is justified in their statement) is a function of the boundaries you have set with your parents.

Boundaries are terribly important.  For one, they make it easier to turn down unwanted requests when they come our way.  Being mentally aware of what you are and are not willing to do goes a long way toward actually acting on it.  For another, the more times you act on a given boundary, the stronger you become in maintaining it.  Routine builds foundation.

Boundaries even help us with little things we would never imagine, like the socialization that happens around Christmas time.  If you have strong boundaries around what you will pay for a Christmas gift, you are better able to resist the social norming and marketing that imposes on us a duty to spend ever increasing amounts of money on gifts.  (“But they got me something really expensive last year, I should spend more this year!”)

The interplay

So how do these two concepts interact?  Very closely, actually.

First and foremost, it’s all fine and good to make a statement like “From now on, I will not let myself be taken advantage of in this way”.  But if you don’t understand why that is important to you, it becomes easier and easier to bargain and compromise with yourself the next time you’re put in that situation.

It may sound odd for me to suggest that we would bargain and compromise with ourselves in order to alter our boundaries at the very moment when we should be most committed to them.  However, it’s actually quite simple.  Boundaries come into play when you are facing pressure to act a certain way.  That pressure can come in many forms, but is most commonly social pressure.  Pressure from the person standing on your doorstep making a request of you, pressure from your relatives at Christmas-time and pressure from your boss asking you to stay later.

When we feel this pressure, the weaker and less affirmed our boundaries are, the easier it is for us to give in to the perceived social pressure and make compromises and bargains.  When your boss asks you to stay later and your boundary was only “I will not stay later more this month”, your train of reasoning will likely look something like:

“Well, he does have a point, there is a lot of work that needs to get done, and I can always go for a romantic dinner with my husband another night”.

Because the boundary itself does not have any inherent meaning to us, we are put in a position where we are more willing to acquiesce to the pressure and than find a way to rationalize it against the context of the boundary.  When we are faced with this kind of pressure, and our boundaries are simply words that we have stated only internally, we have nothing to focus on but the request being made.

Now, contrast that with a boundary that is backed and understood in the context of our values.  Understanding why a boundary is important to us makes it that much more real, and it instills the boundary at a more visceral level.  When we are faced with the same question, instead of being left in the position where we bargain with ourselves to reason why it’s okay to stay, we are now in a position where the question becomes:

“Am I willing to compromise my values of family and romance in order to stay later tonight?”

Do you see how much more powerful that question is?

Get to know yourself

Understanding who you are and what is most important to you is an integral factor in establishing firm boundaries and maintaining what is most important to you.  There is no end to the pressures exerted on us in our daily lives, and they come from every angle, most often unintentionally and covertly.  Due to how out of tune many of us are with our own values, we often don’t even realize that they have been trod upon.  All that we note is our unhappiness after the interaction.

Take note of the times when you find yourself making statements that are couched in the language of boundaries, and try to ask yourself why it is important to you.   Rather than focusing on what you do not want to have happen in the future, shift your focus to what you would like to have happen, and how that is important to you.  Move the conversation away from boundaries and into the context of your values.

Summary

Finally, the summary:

• Values are an incredibly important aspect of who we are.  They guide and direct many of our actions, most of the time subconsciously;
• Boundaries allow us to resist social and other forms of pressure.  Having strong boundaries goes a long way toward protecting yourself and your time, and allows you to act in ways that are more authentic to who you are; and
• Boundaries that are not connected to our values are easier to compromise and bargain away.  The strength of and commitment that you have toward your boundaries is a direct function of how tied they are to your values.

A quick update on me

Just a quick update on myself too – I started writing this article on my way to the start of what will be a year of education in ontological coaching (coaching based on the concept of who someone is in their purest form).  I cannot emphasize how transformative I feel this year will be.

While everyone brings a different set of self-defences to the table, I was shocked to be given the awareness that mine is an inability to show people my own vulnerability.

While this is incredibly meaningful to me, the impact of reading these words for you will likely be minimal.  I guess that’s how it has to remain for now (maybe it’s okay that I can’t always articulate an idea…?).  More to come as the coming year presses on.  Stay tuned and thanks for reading.

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The fall term is starting to draw to a close.  That means that my work at the Law Centre downtown is starting to wind to a close and I’m closing out or transferring the remaining files that I have.  It also means that my time is starting to free up a little bit and I will be able to focus more on building my coaching business.

