Mid-Week Live Coaching: Bryan
Possibility exposes you to disappointment. In this mid-week live coaching episode, Adam is joined by Bryan Tarr as they talk about effortlessly connecting with and attracting ideal clients and the notion of possibility. Adam addresses Bryan’s tendency for broad visionary thinking and how it should relate to a call to action. Adam and Bryan dive into the notion of possibility and the existing fear that comes along with this. Tune in and learn how you can operate from the shadows of possibility.
Listen to the Episode Here:
Mid-Week Live Coaching: Bryan
We’re doing a coaching conversation with Bryan Tarr. I know Bryan in the early days when I was training coaches, leading coach development, and leadership development in San Diego. He was one of our guest clients. We’ve kept in touch and he’s followed along with my work, so it’s a real treat to get to be in this conversation with him. There are a couple of things you’ll notice in this conversation. The first one is what I would call Bryan’s tendency towards broad visionary thinking. As he’s describing his goals, notice how vague they sound. It’s not that they’re bad. It’s not that vague is not okay. A vision is ought to be vague.
If your vision is like, “I go to the mailbox and mail this letter,” that’s not a big vision for you to live into in your life. While we need a nice broad vision for something, we also need to create a container for that in terms of the immediate future because otherwise, we don’t have anything that calls us forward to action. At the start of this conversation, I was like, “We’ve got us a humungous scope in where are we going to go.” I initially thought that most of this conversation would be about Bryan’s resistance to getting specific, but as you’ll notice as we go further, some emotion starts to come up for him as we are looking at this and that’s where we drop in and dive into that.
It starts to become clear, “This is not about just a generic resistance to getting specific. There’s a particular reason for it and it makes a great deal of sense.” The last thing that I want to draw your attention to is I was talking about this notion of possibility and fear existing in equal and opposite countermeasure and how people with a great deal of capacity for possibility struggle with this. If you’re not one of these people, you have your own struggles. We all do. Every light brings with it a shadow. Every gift, a curse. Every curse, a gift. The trouble with possibility is it exposes you to disappointment. If you can see what could be in crystal clear vision, then you can also see the gap between where we are and what could be, and that leads to disappointment.
The shadows that people operate and get created from the being of possibility tend to be cynicism where you crushed your own possibility, so to the world, you’re like, “You’re saying you’re going to do that thing, but it doesn’t make a difference because I know the truth.” You don’t ever have to face any disappointment or failure because you’re setting the bar so low or more of a childlike unwillingness to put your feet on the ground. That way, you can just hang out in possibility all day long. You never have to make a declaration and you never have to fail at it.
They’re both means of avoiding the shadow, fear, and consequence of having access to a great deal of possibilities. If that concept interests you, then reach out and ask for a copy of the Spectrums of Being. That’s a book that is available in limited circulation. We’ve got an alpha edition. You can read about that and possibility as well as many other qualities of being. I hope you enjoy this conversation. I did. Bryan is a beautiful human being and you’ll love the exploration. Enjoy.
You were a guest client. I’ve got that part right, right?
Did you do the program right after? How did that play out for you? You did the program, right?
The coaching program did me after that episode. It was time that it changed my life in that period. From being the guest coach, I had no idea what was going to happen to me. Personally, I was the guest coach. This is interesting because it was like having a new relationship every 30 days. The first one, I was like, “I love this. We’re getting into it. We’re diving. I trust them. It’s intimate. They’re gone. I feel like we’re breaking up but here’s a new one.” It was weird for the first couple of ones, but I realized what that created. My intention was to show up as the best client I could have, feedback, fully engaged. Through the process, it was transforming me into being a coach because after I went through that program, people started popping up all over the place. “Tell me about this. What do you mean?” “I’ve got questions. I can’t figure this out.” All of a sudden, it pulled me into the role of being a coach. I had no intention of being a coach. It wasn’t like I said, “Someday, I’m going to be a coach.”
You were a speaker at the time, right?
Yes, I was a speaker, I was a social media person, and I wanted to get better at that. Coaching wasn’t even on my radar.
Did you take the coach training program after that or were you a guest client and then moved on from that?
As a guest client and after that, I began to figure out what does this coaching thing mean? How am I going to be a coach? I said to somebody afterward, “I don’t want to be coached.” They said, “Are people coming to you and sharing details?” “Yes.” “Are you giving some homework to them?” “Yes.” “Are you following up with them?” “Yes.” “Do you care more about the results than they do?” “Yes.” “Welcome. You’re a coach.” Afterward, because my life had shifted from what I thought I was going to be, I had to figure out how is this coaching going to show up in my life?
It’s a good origin story. Riddle me this. What are we going to coach around? What are we going to dive into?
Something is happening in my life. At the top of COVID, I’ve been working on building the coaching business, working on moving people from scattered to scaling their businesses and being effective at that. Right about the top of it, when everything was changing, I had a conversation with myself, I said, “Is this the hobby or is this what you’re serious about?” I began to take full responsibility. It’s almost like birthing a baby. This is not somebody’s baby you’re watching. This is yours. Are you getting responsible for everything? I made that commitment.
