Time to put myself out there again. My intent here is to actually own my own stuff as it shows up — not to be melodramatic about it. I believe that we all experience these sensations from time to time. It’s okay to have them, and the more we share and allow them, the more they can flow through us. So here’s where I find myself today.
I’m bouncing in and out of fear like a pinball machine. I’m in breakdown (so I do declare) and realize I have been here for about three weeks, if not longer.
I need reassurance that I can actually achieve the big goals I’ve set for myself, and have a story that that reassurance ultimately needs to come from within — so what’s the point of even asking for reassurance?
My teammate, Brian, in San Diego, reflected to me that just because I’m on a journey to generate that trust and reassurance from within doesn’t mean that I don’t need some externally to support me as I move forward.
My coaching practice is full, and I’ve never felt more like my client game is in breakdown. I judge myself as not being a powerful enough coach for at least a month now. And, I can own that when I do, I quickly pave over the feeling by finding the things that I’m doing wrong. I set up complimentary sessions with new people, but those people aren’t really interested in powerfully moving their lives forward. They’re tourists — curious about what I do, but not so much in creating breakthroughs in their lives.
I can see the pattern, and yet don’t seem willing to choose something else.
I’m practicing slowing down, and it makes me want to run faster than ever before. “There’s more to do, I’m not doing enough, hurry up and get new clients you useless piece of shit, why the fuck can’t you generate anything, augh!” is how my inner voice rages away. It’s an all-out war inside my head; a battle between peace and tranquility and my judgments and stories.
I’m sad. I’m sad that I am not experiencing joy. I’m sad that every bit of success feels fleeting.
My projects sit derelict, like half-constructed model airplanes sitting in my room as a child, and my metaphors feel like melodramatic facebook posts.
I’m embarrassed to share this with you — not because I’m having these thoughts, feelings, body sensations, etc. — that’s natural. I’m embarrassed because I can see that I’m currently unwilling to let go of them.
You know what’s funny? It’s the judgment about being unwilling to let go that is keeping me stuck. What I can see is that if I simple let myself be where I’m at, things would start to slide forward. As long as I hang on to the judgment about where I am and who I am being, nothing can shift.
I guess what I want to enroll *you* in is actually noticing where you do the same thing yourself. Where do you find yourself in a certain place, and then rather than empower wherever you happen to be, judge and resent yourself for it?
Don’t bother sharing it with me though, I’m going to be over here kicking my own ass for where I’m currently at.