This term has involved a tremendous amount of time and effort building the foundation for what I will do once I graduate.  Identifying the business name, determining the target market, what is my niche, who are the people that I can best connect with, how should I market to and connect with those people, etc., etc.  Building the foundation can be frustrating, because you don’t see the fast results that typically signal progress to us.  It goes slowly, and it doesn’t provide the changes on the surface that we typically associate with success or transformation.  But that’s because it’s foundation.  It’s the groundwork upon which all of that good and more exciting stuff is built.  Without the foundation, your efforts will crumble without the support they require.

I’ve also been conducting more experiments on myself, and that’s what I’m writing about today.

Retreating from your vices.

What does this mean?  At first brush, it sounds pretty negative doesn’t it?  Rather than dealing with the problems you have, just run away from them!  That’s not what I mean though – I mean take a retreat from them.  Maybe even a vacation, if you prefer that terminology.

The genesis for this post began when I decided that I wanted to drink less coffee.  I’ve always loved coffee.  I like the flavour and the smell, but most of all, I love the buzz.  I don’t know what it is, but that sense of getting energized is something that I’ve always been drawn to.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’m naturally a person with a lot of energy and I love to accomplish a lot of things.  Perhaps the ability to “overclock” my personal CPU and get even more cycles out of myself (or at least, provide the illusion that I’m doing that) is especially enticing as a result of my nature.

However, for a long time, I’ve felt like my relationship with coffee had become unhealthy.  It’s not that I required coffee to get up and start my day.  I’ve never really allowed myself to make it a habit to that extent.  The problem, for me, was more one of self-control (a theme you will see revisited a couple times in this post).  When I would decide it was time for coffee, I wouldn’t just drink one cup – I’d have three or four.  It wasn’t enough to simply get a mild buzz, I wanted to be vibrating!

When we ended our orientation and began working proper at the law clinic, I made the decision to drop coffee for a month, and see what the result would be.

Why?  There’s a few reasons why.

First, I wanted to see if I could do it.  I was pretty sure that I could (it’s just coffee right?), but nevertheless, I knew that I would feel a sense of accomplishment simply from having the discipline to do this.

Second, I wanted to give myself some time to reflect on what kind of relationship I wanted to have with coffee.  I recognize that describing my coffee habit as a relationship might seem a little dramatic, but the shoe fits, so why not.  Did I really want to drink coffee every day?  What about every second day?  Did weekends count?  These were all questions that I was trying to resolve, but found it difficult to do when I was actively drinking coffee.  I would think half-heartedly about the fact that I wanted to consume less, but the next day at work when I wanted to really get some work done, suddenly there was a cup of coffee in my hand.

Vices are funny things that way.  Alcohol is a great example.  The morning after a heavy night of drinking, it’s easy to look in the mirror and swear that you don’t plan to do that ever again, but next weekend, when all your friends are drinking at the party… well, you know how it goes.

The Next Step

Halfway through “The Great Caffeine Withdrawal” (as I dubbed it), I enjoyed the process enough that I decided to add two more experiments into the mix: alcohol, and refined sugar products.

There’s a never ending amount of research suggesting that alcohol is consistently linked with cancer, and I really don’t want to set myself up with habits for the rest of my life that are going to detract from my longevity and quality of life.  Alcohol had become a crutch for me in a lot of ways too.  Most often it was a way to loosen up in social situations, and, oddly enough, I used it as a cure for boredom.  Nothing to do?  No problem, have a few beers and play video games.

As for refined sugar, my decision was to drop things like cookies, donuts, pastries, pie, cakes, pop and juice.  For the most part I’m pretty good when it comes to eating sweet treats, but, as always the case with me, the biggest issue is self-control.  Bay would buy a bunch of cookies for our cookie jar at home, and while I would initially begin eating one cookie a day, before long I would be shoving three in my face as soon as I got home.

The Common Thread

The common thread that runs through each of these things I chose to retreat from is one of self-control.  Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses.  I have fantastic discipline, but absolutely terrible self-control.  I can set up systems of rules, and when I do, I’m excellent at adhering to those rules.  But, if you just put a bag of cookies, a 12-pack of beer and a pot of coffee in front of me and said “consume until you feel you’ve had enough”, you’d come back to a few crumbs, 12 empty bottles and me bouncing off the walls.