When I did, everything began to show differently. I began to look for clients and serve them in the best way that I could, but something is showing up that I’m doing more than just helping to create efficient systems, making technology work, and learning to work with teams. I’m beginning to realize that I’m helping them build a way of running their business that they have never thought of before. A way of communicating, expressing their voice, and leveraging technology and people.
It’s almost starting to become like a movement. I’m learning so much more about myself and how I need to show up. I want to know that thing that I don’t know, that I don’t know. There’s something beginning to shift for me to break out and show up as Brendon Burchard, Lisa Nichols, and Adam. Somebody with the bold courage to share my story, show it, lead others, and focus on how I can do this in an exponential way.
The more present you are to possibility, the scarier it becomes. Click To Tweet
I got the, “I want to learn what I don’t know that I don’t know.” I got a loose idea of this notion of exponential growth or 10X-ing or whatever the term for it is. What I’m not clear is what is it you want to create? What for do that stuff towards what?
What I want to create and what I’m on my way to creating is being that individual who is able to speak to large people, large crowds supported by programs that are helping people to become excellent at running their businesses and scaling them. Business is the best personal development program in the world. You learn so much about yourself. I want to lead by example. What that feels like is being even more vulnerable in sharing more of my story and letting go of what people may think or what people may see. Taking more risks and being a good student in learning what I need to do, how I need to do it, and how I need to change it.
Bryan is going through shepherding of life. Life is teaching me that I was created for something quite big and everything I’ve been going through has been a process in that. There may be resistance and fears showing up. Thank you for letting me go into this. Oftentimes, my brain snaps into fear, doubt, and how. It immediately starts thinking, “We’ve got to work on this and we’ve got to create it,” or “We have to craft it,” or “We have to dictate how it’s going to turn out to be safe and secure,” when that’s not even how it’s going to happen. The world of the unknown and uncertain is where this happens and allowing life to be able to create their clients and path.
Are you clear on what it is?
The thing that I’m creating?
What you said was, “I started thinking about how to create it.” I’m asking, are you clear on what it is?
Immediately, my brain goes into the analytical thinking of what do I need to do to guarantee that this will work?
I don’t think you’re answering my question. Do you remember my question?
Yes. What it was?
Are you clear on what it is?
What’s the it that you want to create? Let’s do it this way. Let me start by reflecting on something. I noticed you have access to a great deal of vision, but I’m not clear so much on where the rubber hits the pavement. I want to create a bit of a container in which we can explore this. Where do you want to be saying a year’s time as far as this vision is concerned?
As far as the vision is concerned, I look at it what would be fun. What would be fun is that in a year’s time, I’m traveling to fun, adventurous places paid for by others or paid for by the business, and dropping into communities or other businesses as an influence. Creating community, bonding, and movement and showing up in different places. Some of them may be communities I visit. Some of them may be communities or businesses that I’m a part of. I’m traveling the world, getting to experience the world, having a great time, and meeting great people while being an influence. Supported by business and programs in doing that will be fun because I’ve got a beautiful traveling partner that goes with me. She and I are developing the deepest relationships. She’s as powerful as I am. What that will look like is a growing audience and community of thousands of people that I’m able to influence by what we’re doing.
How specific would you say that was?
How specific as far as the details?
As far as specificity is concerned.
I get the idea. If we imagine that we were going to use this as a measuring stick or a way for a child to hold you accountable, not to make you wrong or force you to do it, but like, “Did he do it or not?” That child would not have much chance. Let’s get a little more specific. What specifically would you want to be creating or making that would be a reflection of that vision you have?
In a year, $20,000 income coming each month which takes care of everything that I need to do in business and in life that makes my life comfortable. The business is running well, having a large number of clients, maybe ten one-on-one clients, and a couple of hundred people in a separate program that’s not one-on-one. That is all supported by teams, assistant coaches, and virtual assistants so that that is flowing with or without Bryan and that’s flowing well.
You don’t have to touch that?
No. I don’t need to touch it. How else can I be more specific? Each month, I’m traveling to a place for business or for fun that I’ve never been to before. There’s so much of the world that I want to explore. In a year, Thailand, Bali, Australia, and many trips to Maui. I fell in love with Maui.
Was there more?
My physical fitness, wellness, good shape, flexible, and strong, hiking often, and doing sports often. Diving deep into nature as often as I can because it fills me and feeds my soul. Every month, I hold a workshop teaching people how to balance stones using breathwork and listening to the balance called rock yoga and an effort to teach them instant meditation and witnessing a shift in their body. It’s a practice that I have had but I haven’t fully leaned into it, so that would also be there.
You’ve got a business that’s making $20,000 a month, ten one-on-one people, 200 people in a program that you don’t have to necessarily touch very much. You might want to but you don’t have to. You’re traveling to a new location every month. Physically, you’re flexible, healthy, living a good life, and also doing some rock yoga to some extent, breathing exercises, and stuff like that.
We didn’t put the partner in there. I have an amazing relationship with a wonderful woman who is powerful in her own nature. She has her own business, destiny, mission, and is strong in that. Together, we’re strong. We’re able to travel together anywhere that we go. I may go with her and she may go with me. We may witness each other’s journeys separately and there would be the beginning of a conversation about having a child.
There’s creating a partner in this too. What do you notice about where we started and where we are now?
