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Providing Feedback Artfully
BANKRUPT LEADERSHIP STRATEGIES: SUPPRESSING vs. WALLOWING
Distinguishing “Practising” and “Life as Normal”
LEADING AND WORKING WITH PEOPLE OF GENEROSITY
LEADERSHIP ISN’T REFLEXIVE
The Three Stages of Leadership
How you do one thing is not how you do everything
The Language of Leadership
MASSAGING AUTHENTICITY
YOU ARE YOUR CULTURE

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Providing Feedback Artfully ---- Providing feedb

Providing Feedback Artfully

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Providing feedback is uncomfortable. People, including yourself, already have a relationship to giving and receiving feedback, be it positive or negative, and that relationship will dictate the experience you (and your recipient) have throughout the process.

Because providing feedback is generally required in any position of leadership, and because our relationship to feedback remains largely invisible to us, we can’t see any of this. Instead, like many people when it comes to their own leadership, we have a vested interest in our belief that we’re pretty good at it — and maybe just need to touch up a few areas.

Instead of coming to this article holding sacred the belief that you’re “pretty good at this”, do your best to bring a beginner’s mind. What if you know nothing about providing feedback, and there was the opportunity here to completely transform how this aspect of leadership goes for you?

The most effective way to provide feedback begins first by distinguishing what you yourself have in the way of doing so. You can do so through the following exercise:

> > > CONTINUE READING AT LINK IN BIO: @adam_quiney

BANKRUPT LEADERSHIP STRATEGIES: SUPPRESSING vs. WA

BANKRUPT LEADERSHIP STRATEGIES: SUPPRESSING vs. WALLOWING

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There are two main approaches to avoiding being with in your life.

On the surface, each of these approaches could not occur more different from one another. Those operating from the suppression side will judge the wallowers and "reactives" as foolish, dramatic, and out of control. Those operating from the side of wallowing and reacting will judge the suppressors as cold, out of touch, and aloof.

In fact, both of these approaches to avoiding being with are two different sides of the same coin. We'll use the inability to be with anger as an example to illustrate each of these two sides.

On the suppression side, we have Reggie. Reggie has stories that "Anger just isn't productive. And it's harmful. I choose not to be angry." When someone around Reggie gets angry, Reggie energetically closes to them. He might attempt to placate them, but on another level, he retreats up into the safety of his head and rational analysis. He might flatly respond to this person, explaining why their anger doesn't make sense, and attempting to use logic to allow the person in front of them to escape their anger the same way Reggie does.

When Reggie himself gets angry, he heads it off at the pass. Rather than feel his own anger, he thinks about it. He analyzes and rationalizes his anger, effectively disconnecting from his feelings, and once again, retreating into his own head. The experience people have around Reggie when he is angry is a little like being around a cold, ruthless sociopath. They can tell, on some level, that he's upset, but he remains flat, cool and collected.

On the wallowing and reacting side, we have Betty. Betty also has stories that "Anger is harmful. It's wrong. We shouldn't be angry to people, we should be nice to them." (To be clear, you can have a million different stories and beliefs that would lead to developing an atrophied ability to be with something). When someone around Betty gets angry, she takes it personally. Someone else's anger is not simply someone being angry. It is a meaningful expression about who Betty is as a human being.

CONTINUE READING AT LINK IN BIO: @adam_quiney

When They Quit — Part 5 ----- Regis was ne

When They Quit — Part 5

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Regis was nervous, and Jonathan was too. They were in the final steps of Regis getting himself back to a YES. Jonathan was listening to some jazz music while he sat in the tension with Regis, holding the space for him to see his pattern as it unfolded.

“So, we’ve gotten clear that taking a break from coaching is actually more of the same pattern as before. It’s basically taking the mirror away from yourself, and then at least you don’t have to see the whole pattern and the way things are going so starkly. Am I on the same page with you?”

Regis nodded. “Yes, absolutely.”

“Okay, great. So, we can move to what is next, but I want to check in with you first and see if there’s still a conversation for us to have about quitting coaching. If so, then we probably need to stay there. Otherwise, we can leave the mirror in place, so to speak, and shift our conversation to take a look at how we create the results you want. So, which is it?”

Regis sat thoughtfully.

“Well, first of all, I don’t know how we got here — like, I’m not so sure I could retrace my steps — but I feel really clear that quitting coaching would make me feel a whole lot better but isn’t actually going to create any different kind of result. It’ll just let me keep running the same pattern, which includes a period of feeling relief. So, I’m in. Let’s take that off the table, and look at how to move past what seems to not be working.”