By setting up a specific duration of time during which I wasn’t going to consume any coffee, sugar or alcohol, I created a simple rule that I could follow — I exercise my discipline, rather than my self-control.

The Results

The results were really interesting.  Let’s start with coffee first.

I allowed myself to continue drinking tea, because tea has never really been an issue.  Sure, I will easily drink an entire pot of tea in one sitting, but that doesn’t cause me any problems and it wasn’t making me unhappy.  The relationship with tea was not a problem.  Also, since I never drank coffee consistently in the morning, it was never an issue to get out of bed or get the day started.  I would come in to work, make a cup of tea, and begin the day.

One thing that I did notice was the signalling that coffee produced.  In the past, coffee had always been something I would go and buy (or make) when it was time for me to really get down to work.  If I had a complicated problem that I wanted to work on, or needed to push through a lot of work in a short amount of time, the cup of coffee was a little signal that it was time to get into that mode.

Sure, I could make another cup of tea, but it just wasn’t the same. In the end, this came down to a matter of reprogramming myself.  If coffee had been the way that I had signalled to myself that it was time to get things rolling, I would have to substitute in a new signal.

I chose to use some specific songs, and switched from green tea to black tea when it was time to knuckle down.  This wasn’t really that problematic, but it was an interesting part of my relationship with coffee that I had not been aware of prior to this point.

Sugar had similar results.  It’s not that I was dependent on sugary treats – I exercised good discipline when at the store simply by not buying them.  Without having them at home, I wasn’t compelled to shovel the cookie jar into my face, and there was no problem.

The thing about refined sugar products was that they had come to symbolize a reward.  I first noticed this returning to work after having the charges against one of my clients stayed (which means that the Crown, for one reason or another, drops their case against the client – they effectively walk away from the charge).  I got back in to work and paced around a bit.  I felt like going and getting a donut, or something else sweet to symbolize the moment of triumph.  But, without having that option, I just sat back down.  I could make more tea, but there’s nothing special about that – I make tea all the time.

Again, the solution here was to come up with new ways to signal that success.  Separate the signal from the product itself, and then reattach something new to that signal.

The results for alcohol were a little more drastic.  Much like refined sugar and coffee, alcohol had come to symbolize certain things for me.  It symbolized relaxation and also symbolized the end of the week.  In addition to that, it was also a big part of socializing.  If I was going to meet up with people, drinks would usually be involved.

One really funny thing that I noticed was that I would find myself thinking things like “Hmm, well, there’s a party going on that I could go to, but I’m not drinking, so do I really want to be there?”  After reflecting on this a bit, it struck me that this statement really said more about the party than anything else.  If I wasn’t interested in going unless I was going to be drinking, why would I even want to be at the party in the first place?

I noticed another funny thing while not drinking.  Most of us that drink recognize that awkward moment between the first time you get together with a group and the end of the first drink, where everyone is friendly, but the vibe hasn’t quite settled in.  People are still figuring out where they’re comfortable and what to talk about and are generally focused a little too much in their heads, rather than simply being present.

This moment always passes, typically after everyone has finished their first drink.  The funny thing I noticed was that the moment passed regardless of whether or not I was drinking.  It was simply a matter of time and sitting in the slight awkwardness of the moment.  I’m sure that many of you won’t find this surprising at all, but to me, it was a bit of a revelation.  The fact that this moment passed once people had gotten a little bit liquor’d up was one of those things that I’d always simply assumed and never had any data to suggest otherwise.

Again, I’ve found myself in situations where I miss liquor.  Going out for dinner with Bay and cheers-ing our relationship with a glass of water to her nice glass of champagne just didn’t feel right.  Sitting around home and drinking tea with my parents was okay, but I enjoy drinking beer with friends and family.

So is it all gone for good?

Definitely not!  Removing certain vices from my daily life for the course of thirty days does not mean that I never intend to have them in my life again.  What it does mean is that I’ve cleared myself out from them and can now be completely present to the kind of relationship I want to have with them going forward.

As an example, I mentioned above that refined sugary treats had come to symbolize a reward – a treat when things have gone well.  This is the kind of relationship that I would like to have with this vice.  Not something I simply eat because I’m bored of studying and want something to break up the tedium.  Not something that I eat as a matter of course every single time I come home from work.

Alcohol, as I mentioned, is also a great way (for me) to celebrate, and is something I really enjoy sharing with good friends and family.  But again, I don’t want to have a relationship with liquor where celebrating means I drink my way through 12 beers in a night.