A lot more specific. This dream is so real. I can see it and I can feel it.
I noticed that too. There’s something we can hold on to. We can see if you’re going towards it or not.
I see that I was resisting giving that kind of detail out.
I don’t know. I just noticed that there was a resistance to going into that detail. What if it comes through? I don’t know what that’s going to look like. I don’t know what it’s going to feel like. It’s unpredictable and unsafe. That’s what I can see is the resistance coming up, wanting to pull me back into safe, predictable, and comfort.
What’s safe about keeping it vague?
If it doesn’t happen, I’m not disappointed because it’s so vague.
There’s no failure. I’m going to speak to people reading. Is that okay?
Bryan is one of these people with a beautiful ability to think blue sky. What will typically happen in the world is people with this capacity learn as Bryan’s been generous enough to share with us like, “If I keep it vague, I never fail.” It’s like, “As long as I don’t set a clear I want to win the Olympics by 2020, I’ve got the rest of my life, and then maybe even my afterlife to win the Olympics at some point.” As soon as we say 2020 will shit, now you’ve got shit to do, or you’re going to have to confront not getting it and be with everything that drives up.
Not getting something is also a gift because then, we can look and see like, “How come I didn’t get it?” We’re not there yet. I love that you’re acknowledging there’s some resistance showing up because that’s typically what will happen. As we try to take this beautiful vision up in the clouds and bring it down onto the road or ground where we can begin to do something about it, we’re going to have some resistance. “I’d rather stay up here.”
I was going to say people that tend to have learned this pattern will find themselves in careers that reward this so they’ll be the visionaries. There will be Xing Yi at the Yahoo! company being digital. “What do you mean by that Xing Yi?” “Just digital man. It’s a picture of a rocket ship.” “I need to know how that impacts this microchip in my phone.” Digital is not bad. There’s totally a way we can live our life from here. Bryan is in this conversation I assume because he wants to broaden his range as opposed to just get more focused in the range of purely staying in the visionary space. Have I said anything you disagree with, Bryan, so I can clean it up if needed?
Possibility and fear always exist in equal and offset countermeasure. Click To Tweet
Nope. I’m loving this.
Do you want to say digital just to see if it’s fun for you?
We’ve got a couple of things on the table. We’ve got the career, the coaching, or whatever you do to make money path. We’ve got the travel, health yoga, and health flexibility kind of thing. We’ve got the rock yoga and the partner. Which of those paths should we be exploring?
Probably the business because the business seems to be the foundation for everything. The business is a reflection of me. I’m noticing that.
Tell me more.
I’m noticing that as the business grows, it is insufficient for Bryan to be the same Bryan that Bryan was. If something new comes up, I get to explore a different part of myself, let stuff go, grow, and teach myself. As I become even more Bryan than I’ve ever been, then that gets reflected in the business and things start to work more effectively. People start to show up.
What I got you say is as you shift, then the business will shift. Am I missing anything in that? I don’t want to overly simplify what you said.
There’s a partnership that I’ll shift, the business shifts, and the business grows. Now, I’ve got to shift to keep up with that because my previous way I was being wasn’t enough to keep this new growth going.
Snake eating its own tail. One leads into the other, leads back into the one. The business I noticed has a bunch of different moving pieces. $20,000 a month is the money. There are ten one-on-one clients and 200 people in a program. We’ve got a whole bunch of stuff. That’s a coaching relationship worth of stuff to work on. Where would you like to put your attention to this conversation?
We’d focus our attention on the increase of one-on-one clients.
What would you want to leave this conversation with if we were speaking about one-on-one clients?
If we’re speaking about one-on-one clients, the results that I want to see after this conversation is unknowingness that nothing is going to prevent me from doing what I need to do to be able to create more one-on-one clients like courage and confidence.
The way I got your word was almost with double negative. It sounded like, “I want to know I can do it.”
There’s a feeling of a lack of confidence and lack of courage. I don’t expect to have the answers. Almost like a burning commitment to the ten clients is what I’m going for. “We are going to create that, Bryan, hell or high water. Here we go.” Every day is a burning desire to serve them. It feels like a mission. It’s non-negotiable that I don’t figure out how to be able to create these kinds of clients.
I noticed, as you were speaking about this, that it felt like some energy shifted for you or there was some emotion. Tell me about what showed up for you there.
Almost like an emotion that there’s me that’s holding me back. There is the fear of failing. I hear the accolades from the clients that I have. Sometimes, they sing and they’re excited. The other part of that is that excitement of working with these people every week that who I am and my genius and who they are is creating such an amazing relationship that it would bring me to tears. There’s an excitement of being and living in that every week.
I get that and that’s not the texture of the emotion I felt show up for you. That doesn’t have to mean anything. When you described it, I’m like, “That’s interesting.” I felt a little more sadness or something else and it feels like you might be a little in touch with it.
I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve been working hard at getting this going and I don’t see the needle moving forward. I don’t see the results. I’m lacking trust in the process and maybe lacking in believing in myself to be able to make this happen. I’m the farmer looking in his field going, “Come on.”