> > > CONTINUE READING AT LINK IN BIO: @adam_quiney

When They Quit — Part 4 Regis had just finished

When They Quit — Part 4

Regis had just finished distinguishing that the choice he had brought to Jonathan — that it was time to take a break from coaching — was the same pattern he was running everywhere else in his life. Regis was clear he wanted things to go differently than they always did, but he was a little stumped by Jonathan’s question: “What do you think you might do, to have things go differently?”

Regis thought for a while. For the most part, his head felt fairly blank.

Jonathan sat back in his chair and took a deep breath. He knew that there were suggestions he could make to Regis, but that would take away from his own process. The less Jonathan provided, and the more Regis muddled through this himself, the more powerful the experience would be.

“Well, I guess I could still take the break, but then set a time-boundary or something on it. Like, I’ll take a break, but just for two weeks, and I won’t go back to self-loathing afterwards,” Regis offered.

Jonathan nodded. “Sure, kind of like taking the next step in the pattern, but not the step after that. Is that about right?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Okay, well that’s definitely an approach, and that might be a little different. Here’s what I notice about that — it removes the support you have to keep looking at this pattern, while simultaneously hoping you’ll be able to do something different about the pattern.”

Regis thought about this and then responded. “Yah, okay, I can see that.”

“Let me provide you a metaphor Regis, and see if it resonates.”

Jonathan paused to check in with Regis. Regis gestured for Jonathan to continue.

“Let’s imagine you have decided you want to dress really well. But currently, you have been getting a lot of feedback that the way you dress is terrible. I know this is a ridiculous metaphor already, but hang in here with me.”

> > > CONTINUE READING AT @Adam_Quiney

When They Quit - Part 3 ----- Jonathan was worki

When They Quit - Part 3

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Jonathan was working with Regis, slowly, around the quitting conversation he’d brought forth. Jonathan wanted to make sure that Regis wasn’t given anything to fight against, because then Regis would be in a battle with Jonathan, rather than against himself and his patterns. Rather than keep this hidden, Jonathan just put it on the table.

“So Regis, I want to make sure I keep my hand visible to you this whole time. I’m not trying to trick or fool you at any point. I’m here to support you, and so I want to make sure I’m not giving you anything to fight against. Coaching should never be about the coach trying to convince the client — it’s about supporting you to overcome whatever it is that is currently stopping you. Clear?”

Regis nodded. “Yup, perfectly clear. I’ll let you know if I think you’re trying to convince me of something.”

“Great. So, we’ve gotten clear that there’s a way it goes for you. You say you’re committed, start taking some actions, it works for a while, and then slowly, but surely, you find yourself not doing what you said you were going to do. You’ve shared that there are places where you’ve seen this same pattern show up before. Like losing weight, going to the gym, and how you try to build your business. So let’s just look at the cycle that tends to play out. What happens there?”

Regis sat and thought to himself quietly before speaking.

“Okay, well, at first, I slowly start to do less and less. I’m not really showing up, but I kind of half-heartedly put effort and energy into it. Then, when that isn’t working, I berate myself for what I’m not doing. I get annoyed and kind of judgey about the fact that I’m not doing what I say I’ll do. And then over time, I just avoid it altogether.”

“What happens after you’ve avoided things altogether?”

> > > CONTINUE READING AT LINK IN BIO: @adam_quiney

WHEN THEY QUIT — Part 2 ---- Jonathan had just

WHEN THEY QUIT — Part 2

----

Jonathan had just finished re-iterating what Regis had shared, as far as how things had been going in the coaching, what he noticed wasn’t working, and why he felt it was time to take a break.

“Okay Regis, so I think I’m clear on your experience with coaching. Basically, it’s like, you thought you were going to start working with me, and you’d be taking on this awesome stuff and your life would change, and instead, it sounds like it’s kind of going the way it usually does.”

Regis interrupted. “What do you mean, the way it usually does?”

“Oh thanks for saying that Regis, I have a hunch that I’m not labelling as such. My hunch is that this isn’t the only place in your life where you’ve committed to something, and then found that things get in the way. I’m guessing that this isn’t the only time you’ve made a commitment, been earnest about keeping it, and then found that, as time went on, you took less and less steps toward doing so. Is my hunch correct?”

Regis thought.

“Yes, okay, I can see what you’re saying. I can think of a few places. Like, definitely with weight loss or going to the gym and things like that.”

“Great, where else? Let’s look at the projects we’re working on — we started working together because you wanted to build this business you’ve been talking about for years. Have you ever taken a swing at that before, and if so, how has it gone?”

> > > CONTINUE READING AT LINK IN BIO: @adam_quiney

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