What about coffee?  Is it making it’s way back into my life?  Well, that’s the actual casualty of this experiment.  I don’t really miss it.  I substituted black tea for the moments when I wanted to supercharge myself, and I also drink decaffeinated beans when I really want that delicious taste that I enjoy.  If I’m not missing any other aspect of it, is there really a reason to make it a part of my life?  I can’t think of one.

And that’s the beauty of this approach – you don’t need to do anything in particular when you’re done.  Maybe you will finish your 30-day retreat and come to the conclusion that you’re content with the relationship you have.  Maybe you’ll change your mind and want to strike out some new balance.  Either way, you will hopefully arrive at your conclusion more present to what it means, and with more purpose and awareness behind the decision.

What does this mean for you?

Think of  something in your life for which you’re not particularly happy about the relationship you have with it.  It might be drinking, it might be overtime work, it might be exercise (maybe you hate jogging 4 days a week but you do it because you feel you have to).  Identify what it is, and isolate it.  Then, remove that thing’s presence from your life for the next 30 days – take a retreat from it.

More important than anything else here is that you commit to those 30 days.  Commit yourself to remove that thing from your life for those 30 days, and refuse to allow yourself to break this commitment.  When you find yourself missing that thing, or getting frustrated because you can’t have it, reflect on why that is.  Why are you missing it right now?  What does it mean?  Is this a reward system at play?  Is it a thing you use to relax?  (And is that the relationship you want to have with this thing?  Maybe you don’t want to need this thing in order to relax…)

Isn’t this just a cleanse?

It depends what you mean when you use the word “cleanse”.  For most of the people I see posting on Facebook, a cleanse is a ridiculous diet that does not have any scientific merit and is meant to “supercharge your health”, or at least clear out all of your toxins.  (Something that our biology has had millions of years worth of evolution to do far better than lemon juice, honey and cayenne pepper ever will).

Further, I don’t see how you could possibly intelligently reflect on the relationship you have with something when making such a drastic change to your overall diet.  Removing coffee from your system is one thing.  Removing all solid foods is quite another.  Your system will be in such a state of shock that it will be a challenge to focus on anything other than how much you want to feel some texture between your molars.

Summary

Here’s the summary for those of you that want all of the sex and none of the foreplay:

• Temporarily retreating from your vices can be a great way to gain better control of them
• Removing the influence of a vice in your life will put you in a better position to understand how it affects you, and what kind of relationship you have with it (and remember, vices aren’t just something you consume – they can include things like work!)
• Use moments of desire as an opportunity for reflection, rather than regret or frustration
• Taking a retreat from something in your life does not mean it has to be permanent
• The goal in an exercise like this is to end up more present and conscious of the decisions that you are making.  If you can achieve that, you’ve scored a victory for yourself and your self-awareness.

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The summer is drawing to a close, and I feel like I have a little bit of distance and time to reflect.  I took on a tremendous amount on this term.  I achieved many of my goals, but wound down the term feeling a little burnt out.  Since my goal for school was to actually get away with giving it less of my time and attention (while maintaining a GPA that I was happy with), I won’t focus any more on that.

[Update: I just got my grades and this goal was a success.  My GPA did not drop at all and I was able to devote much more time to other pursuits this summer.  Feels good to celebrate a success!]

While completing the term, I put a lot of effort into setting up my coaching practice, and I have been regularly coaching a number of clients throughout the summer.  We’ve had some great successes, and it’s been very inspiring to be a part of this process.  As part of my goal, I’ve been undergoing coaching myself, and this has been a surprising journey.

Exploring things like what motivates me, how I derive value, and what my strengths and weaknesses are has been confusing and enlightening.  Often both at the same time.  One astounding insight I had was the realization that I’m an intuitive person.  When I told my Mum, she said “Well, yah, wouldn’t you say that you’ve always been a very intuitive person?”.  It’s funny, the most significant discoveries we make about ourselves are often those that are already obvious to everyone else.  It’s taking me 32 years to come to this realization.  I’m fairly certain I would have come to it eventually as time bore on, but through coaching, this process was vastly more efficient and my growth was accelerated.

One of the assessments that I undertook as a result of this ongoing process was from a book titled “Strengths Finder 2.0″, by Tom Rath.  The book is pretty short, and is really just a compendium of the various strengths (as the author has chosen to categorize them).  The real meat of the process comes from filling out a test online and then see what strengths are fed back to you.  (Unlike the Myers-Briggs tests I did when I was in secondary school, this test had just shy of 200 questions, rather than 20).