Would you be willing to take a breath and sit with that feeling? I’m going to give you a little more direction before you do it. As I speak, notice where you breathe this in your body. Is it in your throat? Is it in your chest? How far down is your breath? Keep some attention and awareness a little bit of that as I’m speaking. I noticed that one of the things I could rely on you for, Bryan, is to bring joy and possibility into any space, any team, any project. If I had a project where people were like, “This is hopeless,” you could be the person I would put on that team and there would be hope found. There would be hope in the faintest glimmer of light. You are the grass growing through the concrete.
I also noticed that the parts that sometimes feel a little hopeless, forlorn, or sad become a strategy and become something layered over the top. When I felt your sadness, I was also present when I asked that question like, “Here’s all the hopeful stuff that I can say about it.” There’s that emotion, and then there’s like, “My clients say this and I can see the possibility.” It’s like a race to prove to yourself almost the possibility that you are.
First of all, that’s excess. You don’t need to layer that on top. It’s like, “If I was to try to prove to myself that I was brilliant,” you’d be like, “That’s dumb, Adam.” That choice of words is perfect. “What are you trying to prove that you’re brilliant at? We all get it. Knock it off.” It’s in the way rather than of service. I’m going to invite you to take a few breaths and feel into that emotion that showed up for you. See if you can let it exist and see if you can find a place in your body for a few moments and practice that.
I’m allowing that emotion to be able to exist.
You’re doing beautiful work. Take another moment or two to be there with it. What do you present to?
Tears of being scared. My whole body temperature increased. My solar plexus is feeling like I’ve been hit, almost scared for my life kind of feeling. I don’t like it. It’s uncomfortable. I’m feeling like, “What do I’ve got to do to run? What do I’ve got to do to go? What do I’ve got to do to hide?”
That makes sense, especially for one who is possibility to be with, at times, the hopelessness of all of this. You and I have known each other for a while. This isn’t the first week you’ve been trying this. It’s been many years. What do you present to?
In this very breath, I see you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being a part of me. This is the thing that we’re going to release. It’s almost like I was there. It feels like somebody shut up the movie. The movie is not playing anymore. It’s there because I did show up without even thinking. “Open them this. Open them that.” It’s like, “What was that about? I didn’t ask you to impress me with who you are. I didn’t ask you to show me how great you are. Why did you do that? Why did you over-perform? Why did you over-entertain?” I’m good at entertaining because there were a couple of circumstances and traumatic situations that my brain still thinks could happen again.
The design of our brain. It happened then. It could happen again.
As I grow and as things begin to get amazing, this fills up, “Don’t get so cocky. That could still happen again. Remember what it felt like? Remember what it looked like?” It convinces me that it could happen again. It scares the crap out of me.
Bryan, I honor the work you’re doing. It’s resonating with other people too. You’re doing work for more than just yourself here. Don’t let that be the reason you’re doing the work. I want you to know that when we’re doing work like this, we’re doing it for more than just ourselves. Tell me about the connection between this feeling or emotion showing up for you here and creating clients.
Immediately, the first thing that comes to mind is as I create these clients, I’m visible, loud, and seen that the enemy is going to find me again. I’ve done well over the years by hiding to survive and I had to. The feeling is like, “I’m going to help many people. What happens if they’re going to see me? The enemy is going to see me. It’s going to come to get me again.” That’s the first thing that comes to mind.
What will that look like in real terms?
In real terms, creating ten clients, having a wonderful income, having a business, and it disappears the next day because of somebody else’s actions that I couldn’t control.
You’re afraid of failing. That’s the emotion. “I’m going to fail.” Is that right?
“If I create this, then it’s all going to be taken away from me anyhow.”
Disappointment exists between what could be and what is. Click To Tweet
It could all be taken away from me.
There’s this underlying feeling that’s there for you then there’s the stuff put over the top of it, how does that exist? How does that show up when it comes to you creating clients when you’re talking to people or doing the work to create clients?
How it shows up is maybe not even realizing it. “I’m not making an offer. I’m not suggesting we work together in this comfortable, chatty space.” I’ll overcommunicate, overtry to help and not listen fully to what they need. I won’t let good be good enough. “I want to work with you, Bryan. Why are you trying to convince me more that I need to work with you?” I won’t completely trust the process.
I noticed you had a lot of answers there and they were quick, which is often a sign of what we already know. It’s like, “Here’s the book of knowledge and the stuff I already know.” At the start of this, you said, “I want to know what I don’t know,” or “I want to get at that,” which I imagine is down the path of the emotion that’s there again. Assuming you plug into this, practice breathing, notice where your breath is, let yourself feel this, and then like, “How is this guy getting in the way? How can I see where this interacts with this vision, dream, or having one-on-one clients? How do these two connect?”
That deep despair part, how does that interact with getting the clients?
Yes. For this, you might have to be in it a bit. If you get into your head and start to think the answer to that question, that’s going to be different from feeling into the emotion and then letting yourself be with that.
I’m sitting with that and I’m breathing with that. I’m going back to that place because it has to be a conscious choice to open that up again. The word smackdown comes to mind. I’m going to be having the clients, being joyful, creating, and being the kid. This sad part says, “Go ahead. You’re going to be smacked down again aggressively, violently taken into submission.”
