Here’s a really simple definition of gaslighting: It is when I tell you to stop trusting yourself and what you are feeling, and instead listen to what I’m saying.

It’s a pretty characteristic aspect of abuse, as if I can convince you to stop trusting your own intuition and senses, and instead take what I say at face value, I can do all manner of awful things to you.

So gaslighting is an important distinction.

But, in the realm of transformation, the notion of gaslighting is highly problematic.

Transformation does not lie inside the world of that which you already know — in order to create a new kind of experience for yourself, you’ll need to get into the unknown, and most importantly, you’ll need to get into your blindspots.

Your blindspots are the areas where you not only can’t see, but you also can’t see that you can’t see.

A better way to put that is that your blindspots are areas that you can’t see, but will insist that you CAN see.

Imagine you’re someone that has an internal experience that you don’t get angry because you think anger has no value. Then, let’s imagine I reflect to you how you seem to get really angry with people when you’re driving.

You will have a perfectly reasoned and justified explanation for why the way you show up when you’re driving is different than the anger you’re talking about, and how it’s justified and explainable and so on.

And if you’re sitting here reading this, thinking, “Ah, yah. That makes sense. But I’m not like that with my anger. And I’m really open to hearing about what my blindspot is”, then consider that’s how it sounds to have a blindspot.

You won’t be open to it. None of us are.

You’re not special that way — you’re a human.

So, the reason all of this matters is because when it comes to supporting your transformation, the nature of the blindspot tells us that we will come into a crucible moment.

That crucible moment is the moment where someone reflects to you the piece of information you most need, you pause, and then you say “Nah, I don’t think that’s right. Here’s how it is…”

You’re inevitably going to reject the piece of reflection that will set you free.

And so, we’ve got a problem.

In order to step into your breakthrough and transformation, you’re going to have to intentionally set aside what your senses and intuition are currently telling you.

Instead, you’ll have to choose to trust someone that sits outside of you, because that is the only way you can effectively see your blindspots.

The trouble with a hyper-vigilance towards gaslighting is that it makes this almost impossible to take on. And so, you end up stuck in the world you currently have.

This stuckness isn’t a problem if you aren’t interested in transformation. If you’re happy with what you’ve created, and don’t desire for anything beyond it, cool.

But if you say you want transformation, it’s important to recognize there will come a point where you will have to trust someone over your own experience in the moment.

That’s a scary position to be in, and it requires finding teachers, coaches and leaders that you can trust.

What I recommend doing is finding people that are deeply engaged in their own work. They’ve walked through the fires I’ve described here again and again, and will hold your trust with grace and sacredness.

Transformation isn’t for the faint of heart. Take it on anyway. ❤️