Today, I’m sharing my own strengths, so that you can get a glimpse into what sort of things you can explore through coaching.  Imagine if you could move yourself in a direction where we you were working with all of your strengths, instead of weaknesses.  Wouldn’t everyone be better off in this situation?  By working with a coach, we can all move in the direction of where we are our greatest and most authentic selves.

Let’s look at my results:

Strategic

The strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route.  It is not a skill that can be taught.  It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large.  This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity.  Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, “What if this happened?  Okay, well what if this happened?”.  This recurring question helps you see around the next corner.  There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles.  Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections.  You discard the paths that lead nowhere.  You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance.  You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion.  You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path — your strategy.  Armed with your strategy, you strike forward.  This is your Strategic theme at work: “What if?” Select. Strike.

My biggest take-away:

• Trust your intuitive insights as often as possible.  Even though you might not be able to explain them rationally, your intuitions are created by a brain that instinctively anticipates and projects.  Have confidence in these perceptions.

Learner

You love to learn.  The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning.  The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you.  You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence.  The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered — this is the process that entices you.  Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences — yoga or piano lesson or graduate classes.  It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments are are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one.  This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential.  The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there”.

My biggest take-away(s):

• Refine how you learn.  For example, you might learn best by teaching; if so, seek out opportunities to present to others.  You might learn best through quiet reflection; if so, find this quiet time.
• Be a catalyst for change.  Others might be intimidated by new rules, new skills, or new circumstances.  Your willingness to soak up this newness can calm their fears and spur them to action.  Take this responsibility seriously.

Relator

Relator describes your attitude toward your relationships.  In simple terms, the Relator theme pulls you toward people you already know.  You do not necessarily shy away from meeting new people — in fact, you may have other themes that cause you to enjoy the thrill of turning strangers into friends — but you do derive a great deal of pleasure and strength from being around your close friends.  You are comfortable with intimacy.  Once the initial connection has been made, you deliberately encourage a deepening of the relationship.  You want to understand their feelings, their goals, their fears, and their dreams; and you want them to understand yours.  You know that this kind of closeness implies a certain amount of risk — you might be taken advantage of — but you are willing to accept that risk.  For you a relationship has value only if it is genuine.  And the only way to know that is to entrust yourself to the other person.  The more you share with each other, the more you risk together.  The more you risk together, the more each of you proves your caring is genuine.  These are your steps toward real friendship, and you take them willingly.

My biggest take-away:

• You might tend to withhold the most engaging aspects of your personality until you have sensed openness from another person.  Remember, building relationships is not a one-way street.  Proactively “put yourself out there.”  Others will quickly see you for the genuine individual you are, and you will create many more opportunities to cultivate strong, long-lasting connections
• (See: 1.  This blog.  2.  This experiment)

Communicator

You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write.  This is your Communicator theme at work.  Ideas are a dry beginning.  Events are static.  You feel a need to bring them to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid.  And so you turn events into stories and practice telling them.  You take the dry idea and enliven it with images and examples and metaphors.  You believe that most people have a very short attention span.  They are bombarded by information, but very little of it survives.  You want your information — whether an idea, an event, a product’s features and benefits, a discovery, or a lesson — to survive.  You want to divert their attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in.  This is what drives your hunt for the perfect phrase.  This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful word combinations.  This is why people like to listen to you.  Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act.

My biggest take-away:

• If you enjoy writing, consider publishing your work.  If you enjoy public speaking, make a presentation at a professional meeting or convention.  In either case, your Communicator talents will serve to assist you in finding just the right way to frame your ideas and state your purpose.  You delight in sharing your thoughts with others, so find the medium that best fits your voice and message.
• Volunteer for opportunities to present.  You can become known as someone who helps people express their thoughts and ambitions in a captivating way.