Does this happen when you’re talking to someone? You’re at a networking event or something and you’re talking and that’s there. Where are you seeing this?
Now that I’m aware of it, I’ll see it when I communicate with somebody and it’s flowing, joyful, great experience, and effortless. I do something to hop out of that, I’ll freeze, I will stop that momentum, or I’ll do something stupid. I’ll trip or my body will do something. It pops the bubble of what was being created. Now that I’m aware of it, I can see, “It’s effortless, fine, and joyful. This is good. This is wonderful stuff.” You said, “What, Bryan? I can’t believe you said that.”
Do you have any examples?
An example would be I’m in my zone of genius. We’re creating, and then I’ll stop creating and they’re like, “What do we do next? Where are we going?” They’ve got to wake me up. I will not listen. I’ll get in my head. Instead of listening, I’ll start telling them what I need to do. I’ll go goofy, silly, and funny to avoid that feeling.
The more present you are to possibility, the scarier it is, then the stakes are way up. Every mistake you make is proving the truth that you can have the possibility to present too. What are some of the strategies you’ve learned to mitigate this? You mentioned getting goofy. What else can you see you’ve learned to do?
One of the strategies is I’ll get out of my head into theirs. I’ll start asking them questions like, “What would that feel like? What possibilities would they bring up? That sounds amazing.” I will dive into their vision and their spirit to bring that out because that’s louder and brighter than what’s going on with my head. It pulls me back into that space.
Does that strategy work?
Now that I’m aware it comes from that, it works out well because I start listening deeper to what they want. Some cool stuff has happened because of that. I never understood how it happened, but it does where I’m like, “I’ve never thought about before. I’ve never talked about that before. I’ve never shared that before. I never thought that was possible before.” This strategy of focusing on them did some good.
Is there any way in which it doesn’t work?
Yes. When we’re engaging and it’s time for me to be in my zone of genius and for me to do what I do well, I’ll do that, and then it’s like, “Thanks, but I asked you that question. Why are you avoiding that?” I’m super embarrassed.
What’s the question that you’d be avoiding?
“What would you do? How would you do this? Can you be clearer? I don’t understand completely. That doesn’t seem quite right for me. Challenges or objections? Tell me more.” That one stops me. They’re like, “This is amazing. Tell me more.” I find myself that I’ll stop. “What just happened?”
It was a great strategy when what is next at the moment is for them to be more in the space, but when there’s you more in the space and you’re terrified, you’re going to screw it up. It keeps getting put over there, which is weird. We were throwing a ball back and forward and I keep ending up with the ball in my hands or something along those lines.
Any other strategies you can see?
Tell me more.
Sometimes, without even noticing it, I’m late on the deliverable, not quite get it right, and not take the time to go over the details. I’ll miss something that I know I got. I’ll miss something to mess it up so that they’ll be disappointed and I’ve proven myself right. I’ve got a backpedal, entertain, and build up all these strategies instead of like, “That happened. I didn’t nail that. Let’s go on from that.”
Being in control of the failure. “At least I sunk the ship. It wasn’t a meteor or something. I was fully in control so maybe I could do something in that sort of idea.” What are you taking from this conversation, Bryan?
I’m taking from the conversation the gratitude of exploring this. It seems something that there was an I don’t know that I didn’t know. There’s been something constantly going on that I’m not even aware of it. It almost feels like the minute I see it, it’s like, “No. You didn’t see that. Look over there.” “Wasn’t that?” “No. That wasn’t that. Look over there.” It’s been preventing the growth that I could be having.
You describing that sounds like meta. It was almost like your awareness about the awareness you’re creating like, “I’m seeing something and I noticed I’m in resistance to seeing that thing.” I’m asking, what are you seeing? There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s great information, too, but I also notice if we hang out in the meta about, “This is the experience I’m having of seeing something,” that’s another way to not call a spade a spade. What’s the awareness you’re creating in this conversation?
The awareness that I’m creating for myself, the best way for me to say it is that there is a darkness and deep fear that’s creeping up, sprouting up, and surprising places. I’ve trimmed it, cut it back, and chopped it, but that darkness is still there and still rooted in coming back in several different ways.
What do you see there might be to practice from that awareness?
Doing some weeding. Finding support, guidance, and a way to go in. Let’s go for that root and remove that root so that it doesn’t sprout up. I know that it will take being supported because if I’ve been able to cut out the weed, I would have been able to do it already, but it was a root of darkness that I wasn’t aware of. I wasn’t consciously willing to admit or even be aware of in order for me to serve those people and to be in that place, these roots got to go. Somehow, someway, that’s the commitment that I’m getting from this, so I see you now.
What I got there is like, “I’ve got to remove this. This should not be there.”
That was the feeling.
How is that different from what you’ve been trying to do up until this point?
Mitigate it. “It sprouts here. Let’s try to rip that out.” Before, I try to mitigate thinking I was taking care of it. Different routines, learning some stuff, growing a little bit, thinking that that would have taken care of it. I thought I was addressing the railroad problem, but I wasn’t.
It sounds like if the previous practice was like, “Remove this,” but you’re like, “I was trying to remove it by cutting the branches off.” The new practice removes it by uprooting it. It sounds like it’s the same practice but at a deeper scale.
