SURRENDER TO YOUR BLINDSPOT

Have you ever been around someone who insists they’re not grumpy—while clearly being very grumpy? They accuse you of being the grouchy one. They bristle at your tone, your energy, your face. You try to adjust, to help things land differently, to soothe or lighten the mood, but nothing seems to work. If you try to name what’s going on, they get even more upset. And so, eventually, you just walk on eggshells.

It’s a no-win scenario: they’re upset, but they can’t, or won’t, own it. You’re left doing a dance around their unacknowledged state.

This is what it’s like to be with someone who’s projecting. And it’s also a perfect metaphor for ontological work.

When we work with someone ontologically, what we’re doing is helping them see what they are unable to see themselves. We’re pointing to the blind spots, the behaviors and ways of being that are shaping everything, but which they’re not yet able to take responsibility for.

In the grumpy example, what’s really going on is that the person doesn’t want to be grumpy.

Maybe they’ve got a story that grumpiness is unattractive, or that it means they’re a bad person, or that they’ll be rejected if they own it. They probably also judge other people for being grumpy.

So instead, they tell themselves that they’re fine. You’re the one with the attitude.

From the outside, we can often see the projection clear as day. But from the inside, it’s invisible.

The impulse most people have when they hear this example is to think, Oh my god, I know exactly who this is. This is about my partner. Or my boss. Or my Aunt Jan. Or Reggie.

But the truth is, you’re that person. We all are.

You do this just as much as they do. You just don’t see it. (Just like they don’t see it).

The trap here is that you might read this, and then go get busy figuring out how you can see your own grumpiness.

That’s part of what keeps you stuck.

Your prison is, in part, made up of the belief that you can see your own blindspot, if you just figure out the right tools, or tricks, or whatever.

How often do we hear news about industry leaders getting into trouble, or allowing malfeasance to take place in their organization, and so on?

It’s constant. And the irony is that news like this has people double-down on their efforts to see the thing they’re judging these leaders for.

You can’t see it. You are blind to your own blindspots, and you will remain so, despite your best efforts to achieve otherwise.

Your leadership grows when you come to an acceptance of this inevitable truth.

Stop trying to see your blindspots. Stop trying to get out in front of this.

Instead, transformation can begin to take place when we show up with the humility and grace necessary to allow ourselves to admit we won’t be able to do this on our own.

We need support from others that are deep in their work. We need coaches and other leaders that are able to point to our blindspots, be with our resistance, and love us as we struggle to come to terms with what is being revealed.

These coaches and leaders are not special. They are no more able to see their own blindspots than we are. They must be in the exact same commitment in their own lives, as the one I am inviting you to engage with here.

When people ask me how they should screen for a coach, the first question I invite them to bring to the table is, “Do you work with your own coach, in a paid relationship?”

Is the coach making the same commitment to transformation that they are asking you to?

Grant yourself freedom from trying to get out in front of your blindspots. Instead, surrender to them, and embrace the kind of support that allows you to transmute them into transformation.

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P.S. Our doors are open for the Forge, starting in September. Our program trains you to coach, lead and live from a transformed place, evoking transformation in those you support, work with, lead and spend your life with. You will not leave the way you came in, and we include attendance at our intensives and a free retreat to Costa Rica as part of the work. Learn more and come join us: http://evergrowthcoaching.com/the-forge