I Gave You My Best

 

You’ve loaded up your profile and you see that I’ve accepted your connection.

You open with a wave, and once I respond, you launch in.

You’ve got a story that you’re excited to share with me, and you’re also excited to meet me, and you can see how great I am from my profile, /and/ on top of that, the excitement is to the max when it comes to sharing about what I can do to support you.

You send off your messages and wait for my response.

You don’t have to wait long.

I notice a new message on my screen, and open it up.

Wow, that’s a lot of text.

I’m reeling from the flurry of blows that have come across the internet and landed in my inbox. Curious, I read through what you’ve written. And then I’m left with the impact.

We’ve only just met, and it feels like you’re asking me “So, you ready for sex yet?”

I reel a little, and take some time to get myself back into my heart. My first instinct is to block you, and my second instinct is to send you a condescending diatribe. I’m good at condescending diatribes — you won’t bother messaging me again after one of those. So, in a way, that would solve the problem.

Instead, I try to get back present to the kind of person you actually are, rather than the one you’re coming across as. This weird marketing message isn’t who you really are. This is you on shaky legs, trying to do things differently, maybe feeling a little afraid.

So I let you know how it landed, with as much love as I can convey over text. I let you know it’s fine and there’s nothing wrong with coming off that way; and, that there’s an impact.

You receive a message back from me.

Wow. That’s offensive. You were just trying to share yourself with someone, and I’m taking it all kinds of wrong ways. I just don’t understand, you’re just sharing what you’re up to, the same way you’d share with everyone.

This mission really matters to you! And this jerk is more interested in making you wrong for it, than in learning about your story. You wonder if I even read your story before responding. Probably not.

You apologize, because you’re gracious, and you share where you’re coming from. I just don’t understand what you mean.

But I do understand what you mean. What your driving at makes complete sense, and what you can’t see is that your approach to doing so is getting in the way.

I don’t need to offer you this. I could just block you, or send you a heart emoji, or do anything else. I’m as gentle as I can be and don’t try to push anything on you.

You share that you have no agenda at all in this conversation, which stands in ironic contrast to the message I received from you five minutes earlier asking me to go to your GoFundMe page.

I offer you that reflection, but you can’t hear it. You insist that there’s no agenda in that, you’re just sharing what you’re up to.

I understand. You didn’t come to this conversation to have this reflected to you. You came for support in your mission!

I know that this medium doesn’t really serve for this kind of conversation. And yet, this is really the only opportunity I’ll ever have to make any kind of impact in your life. It would be easier to simply send you a heart emoji and end the connection. There’s not really much of a connection anyhow.

Instead, I take a swing, and I release any of my own attachment to you being able to receive what I have.

You explain to me how I’ve got it all wrong. I don’t understand.

Maybe I don’t.

I send you a heart emoji and wish you well.

I gave my best.