Let’s stop spending so much time and energy trying to cut off the branches. Let’s get rid of this root that’s continually affecting you. When you do, you get in with the dirt, change the dirt, and make sure that there are no remnants of the root, and planting something better that’s going to grow up in its place.
Failure is the twin sibling of possibility. Click To Tweet
What if this is a fundamental aspect of possibility? I’m not saying it is. I’m just curious. Let’s say that this darkness that you’ve described is fundamentally a part of what shows up with possibility. What would that practice of trying to rip this out by the root achieve?
It’s a fundamental part of the possibility.
Which is what you are. Who you are is a possibility. I get you saying there’s this darkness that must be excised or removed. I’m asking the question, what if this darkness is a possibility? What if they are inextricable from one another? What if it’s the yin and the yang? What would trying to remove this from the root achieve?
It would kill the possibility. Can I love it? Can I appreciate it? Can I allow it to be a part of me as much as the light is? That is scary initially. You’re not getting rid of this. It’s a part. It’s coming up stronger because you’re moving more into possibility. It almost feels like I’m ashamed of it. I don’t want anybody else to see it. That’s fascinating. There, I can’t get rid of it but I don’t want anybody to see it.
It’s one way of getting rid of that. “Hide it, kill it, cut the branches. That strategy didn’t work. Let’s go nuclear. Get it up by the roots. That didn’t work. What else can I do?” I’m just offering that as a possibility that this goes hand-in-hand.
The feeling I immediately get is I love that because I’m exploring in telling and sharing my story. Not just entertaining, but sharing my story, which means that they’re going to see that darkness, that ugly side along with the bright side. They’re going to look at me as to what’s my reaction. I heard that. I’m there looking at me. How are you reacting to it? What are you doing that that darkness is there?
Look at Bryan. He’s managed to rip out this hopelessness. If only I could be like that.
It killed his possibility.
Possibility and fear always exist, and equal and offset countermeasure. It’s like blowing up a balloon. That’s my assertion. I’m curious about your experience as you have ripped the branches out and you’ve hidden this more, is that suggestion consistent for you? The more you have tried to kill this, the fewer possibilities seem to be available.
I love this because what I’m more perceiving as this darkness coming up is, “I’ve got to cut this branch off.” “Here’s this new possibility.” “What?” “New great possibility and along with it comes some of the darkness.” “Where did that come from? Now I’ve got to cut back the darkness again.” I was giggling with the realization that they’re both parts of the same and how life is, “No, Bryan. We have something greater in mind for you, so here comes this other possibility that’s been provided. It doesn’t depend on you and it doesn’t need you. Here it comes because you were called to something greater.”
I’m not loving and wanted to see that darkness that comes right along with it, then life is facepalming again. I feel comfort now in the invitation to get to know it and get to see it. Let it come out to play. It’s stinky and smelly. It’s not the prettiest thing. To be raw and real however this face was brought up and I was born with it, there’s a mark above my eyebrow that I’m embarrassed about and I constantly will move to avoid that, but it’s a part of me. That’s an external thing of like, “The more possibility that’s coming up, the stronger this darkness is going to be.” The practice of how do I love it? How do I be with it? How do I allow it? How do I let it come out? How do I share it? It doesn’t seem so bad.
How will you practice that? What specifically will you put into action if you were to take some practices on?
The first thing that comes to mind is visiting it and not taking the time to immediately stop the pruning practice. Sit with it, visit it, spend time with it, and thank it for the possibility. I feel like it’s so weird and strange as I’m saying it. There’s this new possibility. Thank you, light. That’s the first thing I want to acknowledge, but darkness, I’m not forgetting you. Thank you.
I’m going to have us get clear since specifics were something that we avoided. Specifically, what will that look like?
I’m thinking about the practices that I have and I do. Specifically making the time for a longer meditation.
Consistently 40 minutes.
How many times a week?
Daily. Meditation is the practice that gets done every day. That’s non-negotiable. Making way for 40 minutes for allowing it to show up. I’m looking at the gratitude of what the light has brought and the darkness has brought. It’s going to be an interesting exploration. The client was super happy now. They loved what I’m doing and how I’m showing up. Where was the light in me that showed up? Where was the darkness that showed up to make that possible? That’s an interesting, uncomfortable question that I’m willing to have the courage to ask. I can do that.
I have a caveat to add to it. It’s a great practice. The caveat is layering positivity on top of the darkness, if you call it that, is part of your safety, right?
You get to decide.
I did. I’ll own that I went. Positivity and darkness.
It’s a bit of an off-ramp for that safety. I love the idea of it doesn’t matter what I love. I acknowledge the idea, the brilliance, and like, “What if I sat with this and gave this some space?” The invitation would be to take away needing to relate to it in any way. If you’re sitting with it and you’ve been like, “Screw you,” that’s different. That’s closer to it than if you’re sitting with it, layering something over top of it, and not looking at it. That’s the first step. From there, you might be like, “I don’t want to be a screw you to this anymore. I’m going to be like, ‘Why are you here?’” I can sit with you for a little longer. Over time, you can start to love it and be with it. The invitation is to practice being with it more as opposed to glossing over it.