Discipline

Your world needs to be predictable.  It needs to be ordered and planned.  So you instinctively impose structure on your world.  You set up routines.  You focus on timelines and deadlines.  You break long-term projects into a series of specific short-term plans, and you work through each plan diligently.  You are not necessarily neat and clean, but you do need precision.  Faced with the inherent messiness of life, you want to feel in control.  The routines, the timelines, the structure, all of these help create this feeling of control.  Lacking this theme of Discipline, others may sometimes resent your need for order, but there need not be conflict.  You must understand that not everyone feels your urge for predictability; they have other ways of getting things done.  Likewise, you can help them understand and even appreciate your need for structure.  Your dislike of surprises, your impatience with errors, your routines, and your detail orientation don’t need to be misinterpreted as controlling behaviours that box people in.  Rather, these behaviours can be understood as your instinctive method for maintaining your progress and your productivity in the face of life’s many distractions.

My biggest take-away(s):

• Others may confuse your Discipline talents with rigidity.  Help them understand that your discipline helps you pack more effectiveness into a day — often because you prioritize your time.  When working with others who are not as disciplined, ask them to clarify deadlines so you can adjust your workload to accommodate their requests.
• Timelines motivate you.  When you have a task to complete, you like to know the deadline so you can plan your schedule accordingly.  Apply your Discipline talents by outlining the step-by-step plan you will use.  Others will appreciate your cues because they will help keep everyone “on task”.

Moving forward

I’m entering my third year of law school, and am currently trying to sort out exactly where I want to take the next phase of my life (along with Bay, of course).  Career choices are available to me, and the real conflict that is starting to emerge is one that I’m well familiar with: Doing what “should” be done, or what I want to do?  At the core of this conflict is the battle between doing what social pressure tells me to do and doing what I feel passionate about.

I know that my intuition is right, but now I have to figure out what that means, what the consequences of pursuing that path of action are, and how to explain what I feel to the other people that are affected by my decisions.  I’m unwilling to make changes in my life that would affect the people I love without them being onboard, so it’s really important to me that I’m able to understand what I want to do and why I want to do it.  Keep checking back and I promise I will provide updates.  This is a journey that we all undertake, so I hope that by sharing my own insights, we can all grow a little bit.

I have been seeking inspiration for a while – I want to keep writing, but none of the blog ideas I’ve stored are jumping out at me.  So help me out: post a comment or message me privately and suggest something for me to write about.  We both win – you get to hear a different perspective on something that’s on your mind, and I get to know that there are people out there that think about the same things I do.  And hey, we both get to learn!

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Just in the process of editing and publishing some posts proper.  In the meantime, here are three collages I’ve created from photos I’ve taken over the course of this Summer.

[Update: Links to full-size photos were not originally working.  Resolved now!]

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I’ve been in a bit of a creative rut lately.  Work is good (great, even), I’ve adjusted to living in another city, and I’m starting to form a bit of routine.  But creatively, I just haven’t felt engaged or energized.  The result of that is little energy to actually create something like a blog post, and less energy overall (the more you can put out, the more you receive – it’s funny that way).  In the process of the last few days, this has meant that I’ve had an abundance of time to sit with nothing to do but meditate and reflect.

Spending time in this state is valuable, but it can be tiresome too.  As a driven person, I reach the point where I’m once again ready (eager, even) to feel traction under my wheels and start driving myself forward.

One of the aims I have this Spring is to continue my growth as a dancer.  This process has been ongoing for years, but recently I have taken note of three specific landmarks.  The first was during the Summer of 2009.  I was still working in software, and took a week-long trip over to Vancouver for the opportunity to dance and train with some of the originators of Popping, House, Locking, and HipHop.  It was an amazing opportunity, and was the first time I had been exposed to this depth of knowledge.  I left this week feeling like I had been shown what I needed to know, rather than what I had wanted to know.  This feeling was a bit disconcerting at first, but is ultimately an indication that you have learned something deep, and fundamental; something that will stay with you for the rest your creative pursuit.

The second milestone occurred this Summer, and culminated with the second Get Down workshop.  I was opened up to the social element of dancing, thanks to the fantastic teachers that I got to train with and the warm and welcoming people that make up Vancouver’s dance scene.  This too was an experience that caught me off guard, as up until this point, most of my dancing had been at home or doing drills with friends in front of a mirror.  I had been opened up to a side of dancing that I had been sheltered from for the better part of my first ten years spent dancing.

The third milestone was this Fall.  I returned to Victoria with a greater sense of what I wanted to have exist on our own island, and took steps to plant the seeds that would hopefully develop into something greater as time went on.  I also came back with a wealth of knowledge that I hadn’t been able to articulate, let alone been truly aware of for the first part of my time spent teaching dancing.  This time I had worked with better teachers than I, and been shown so much more that I wanted to share.  Although my classes were smaller this term, I felt like it was the best set that I have taught since I’ve begun teaching.