Immediately comes to mind is I’ve got the two wolves that are part of my possibility. This one is clean, awesome smelling, and smells like lavender and thieves. He’s coming up like, “Great.” This other one comes up like, “Walrus breath. You are shaggy. You’re going to kiss me. Crap.” You’re like, “Alright.” The first few times, you’re like, “I need to take a shower,” but eventually, you’re like, “Bring this in and bring that in. I’m treating both of them equally with love and appreciation.” That’s going to be a practice.
I have one more practice. I don’t know if I want to give it. Bear with me. I’m just checking to see if it’s for me or for you. It’s for me and I don’t think you need it. You’ve got some great practices and I want to honor what you’ve created.
I love that right there because immediately, I’m like, “Share that with me. There’s something that I’m missing.”
Those that are most present to the possibility that can see what’s available and what could be, that is also setting you up the most for disappointment because disappointment exists between what could be and what is. What tends to happen is people that are a possibility, one part of their shadow is to become cynical because they’re constantly presented to this gut. They’re like, “What the hell? You say you’re going to do this, but it’s not going to happen because I’ve been through this rodeo enough times and I know that won’t happen.” The irony of possibility is that people who are possibility and hope can become the most cynical people.
The other side is they can become this performer, a clown like, “It’s all magical.” They’re sprinkling pixie dust on everything. You’re like, “You know that’s mostly dog turds you’re putting that dust on.” It’s a beautiful gift for you to start to own this and to let it exist because that provides a clearing for other people to be like, “Bryan doesn’t seem to run away from this part of himself that always seems to be there for me. He seems to have created a beautiful garden from it. That’s different than what I’ve been trying to do, which is rip it out. I wonder if this man has something for me.”
It’s exciting. I committed the right time as I’m learning and exercising, telling my story, sharing it, and showing it. I’m watching Lisa Nichols and she said, “Don’t just tell me your story. Show me your story.” Probably before this, I didn’t even know I was resisting because I’ve got to show that icky, walrus breath, wolf thing.
The problem isn’t that most people don’t know how to tell their stories. I’m not coaching anymore. I’m speaking what I believe to be true. They can learn how to do that and do it with great words. We hide it from ourselves. We’re telling the best story we can, but we can’t see beyond the veneer we put over it. It’s like, “I don’t want to share this. This feels awful.” That’s the story. All of our clients are like, “I don’t want to share this. This is awful.” They have the same experience. We need someone to model this for us and it’s scary.
That world of what you don't know is infinite. Click To Tweet
I’m excited because I see this not only taking into my practices but taking in my work with clients as we create possibilities. Magic doesn’t happen.
It’s a beautiful work, Bryan.
Thank you. Thank you for letting me be here, being that work, facilitating, and not letting me get away with. It’s entertaining.
I want to finish by acknowledging you but before I do, is there anything else to have the conversation for you to feel complete?
I have inside of me the hell yes now that I wanted.
Bryan, I acknowledge you for the magic and possibility you are for the planet. It’s in your eyes. There’s a feeling like, “Put this guy on a project and we’re going to be creating results. We’re going to be aiming towards something beyond the glistered walls of what we know is already available. It’s such a gift. Doing so requires tremendous courage because if we go for something that is outside of what is currently predictable and reliable, in all likelihood, we won’t hit it the first time. If we did, great, but then the next time, we probably won’t. It’s inevitable as we push beyond the realm of what we currently know to be possible, failure waits for us. Failure is the sibling or maybe the twin to possibility.
I acknowledge you for the light that shines out of your eyes, the beauty, and the possibility that you represent. I also recognize and acknowledge you for the darkness that we’ve been talking about because that’s as much a part of it as all of this. As you become willing to allow it to bring love to that part of yourself, it gives people permission not just to aim big but to feel crappy when it doesn’t go the way they want it to. To get nurtured, healed, supported, and to deepen from that place instead of trying to convince themselves that they don’t feel the way they do. Structure their lives so they never have to feel the way that they’re afraid that they might feel. It’s a beautiful gift and it’s a courageous path to walk. To let people see and be with this aspect of yourself is the work of leadership. Beautiful work.
Thank you. Amazing, beautiful, and sacred.
Let’s do a little bit of a debrief. Anything that showed up for you or that you’re present to where you’re like, “I didn’t expect us to go there?” Anything you want to share?
What I didn’t expect was to be able to clearly see the thing I didn’t know that I didn’t know and to watch myself bring it out. I’ve always been relying on other people to do it for me and I did it for myself. What I didn’t expect was such passionate adoration for my darkness coming out of this. Immediately, I’m looking back on my life. Not just at these things that caused the darkness that created some of it, but how can I passionately fall in love with that, visit it, talk to it, and stop trying to avoid it, hide it, and keep it. I know that’s going to come out of my storytelling. I didn’t expect that. I didn’t expect some of the amazing people that were on here witnessing this and allowing me to be completely transparent. Kimono is totally open. That’s the only way that I’m going to grow and that may be the thing somebody else needs to know, so I’m honored.
Thanks for sharing all of that. When you shared, “What I don’t know I don’t know, I want to know,” we all start from places like that, but it’s like, “Is it the ballistics of a missile shot over the Pacific Ocean that you want it?” That world of what we don’t know is infinite. I wonder where specifically we’re going to end up. I initially was thinking this conversation will probably be, to some extent, about your resistance to taking the big vision and getting specific about it but I didn’t know what that resistance was about. As we started to explore that, what caught me off guard was like, “There’s an emotion showing up.” Not that emotion would show up at all.
That’s usually going to show up, but I didn’t know where that was going to come from. I was like, “There’s emotion here.” As we explored into that, that’s where it started to come to the surface like, “This isn’t about ten one-on-one people. It could be whatever the big result is. This thing right here at the bottom is going to be there. As long as Bryan doesn’t have a relationship where you can empower this, you have no choice but to sabotage it. It has to keep going that way.” Leo said, “There’s a point you might want to go back to.” I’d asked you, “Is your experience consistent that when you try to pull this out, that possibility diminishes and you let out an uproarious laugh?” Giggle is what you called it.
At that moment, Leo said, “That laugh from you, Bryan, was beautiful and it sounds like the possibility of making music.” You might go back and notice it. Part of what I was present to that created that was your willingness to sit with this thing and to let it be rather than how we get out of it. From there, that got created. It’s interesting. Neva says, “Your birthmark is your gift and it makes you unique.” I didn’t know you had a birthmark. That’s hilarious. You said something about your face and I was like, “I can’t see anything,” and Neva mentioned it, I’m like, “He’s got a birthmark.” It’s funny how we’re perceived by others. Neva also says, “Thanks for the reminder about showing the story and that into the space.”
Andrew also said, “It’s such an amazing distinction to see the excitement for the coaching relationship, but the sadness in the sense of the needle doesn’t feel like it’s moving.” He can feel both of those himself. There’s a possibility but it’s not going in. How do we hold the tension for both of those? There’s a paradox. You might say it, but it might be sad. How do I allow it all to exist? Anytime we have a paradox like that. That’s usually the sign where there’s a breakthrough available. The breakthroughs are where we transcend. Whereas both of these were in opposition to each other, they both become available. There’s another breakthrough after that, and then so on and so forth.
It gets better.
Bryan, where do people find you if they want to know more about you?
BryanTarr.com or find me on Facebook. Messenger works well. Let’s start a conversation. I love deepening relationships with people and finding out who they are and who I am. I’m definitely open to a wonderful conversation with some of these amazing people.
Are you going to be sharing some of your journeys as you explore this darkness and as you look into this?
If you go over to my business page, you will be seeing a lot of this new honesty and how I share about the business. If you go over to my personal page, you’re going to see my stories shift. You’ll see some of the older stories I had and you’re going to see some of my new stories started to get real and raw. It’s an interesting dichotomy that’s going to be presented. You’ll see, “Here’s Bryan. He is sharing that darkness.” It’s going to be beautiful to see because I’m now opening to sharing that experience.
If you’re resonating with Bryan’s story of this possibility versus, then that would be a good place to go and follow along.
The journey is about to happen.
I’m going to plug the Client Creation Course. Now is the time to register. If people are like, “I want to know more about this notion of crafting a story or even discovering myself,” so much of the work we’re doing is in untraining all of the way that the world trains us to sell which sucks. We don’t like doing that. Instead, to go deeper into ourselves, discover the light, the beauty that we are, and then build up from that foundation and learn how to connect with human beings to build a relationship with them. What you’ll find is that you’ll discover a delight and a joy in doing that. The thing you used to hate, selling, fades away.
It stops even being a thing you think about doing and it becomes like, “That’s just part of the art I’m expressing in the world. I’ll be in the world and I’ll express my art.” There’s stuff for you to learn, but creating clients becomes another part of who you be in the world. That’s $1,000. You can go to AdamQuiney.com/ClientCreation and read about it. It’s amazing. There are people in the comments that have been talking about it. If you want to learn more, read the comments, talk to them, and check out that page. Andrew is generous. He says, “It’s been the best investment I’ve made in my coaching business so far and I’ve invested way more. I highly recommend it.” Thanks for that, Andrew.
The other thing I want to say about that is I’ve been approached by a few people that are like, “Can you do this with my team?” We’re doing a few of these courses for corporate teams that are selling or not even selling but want to bring people along with them towards their vision. They want to enroll people in something. If any of that is something that might be of interest to you, check it out and reach out to me for a conversation. Thanks, everyone. Thanks, Bryan, for being here. Thanks for your tremendous intimacy. There’s a great deal of intimacy you bring into the space.
You’re welcome. We’ll see you soon. Bye, everyone.
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About Bryan Tarr
Maybe you might find the little boy Bryan walking around with his favorite a rock in hand for comfort. I was always very loving and kind, cared for others, wanted to see them happy, thinking of others before I thought of my own needs.
As a young man, not being able to afford school, I created a well paying job, a home, a wife and felt I was in love with everything. Everything everyone told me would give me a great life.
I made many friends, was fun to be with, a good entertainer. Learned an adventure for life and became a very good supporter, a good friend, husband and a good son.
I committed my myself to make a marriage work for 16 years, spent decades creating a career in information technology including a great position at a fortune 500 company. Even tried my hand at running my own business.