Now I’m back in Vancouver for another term, and the creative rut that I’m determined to climb out of has lead me to consider what some of my personal projects should be.  I’m talking about dancing, so it’s obvious that that’s the goal I’m going to be talking about today.

Before we go any further, “dancing”, by itself, is not a goal.  How do I know when that goal has been accomplished?  How do I gauge if I have made any progress in that goal?  Does doing anything related to dancing qualify?  If I think about dancing for ten minutes tomorrow, does that count?

I’m of course using hyperbole to make my point here, but I think that what I’m describing makes intuitive sense.  A lot of times, we tell ourselves we’re making a goal, and then leave it utterly vague.  ”Budget more”, “Eat out less”, and “Save” are goals that I’m sure more than a few of us can relate to.  However, no one ever teaches us that a goal needs to be broken down to be meaningful.  Until we have a handle on something like this, our goal is nothing more than an abstract desire to do something differently.  Most importantly, it’s no help.

My goal is ultimately continue to improve as a dancer.  Now, while this is already a violation of what I’ve described above, I’m deciding up front that the means by which I will accomplish this more abstract goal is to take efforts to put myself in situations where I’m not the best dancer.

Let’s talk about that.  This does not mean that I think I am a fantastic dancer (But I do know that I love it and work at it), nor that other people dancing with me are bad.  This goal is purely an articulation of my desire to train with the people that are best going to be able to pull me up in terms of my skill level.  Truly talented people can be intimidating, but the key is to replace that intimidation with an awe and a genuine desire to soak up what you can from them.  The more often you can surround yourself with talented people, the more their particular talents and way of looking at the world will rub off on you (genuinely a positive thing).  Of course, the opposite is true as well: the more time you spend with people that are narrow-minded and have a cynical view of the world, the more that will wear off on you.

So the goal here is actually quite simple: seek out those that are better than I, and spend time dancing with them in whatever capacity I can.  Taking classes is one way that I can ensure that I achieve this aim.  Actually committing to going out to practice with other dancers at any jam-times available is another way.  If I only ever dance by myself or in front of a mirror, I will only be able to improve within the confines of the box that currently defines my working set of creative knowledge.  If we want to truly achieve greatness, we need to ensure that we associate with people that help us continually push at the boundaries of our own knowledge and conceptions about how the world works.  (Incidentally, one of the tragedies of ignorance is that it causes people to turn inwards and get defensive toward the very type of personalities and concepts that would help shed them of that very ignorance).

I have another goal this term.  I intend to teach my own classes somewhere downtown in Victoria.  I have already been teaching classes, but up until now have been doing it for Vibestreet Dance (big ups to VSD).  However, VSD does not have classes this Summer, and it seems like an excellent time and opportunity to begin putting my own thing together.  I’ll be working with my friend Jesse to put something together, and we’re also planning to teach a Soul class together, focusing on grooving, feeling the music, and ultimately, just learning how to get down and be funky.  Jesse is one of the most creative people I know, and I think the opportunity to work with him will be fruitful.  I’m excited to see what our synergy will result in.

Time, weather, and city permitting, I’m going to be giving very informal classes at Centenniel Square, right downtown.  These classes will be very cheap (probably no more than $5 to drop-in), and are basically a way for people to continue to grow as a dancer.  Focus will be on fundamentals, and this kind of class is an excellent way to get more comfortable dancing where people can see you.  This is one of the biggest challenges that many dancers have to face (I certainly put myself in that category), and it’s hard to get much more legit than getting down, outside, in an urban setting.

If you’re interested in hearing more about these classes, join my group on Facebook here.

So, it’s back to Vancouver that I go, now with a new goal, and some personal projects to work on over the coming term.  I sense that I’m starting to move out of my creative rut, and can begin to apply some focus in a direction that I’m excited about.  Stay tuned as I will continue to blog about my progress, anything new that I learn, and the status of the projects I’m working on.

Lastly, I want to give someshout-outs to the great teachers that I get to work with in Vancouver: Johnni, Jamieson, Kim, and Dennis are all contributing significantly to my growth while I spend time in Vancouver, and it’s a honour to get to work with people that share their passion and talent for dancing so generously.  These guys help me become not only a better dancer, but a better teacher.  Thanks guys!

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